Crocodile Tears

 Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River. After a few hours just lying about, the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids – I just don’t get it.’

‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘What have you been eating?’ ‘Well, mostly politicians that come here with their mistresses, same as you!’ replied the small Croc. ‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’ ‘On the other side of the river near the car park.’

‘Same here. Hmm… Tell me your method. How do you catch them?’ asked the big Croc. ‘Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the c*ap out of them and eat ’em!’

‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the c*ap out of a Politician, there’s nothing much left but an a**hole with a briefcase.’

Fly the friendly skies

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?’

‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ‘

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘I have never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘Are you taking anything for it?’

The woman nodded. ‘Pepper.’

Wrecked

 I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it – he was a dwarf!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

I ain’t gonna make it

 I mentioned the other day my lowly blog output. We might as well collectively brace ourselves for a record low number of posts this year. You will be OK.

Taking off much of January and February contributed mightily. In review, I probably should have just retired my electronic pen. It is clear I am like that aging ball player that has tried to stick around long past his prime. Acknowledging in my case that my prime was in lowA ball or the Independent Leagues. Perhaps semi-pro even. Anyway, you get the point.

The “good” news for you is I do not have to hit the road until a little later this morning, so I have time to pen this nonsense. 

Can anyone explain how Kyle Rittenhouse is a white supremecist  racist when he shot white people? 

Wasn’t Biden going to bring civility back to the White House? Why in the world is he attacking Sarah Palin, who hasn’t mattered in politics for a decade? Plus, he screwed up the joke. 

Did you miss me? I just stepped away to plop some Doughboy cinnamon rolls in the oven.

Time to shower. Then eat a tasty hot roll from a tube.

 Boy, this was worth reading. Eh wot?

What it looked like yesterday morning

 

Snow. 

LA Woman Sunday Afternoon

There is a thin dusting of snow across the patio furniture, like a bit of powdered sugar sifted on a scone. The ground and sidewalks are just wet. It’s cold. I can feel the cold air seeping in through the windows as I sit here on the wife’s end of the couch. New windows at sorely needed but not in the cards any time in the near future. But the coffee is hot and the conversation satisfactory. I like the answers I get when I talk to myself. 

I’m not sure what is on tap today. Ok, that is not true. I am going to watch some football. Before and after? Perhaps I will help do a little cleaning. The place could always use a little Lemon Pledge and a thorough vacuuming. I am more than capable of slinging a dust rag and wrangling a sweeper. 

LA Woman was the last album released by The Doors collectively. Singer Jim Morrison died just after its release in April of 1971. Contrary to the Oliver Stone movie, bandmates and engineers on the album say Morrison was mostly sober and hard working on this, the band’s sixth studio album. Along with Love Her Madly, Riders on the Storm hit chart success. Based on the old country hit Ghost Riders in the Sky, the tune evokes disturbing imagery  of a mass-murdering hitchhiker.

While I have always dug that tune, I think it is the title track and longest song on the album that deserves more attention. A love song to Los Angeles, the song has a solid blues beat and according to guitarist Robby Kreiger, is the quintessential Doors song. Have a listen:

The Doors are one of those bands people either love or hate. My wife cannot stand their music. Me, I really enjoy it. I don’t know where you stand. 

Have a great Sunday.

It is coming

I had a customer visit yesterday afternoon. I know, a Friday afternoon. I got home late, traffic was awful. The wife had something to return to the mall. An hour later we sat down to a quick burger. 

After we came home, I finally plopped on the couch. I flipped through the channels and found a movie. I’d seen it before, but so what? I dozed off with ten minutes to go. The wife woke me and I ambled out to the kitchen to swallow a handful of prescribed meds. 

As I paused to look outside at the foot of the stairs I noticed it was snowing. Hard. I knew it wouldn’t stick, but it brought joy to my face. Somehow the first snow always evokes memories of my youth. 

More importantly, that snow pushed me into the Christmas spirit. I will likely drag out the decorations next weekend. Lights on the house, trees in the corners, snowmen throughout the home, and the place will be festive and bright. I won’t turn the lights on until Thanksgiving. I have standards. 

That also means I’m going to start dropping Christmas music. I just know you cannot wait. 

Have a great Saturday, blogging buddies.

Slacker

I just realized what a lazy blogger I’ve become. Unless I get busy, I won’t even crack 300 posts this year. My lowest output ever was 302  back in’19. I’m a long way off from the 450-500 posts in the early days. I still have 17 readers, despite my output, be it high or low. 

Thanks for that! In most cases it is the same 17 readers from the early days that read out of habit rather than interest. 

I know this because I have not written anything interesting for a long time. My writer’s block is a six ton slab of granite. 

But look! A post: make it 72 posts to go by year end.

Remember

 

At eleven minutes after the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month, 1918, the horrors of The Great War came to an end. 

Spend a moment thinking of those who fought for your freedoms. 

I’m a traveler of both time and space

 

The moon was hiding behind the branches as I stepped out to the patio to grill up a couple of ribeyes. The day’s warmth was just lingering as I lit the burners. 

We zipped down to the boy’s new house yesterday to help move a few last items too big for him to carry by himself. The house is small, but renovated in the past several years. His roommate seems nice. She has the place fixed up neatly. 

The place is in the general Fountain Square area, and the neighborhood is poor, but the houses are taken care of; no junk cars in front yards, or boarded up windows. 

We picked up a couple of things for the Granddaughters’ Christmas, came home and I fried up some breaded tenderloins. I made a pan of homemade mac and cheese and sliced up a few of the last tomatoes I picked from the garden before last week’s frost. A right feast by anyone’s standards. That is if you like comfort food. 

I’m in the office the first half of the week. Day trips at the end. 

There. You are caught up on the minutiae of my life. Riveting stuff, I wager. 

221 days until real baseball starts.

Sunday Sundae

I’m not going to launch into my semi-annual diatribe on the idiocy of changing the clocks. I know not a single person who likes the ritual, yet we let our overlords insist on Daylight Savings time or not without reason. 

I got the yard mowed yesterday, likely for the last time this year. A bunch of leaves got chopped with the grass. That is a few hundred thousand I won’t have to rake over the next few weeks. I still need to clean out and store my fountain. That means hooking the hose back up. I also need to store away the cushions from the patio chairs. Winter is coming, my friends. The weather person hinted at some snow flurries by week’s end. 

Guess what? Joe Brandon has backtracked and now allows we ARE going to pass out cash to illegals. Break the law, get some bucks. What a country we live in. And just where will Joe get that money? Straight from your paycheck. And since we already spend more than we take n, that means printing IOUs. More inflation! Wee, I loves me some leftist economics. I would like to operate like the government. Too bad the mortgage company and grocery store won’t play along. To paraphrase, “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger steak today” . My bank won’t let me print money. They seem to think I should actually have some deposited before I spend it. Strange, that.

Now I’ve painted myself into a blogging corner. That’s the problem when you compose posts like I do  — without forethought or plan. I just sit down a write. I don’t want to end on a message of political disgust, a low note.  I prefer to leave you with something positive on this fine fall morning. 

My granddaughter told me a good joke last evening. Where do surfers get educated? At boarding school! 

Have a great Sunday.

I myself have seen my wilder days

 I’m glad it is Saturday. It has been a long week. It looks like we will finally have a dry weekend and I can get some fall chores done. I need to mow and pull up frost-dead flowers and plants. Patio furniture needs to be stored for the winter. Most of that will have to wait until tomorrow. We have a wedding to attend up north in the early evening. 

I have a Boston Butt in the freezer. I may try to smoke a little pork one last time Sunday while I’m working outside. Maybe. The boss will let me know. That’s how things work around here. 

I know I won’t get everything done I want. I just remembered I promised the boy I would help him move the last of his furniture into his new house tomorrow. Yes, I forgot to mention he moved out last weekend. It was nice having him and his little dog around, but I am glad to get my office back. 

I can’t believe we are but a couple of weeks from Thanksgiving. 

Have a good weekend. I hope it is less busy than mine.

What say we end on some music. It’s not from ‘71, but it has been stuck in my head for some reason:

Man, I played the heck out of that Greatest Hits album back in the day. It was the soundtrack for Friday night parties when just-married us lived in an apartment across the hall from our best friends. Both our wives worked late on Friday evenings and my buddy and I would sit on the balcony, drinking beer, smoking cigars, and listening to Hank while waiting on the girls to get off work.

Funny, he is still my main drinking and smoking buddy to this day. We just do it a little more laid-back these days. Kind of like the song says, if I think on it. 

We are all Jefferson Davis now

 It seems the Democrat response to losing the governor’s election in Virginia is to blame it on racism. Of course that is their response. Everything is racist. Except the last governor wearing blackface. Not that. 

How is it that any of us who happen to disagree with leftist policy are painted as racist hooded-up KKKers straight out of the 1920’s? You would think it was the Republicans who starred in Birth of a Nation and fought against every single Civil Rights Act from the end of the Civil War into the 1960’s. That is what happens when you quit teaching history as history but instead as social studies. 

BTW it was the Democrat party who founded and made up the KKK and fought against Civil Rights. It was a Republican President and administration that freed the slaves. It was a Republican President who sent in troops to force integration in the Little Rock schools. Bull Connor and George Wallace were Democrats. 

Anyway racists whiteys and a whole bunch of people of color voted for Republicans. And if in this Alice in the Looking Glass world the far left lives in means not wanting your kids to be taught they are inferior or evil or guilty by association of crimes against humanity based on their skin color is wrong, then I guess we all know who really is racist.

I guess that whole judging people based on the content of their character is out of style now days. 

Edit. I just realized four of my last eight posts have titles that start with the letter “W”. Is that an unrealized subconscious white supremacy symbol? 

Yes, that is how idiotic things have become.

Loving me, loving you, aha

Jumping time zones is always interesting. I’ve done it in work travels for thirty years, so I know how it works. Even if you stay up in the local time zone to watch something like the World Series, you still wake up at the normal time. Thus, here I am showered, breakfasted, caught up on the news of the day. And it is 7:30 local. It will be at least a hour before I can hit the road. It’s ok. I naive work to do. I’m just avoiding it by blogging away. You might wish I had worked on that quotation I have to do once you wasted your time on this drivel. 

I never promised anyone quality posts. 

Since we are speaking of quality, I must complain that this Hampton Inn breakfast is pretty mediocre even on the Hampton Inn breakfast scale.  I mean come on, you aren’t cleaning rooms every day, take some of that savings and spruce up the breakfast. The juice machine is off. There is but a few muffins of indeterminate age. A few dried up eggs and no oatmeal, yogurt, or waffles. I settled for a box of Raisin Bran.

In other news the Dems lost big in Blue Virginia. Maybe, as I said all along, the last election wasn’t a repudiation of Trump policy, but rather the man himself. 

Sorry. I keep getting interrupted by work emails. They don’t care that it is not yet eight here in the Crescent City. I suppose I better focus my attention on the efforts that actually sorta pays the bills.

Have a great hump day.

I got a haircut after I hit town

 Here I am live from the boot toe of Indiana, about as far south as you can get without actually entering Kentucky. I may or may not do that tomorrow. We shall see if the day is as unfruitful as today was. At least it was sunny for my drive through the hinterlands of Hoosierdom. 

I’m glad to see our betters climb into their private jets and limos so they could meet to lecture the rest of us on how we are poor stewards of the environment. You know what? Let me know when the Third World and places like China  India cut their emissions 50%, then I’ll be glad to vote to destroy my standard of living, my way of life, and our economy in the name of the Green Religion. Until then I wish Biden and his ilk would just go away. And I especially mean that for the petulant teenager from Scandinavia. Your 15 is up Greta, you may exit stage left. Watch a movie. Read a book. Drink a beer. Just lighten up. No one likes you.  No one wants to be scolded and lectured 24-7. I bet Greta couldn’t even phone a friend should she find herself on a game show. 

Greta has become so overbearing, so tediously single-minded that even her family are starting to roll their eyes when she starts in. Thornburg, hah: more like thorn in the world’s butt. A real pain in the ass, if you know what I mean. 

I think I will take a nap before I make the day’s big decision - where to eat dinner.

What the blooming heck?

 It is November first. I still have day lilies blooming in my backyard. How strange is that?

I had four plants leftover last year when we redid the front flower bed. They sat in their plastic store pots for weeks. Almost dead, I finally stuck them in the ground next to the patio out back. I watered them when I remembered. I was frankly shocked when they popped up this spring. Those hardy little guys have been pumping out a bloom or two per plant since early June. 

Sub-freezing temperatures are forecast for later this week. Mother Nature will win over the flower’s best efforts, I’m afraid.

Those four little yellow day lilies are now my favorites.

Tales of mystery and imagination

 

Goblins gonna get ya

 Little Orphant Annie

by
James Whitcomb Riley

Little Orphan Annie’s come to my house to stay.
To wash the cups and saucers up and brush the crumbs away.

To shoo the chickens from the porch and dust the hearth and sweep,

and make the fire and bake the bread to earn her board and keep.

While all us other children, when the supper things is done,

we sit around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun,

a listening to the witch tales that Annie tells about

and the goblins will get ya if ya don’t watch out!

Once there was a little boy who wouldn’t say his prayers,

and when he went to bed at night away up stairs,

his mammy heard him holler and his daddy heard him bawl,

and when they turned the covers down, he wasn’t there at all!

They searched him in the attic room and cubby hole and press

and even up the chimney flu and every wheres, I guess,

but all they ever found of him was just his pants and round-abouts

and the goblins will get ya if ya don’t watch out!!Once there was a little girl who always laughed and grinned

and made fun of everyone, of all her blood and kin,

and once when there was company and old folks was there,

she mocked them and she shocked them and said, she didn’t care.

And just as she turned on her heels to go and run and hide,

there was two great big black things a standing by her side.

They snatched her through the ceiling fore she knew what shes about,

and the goblins will get ya if ya don’t watch out!!

When the night is dark and scary, and the moon is full

and creatures are a flying and the wind goes Whoooooooooo,

you better mind your parents and your teachers fond and dear,

and cherish them that loves ya, and dry the orphans tears

and help the poor and needy ones that cluster all about,

or the goblins will get ya if ya don’t watch out!!!

What’s a few hundred billion among friends?

The Democrats are talking about what they call “infrastructure” bills. Only one sorta deals with roads and bridges and such (it’s loaded with pork too). The other is no more than a socialist wish list - green energy, free money to some people, programs, and favors to lobbies. Bernie wanted to spend 6 trillion. The Progressive wing will settle for a tad over 3 trillion. Biden might compromise for 2 trillion.

Do those people grasp just how much money that is?

I wrote a post describing the mountains of debt that tried to put it into perspective. It was a decade ago, so some of the references are dated, but I hope it helps describe just how much money a trillion dollars is:

June 7, 2011

Mountains of Pennies

We are a little numb to huge dollar figures these days. When lotteries and game shows give away millions we tend to think that is not much money. It is.

When the press discusses Government finance we are faced with terms like billion and trillion. I just cannot get my mind around Obama's projected debt total of more than 14 trillion dollars. I am no math whiz. I am no financial whiz either. So I sat down with a pencil and paper and tried to put Government spending into a term I could understand.

Here is the Debt: $14,500,000,000,000.

To better understand this amount, I have tried to shrink these huge amounts into a monetary figure I could grasp. Let us say a million dollars is the same as having a penny in your pocket. We may not know a millionaire, but we all understand that having a cold hard million in specie huddling down with the lint in your right front pocket would be a lot of money. So if you were a millionaire you would have a penny. 

If you have the investment savvy of Hillary Clinton you might increase that million dollars into one hundred million. Maybe your Fat in Indiana stock split or something. Instead of that shiny penny smell you would now have a crisp new one dollar bill to buy some Fritos or pass to a sweaty stripper.

You have that dollar which represents one hundred million. You are rich in a professional athlete way, but you want NFL owner type wealth.  You want to be a billionaire. You trade that shiny one dollar bill for a ten-spot and you now are a billionaire. Just think, with a few shiny pennies you have millions, but it takes a sawbuck with a picture of Hamilton to be a billionaire! Yep if you had Bill Gates' wealth you would be worth $560! Again, compare that kind of money to a copper penny million. 

Now we are getting into real money.  Government spending amounts. Obama and the Democrats saddled us with a $750 billion stimulus bill. Unemployment has remained steady, the value of the dollar has dropped, food and gas prices are souring. How much is 750 billion in our little currency game? As a millionaire you had a penny.  If you could pocket the stimulus you would have a check for $7,500 in your wallet. You could buy a used car for your teenager with that kind of cash. You could fill up your SUV with premium. Seriously, most Americans do not make that much money in a month.

Finally, we get to real money. The kind of debt the government has saddled us with. The kind of money our kids and grandkids are going to have to pony up. If We The People were playing penny ante poker, the pot just grew from a couple of pennies to $140,000! That is correct. If we make pennies in our lifetime, the Government spends the equivalent of the price for a cheap ranch prefab house in the country. 

As I said, I am no math genius. How many people like Bill Gates would have to be taxed the entirety of their holdings -- $560 to come up with $140,000? I am telling you, there ain't enough rich people. So tell me again we need another stimulus. Explain to me how we are going to get out of this mess without some serious across-the-board spending cuts. If you have a mortgage of $140,000 and only have a penny in your pocket you have some real issues. You cannot spend your way out of debt. You can't borrow your way out of debt. Most of us will earn a few pennies at best in our lifetime -- if we are lucky. Compare that penny to what Obama and the politicians from both parties have spent. We are not talking hope and pocket change here.

Will you sleep better tonight?

What the fuck?

 Biden administration in talks to give illegal immigrants separated from their families $450,000 PER PERSON.

OMG.  Read here. Remove breakables from reach

Sorry. I’m trying hard not to swear, but this is beyond fucking ridiculous.