Weekend Funny

Friday Five volume MCXII

Last week I gave you incredibly easy lyrics. I think this week's contest will be Goldilocks (not too hard...not too easy...). This week we are working the oldies. Lets get right to it shall we?

1. My mother was a tailor
She sewed my new bluejeans
My father was a gamblin' man
Down in New Orleans
Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk House of the Rising Sun by the Animals -- Sohos and others

2.HERE I COME AGAIN NOW BABY
LIKE A DOG IN HEAT
TELL IT'S ME BY THE WAY NOW BABY
I LIKE TO TAP THE STREETS
NOW I'VE BEEN SMOKING FOR SO LONG
YOU KNOW I'M HERE TO STAY Stranglehold by Ted Nugent -- Otter

3. Now every time I look at you
Something is on my mind (dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-duh)
If you do what I want you to
Baby, we'd be so fine
Oh, life could be a dream (sh-boom)
If I could take you up in paradise up above (sh-boom)
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream sweetheart Sh-Boom by the Crew Cuts -- Mrs JG

4. People, dont you understand
The child needs a helping hand
Or hell grow to be an angry young man some day
Take a look at you and me,
Are we too blind to see,
Do we simply turn our heads
And look the other way In the Ghetto by Elvis -- Mrs Goldbloom

5. Asking only workmans wages, I come lookin for a job, but I get no offers
Just a comeon from the whores on 7th avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there The Boxer by Paul Simon -- Sohos

bonus:

Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely Stand by Your Man by Tammy Wynette -- Freddie

And that my friends, is some damn good advice.

edit. I am in a generous mood, if you guess either the artist or title I will give you credit.

I'm Back

Hola, I am back in the land of farms and flat land. Another long and boring sales meeting is in my rear view mirror. Let me insert a quick apology here. Sorry I did not call you ES, my phone was about dead (I forgot my charger)and I thought I better save it for bidnez. There were two interesting things that happened. We went go-kart racing. The high end very fast kind. It was a hoot. In one of the 7 lap qualifying heats one of the Chinese guys from the company plowed right in the back of me at more than 40 mph. He hit me so hard I flew over the tire barrier and into the wall. The impact knocked off one of my shoes, if you can believe it. It felt like someone hit me in the back with a bat. I have been in pretty severe pain since.

I still made the race for the top 11 drivers (11th starting spot!) and ended finishing 9th overall. I was fourth fastest prior to the crash and I just never was able to drive the hairpins as aggressively after I hurt my back. The pain got worse later in the night. I think I will survive though.

The second event was I found myself across from one of the big wheel mucky-mucks from the company at dinner one night. This guy was one of those North East ultra left liberals I have heard of. In all honesty, the so called liberals in the Hoosier State are pretty conservative. Anyway, I have never heard such anger and hate. This guy could have been a poster over at the Daily Kos or Democrat Underground. Usually Religion and politics are never discussed in business settings, but this guy went on and on about how he does not trust any electric voting machines because the Republicans control that industry and have written code in the software that allows the results to be manipulated. He told why we must not let any other Republican nominate a judge for the Supreme Court, and how Bush is personally to blame for every thing wrong in the world.

You would have been proud of me, peeps. I did not slam him in place with his crazy talk. I just smiled and stayed out of the fray. I just put in a few jabs on occasion. For instance when he started in on Bush causing oil to rise and that Bush was responsible for the foreclosure rate I pointed out neither were issues before we elected a Democrat-controlled Congress. Then, in a completely out of character moment for me, I let him off the hook by saying that I am not sure either crises was caused by the President or Congress, and that long-held banking policies and economics had more to do with it. He told me we never had such issues under Clinton. For the most part I let it ride. It was a real treat to meet one of these guys in real life -- kind of like seeing the snakes at the zoo.

I will be back later with a Friday Five. I hope you are ready to play.

I Love Travel

Well I finally arrived to the wondefull and fantastic New York City area. I left home at 9:00 am and arrived at my hotel a little after midnight. For those of you keeping score, I could have driven in that time.

It started with a delay in Indy that made me miss my conection. East Coast weather conspired and I spent the next SEVEN effing hours in Detroit. I did break it up and spent 4 hours in Terminal A and three hours in Terminal C. NW airlines was generous enough to give me a $5 meal voucher. Of course five bucks will not even buy a beer at the airport.

Well off to the sales meeting. I can say this -- a typical sales meetng is more exciting than a librarian convention!

I am leaving on a jetplane

Off to the big sales meeting. On a side not it probably was not a good idea to pitch 1-1/2 hours of batting practice Saturday evening. My shoulder aches and my back is so tight I cannot even move. I cannot even scratch my balls without wincing in pain. Some days I forget I am an ancient 46. It should be a great time schlepping my luggage through various airports to my super sekrit most boring and un-tropical, non-resort location. I keep trying to make them understand going to the home office for the annual sales meeting is not a treat. If everyone would just follow my advise this would be a much better world. On that I am sure we can all agree.

Maybe I will post this week, maybe not. The best course of action is to check back here at least once every hour.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies.

Weekend Funny -- Sleepy Saturday Edition

Boy, I thought the Friday Five were easy yesterday. I dropped the song title right into every lyric, usually more than once. The bonus was a curve ball though, since the title is not a lyric in the song at all. Hey Dragon, you should have read my comment with the hint a little closer:

sorry -- maybe the third time is a charm. For what it is worth, here is a hint: ALL of the Friday Five have the actual song title in the posted lyrics. The bonus does not.

Subtle is not usually a description you would apply to my persona. Sometimes I can fool you if you are not paying attention!

Last night the Middle School sponsored a lock-in from 11:00 pm until 6 am for those eighth graders who have good grades and attendance. The wife and I agreed to be chaperons. The boy had a fine time. I slept from 6:30 until 9:30 am this morning. I had to get up and post something for you. You all owe me big time.

Here is today's Weekend Funny. Right when I was running out my friend Jan sent me a bunch more cartoons:

Sexual Palindrome

It is funny how phrases get locked in your mind on a long boring drive. If I ever form a band 'Sexual Palindrome" will be our name. That is not likely to happen since I can neither sing nor play an instrument.

On a totally unrelated note, is the I-65/ I-80 interchange ever going to be finished? How many years have they been working on it now?

This week's Friday Five are so easy, you can not even call them softballs. It is like bowling with bumpers or hitting a wiffle ball from a tee with one of those giant, oversized bats little kids use. Good luck, and no cheating!

1. In the shuffling madness
Of the locomotive breath,
Runs the all-time loser,
Headlong to his death. Locamotive breath by Jethro Tull -- Tom

2.Out there in the spotlight your a million miles away,
Every ounce of energy, you try and give away,
As the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play.
Later in the evening as you lie awake in bed,
With the echo from the amplifiers ringing in your head,
You smoke the days last cigarette, remembering what she said.
Now here I am, on the road again. there I am, up on the stage.
Here I go, playing star again.
There I go, turn the page.
Here I am, on the road again. there I am, up on the stage.
Ah here I go, playing star again.
There I go, there I go. Turn the page by Bob Seger -- Mrs JG

3. This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end The End by the Doors -- Dragon

4. Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
And maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind Always on my mind by Willie Nelson -- Mrs JG

5. Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain (We can be like they are)
Come on baby (Don't fear the reaper)
Baby take my hand (Don't fear the reaper)
We'll be able to fly (Don't fear the reaper)
Baby I'm your man Don't Fear the reaper by Blue Oyster Cult -- Dragon

and the bonus:

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away
We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, now, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down For what its worth by Buffalo Springfield -- Tom

Questions

I have questions.

The wife watches American Idol. Last night the theme was Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. One of the contestants sang a Duran Duran song -- Hungry like the wolf.

Please tell me Duran Duran is not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Surely not. If not, how could he sing that song?

Wednesday Wanderings

I used to have a near photographic memory. I could recite back entire passages of books I had read. Names, dates and history were at my immediate beck and call. I could describe from memory the details and troop movements by regiment in the Battle of Chicamauga. The order of battle at Shiloh or the names of each of the Zulu Impis that attacked the 24th Foot at Isadhlwanda was on the tip of my tongue. I could tell you the first dozen Roman Emperors and the dates they ruled along with the names of their wives and children. I would sit on the couch shouting the answers to nearly every question on Jeopardy. I could memorize details for tests -- the periodic table, metric/English conversions, foreign words and phrases. I possessed an almost encyclopedic knowledge of part numbers -- customer, competitor, and of the various companies for whom I have worked. I was a virtual walking phone book -- pizza places, customers, relatives and friends.

No more. Every day I find my vaunted memory fails me. I could sit in business meetings and later relate the conversations verbatim in trip reports. Now I have to take notes. Is this a function of age? Like my vision, is my brain just getting weaker? Is it a question of no longer focusing so intently? Am I out of storage capacity and facts I no longer need are stuffed away, harder to access? Is it all still in my brain, a rusty dusty file cabinet of useless details stored in the basement? If I actually found my self in a discussion of the Boer War, could I discuss the role of Jan Smuts, one memory stirring another? Is this something I should be concerned about? An emotional mixture of paranoia and hypochondria makes for some crazy self-diagnosis.

Hah, Woody lost the Congressional race. I am not in his district, but his ads ran every commercial break. They were filled with distortion and in some cases outright falsehoods. Maybe he should have concentrated on running against his opponent instead of "George Bush's mess".

The weather has been great, but it looks like rain is settling in for a few days. I mowed last night. That is almost as good a guarantee of rain as washing the car. Now the weeds will grow even faster.

Did you see the pictures of the Cinco de Mayo celebrations at a high school in Californica? They hoisted the Mexican flag above an upside-down Stars and Stripes. If Mexico is so great, why don't they just go back?

Am I the only one who enjoys the feature from the past few Fridays -- guess the lyrics?

Well, I can no longer avoid working on my sales presentation. It is going to be a disaster. We are limited to six slides, but have 45 minutes to fill. I expect a thorough grilling.

A day at the beach

It is going to be a perfect day today, makes me think of the beach.

New Improved -- With All Natural Ingedients

I have a very busy week ahead. Customer visits are on tap. I have to prepare for the annual sales meeting coming up next week. I have not even started on my presentation. Some joker made the quarterly forecast due at the same time. My preprinted forecast sheets are more than 110 pages long. In my spare time I have to mow the yard (or do you say cut the grass, cut the lawn, mow the lawn?). The point is posting may be light this week. Or not. Your best bet is to check in twenty or thirty times a day to see if I have anything new up.

So Dick can rest easy, this old fart is merely coaching a team of 13-15 year olds. What fun and joy, they have such great attitudes and respond so favorably to criticism...

For any of you so stupid as to buy into the Federal Gas tax holiday bullshit, consider this. None of the candidates will take office until January 2009. Maybe some of you law experts can help me here, but tax law and tax codes are created by Congress. Does the President even have the authority to override a law passed by Congress? In any case you will not see relief for a long, long, long time. In the years it will take to create the mythical alternate fuels, more efficient engines etc., we could have the oil flowing out of ANWR. More supply will decrease demand and give us lower prices. I do not understand what the most basic truth of economics eludes the socialists of the world. The law of supply and demand always always always is in effect for every commodity. Your wife understands this when she uses her 'favors' to get you to paint the living room, and the smart guys at OPEC understand it too. Even the most primitive aborigines in the deepest jungles know that if an item is rare or scarce, it has greater value. There is a reason dirt has never been used as currency.

My Dad sent me a terrifying email. The formatting was all hinky, he somehow cut off half of the pictures and text -- vertically. I was able to make out the gist of the story. It seems some lady, in some city bought some plants from some store. You are already convinced of the veracity aren't you? Any way when she replanted the perennials and pulled the liner from the bottom of the pot it was filled with tiny, baby, oh so cute copperheads. They look like menacing poisonous worms in the picture. If that had happened to me, we would have had lots of fertilizer for the plants, 'cause I would have shit right on the spot.

It reminds me of the time Otter and I were at Boy Scout Camp near Bloomington, Indiana (locals know which one I am referring). We took a little used trail behind the Chapel and he stepped on a whole mess of baby copperheads. Lucky he had boots on. That year (mid 1970's) the snakes were thick at the camp. We saw dozens of blacksnakes and copperheads that summer. I do not think I slept the whole week, worrying a snake would curl up next to me in the sleeping bag.

Sunday Morning

I pitched batting practice on Thursday. I moved the boy out of his third floor dorm on Friday. I moved my daughter from her third floor room and most of her furniture from her bedroom at the house yesterday. We have one more load to take today -- a few dishes and the bed. There are also a few more clothes in her college room.

I am sore. Those three words say so much, yet are so completely inadequate to describe the state of my body. It is a struggle to reach up to scratch my head. I have baseball practice this evening. There is no way on earth I will be able to throw a ball, forget batting practice. I hope I can at least hit infield.

Insert big Sigh here

I am ready. Today I know I will have an argument with my wife. It is inevitable.

We are moving my daughter into an apartment. She is taking summer classes and working in Indy.

The wife cried like a baby when we took the daughter to school her freshman year, again when we took my son to college. This time one of the kids is moving out and it is going to be hard. I will be tired and irritable from lifting and carrying. The wife is going to be the same. We both are going to be emotional -- the first of our babies is leaving the nest and I do not think she will be back. Her life is ahead of her.

So yeah, a fight is on the horizon and it will be over something silly. Dumb things are always the catalyst. I am going to try hard to have some patience. By the third time I have repositioned the dresser, I will be ready to explode. I will have to grin and remember I love these women.

Some days life is a little harder than others.

Friday Five

Do you remember those hot summer days as a kid when the carnival would mysteriously show up at the grocery parking lot and in hours you could ride the tilt-a-whirl, the scrambler or the bullet? You would rush home and scrape up your quarters and beg some money from your mom to ride the rides. Remember the flashing lights and the smell of grease and oil and machinery and sweat and corn dogs and cotton candy? They never do that around here any more.

I enjoyed the Friday Quiz last week, so lets do the lyric challenge again. Some are hard, some not so much. Remember no using Google or search engines!

1. Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me
Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you Fly me to the moon -- Jerry

2.Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good SOS by ABBA -- Mrs JG

3.The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in
Engines stop running and the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear error, but I have no fear
London is drowning-and I live by the river London Calling by the Clash -- Otter

4. Then I got mary pregnant and man that was all she wrote
And for my nineteen birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat
We went down to the courthouse and the judge put it all to rest
No wedding day smiles no walk down the aisle
No flowers no wedding dress The River by Springsteen -- Mrs JG

5.Sister Bluebird flying high above,
Shine your wings forward to the sun.
Hide the myst'ries of life on your way.
Though you've seen them, please don't say a word.
What you don't know, I have never heard. Starship Trooper by Yes -- RalphD00d

bonus (this one is for you Dragon):

Lime and limpid green, a second scene
A fight between the blue you once knew.
Floating down, the sound resounds
Around the icy waters underground.
Jupiter and Saturn, Oberon, Miranda
And Titania, Neptune, Titan.
Stars can frighten. Astronomy Domine by Pink Floyd

I hate politicians

Windfall taxes on the oil companies will be a VERY SHORT TERM fix to high gas prices. The result will be gas shortages and eventually even higher prices as the companies find a way to maintain profits and pass the taxes to the end user.

Obama and Clinton both say they want to pour millions into alternative sources for fuel.. What are these mysterious sources that will reduce our dependence on oil in months or years? There is no promising solution on the horizon. How about we drill for our OWN oil? The increased flow of oil will reduce DEMAND by increasing SUPPLY. Then prices will come down. One clear reason gas is $3.75 a gallon is Bill Clinton's veto of approval to drill in ANWR ten years ago.

To the local politician who runs ads 24/7 -- George Bush has never sponsored, voted upon or passed a single piece of legislation. Either you are a pandering liar, or you have absolutely no knowledge or understanding of the political process. Either makes you an unacceptable candidate.

The Government cannot create jobs. Presidents cannot make our streets safer. Punishing oil companies will not reduce the price nor increase the supply of gas. Will Clinton/Obama explain how giving people tax refunds now will help stimulate the economy, but how tax cuts are evil? Does not each put more spending money into the hands of the consumer?

I have more -- lots more -- but I am out of time. Work, work, work.

Perverse

per·verse /pərˈvɜrs/ [per-vurs]
–adjective 1. willfully determined or disposed to go counter to what is expected or desired; contrary.

I have been told this description applies to my personality. I am not sure why. My Internet buddy JT over at Jundland Waste clearly thinks I am somewhat contrary. He posted a MeMe and tagged me. He said of me, and I quote:

Hoosier Boy - because he won’t do this anyway

JT is a smart guy. He knows that is just the challenge I cannot resist. All my life I have heard "Don't touch that", I bet you can't drink that", "I forbid you", "Keep off". Most people look at those phrases as warnings. To me they are invitations.

So, I will play along. Here are the so called rules:

1) Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2) Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3) Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4) Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. Like JT, I do not like using public pens. Or having strangers touch me.
2. My right big toe has no nail, and I can touch my nose with my tongue (two for one bonus).
3. I can speak words, numbers and phrases in at least 8 languages. But I cannot claim the ability to communicate in any but American English -- even then, my fluency is often called into question.
4. I was an Eagle Scout (and a Firecrafter and member of OA).
5. I have visited nearly every state and 7 foreign countries, but I have lived my entire life in Indiana.
6. I took off in an airplane three times before I landed in one. The first two times I parachuted.
7. My first real job (W4, taxes etc.) was as a janitor.

There, seven random facts. I believe I have divulged all of these in the past. I am pleased I was able to play along.

Consider yourself tagged, if you wish.

Mentoring Your Children

Former President Bill Clinton gave a speech in the old hometown yesterday evening. He was literally a few blocks away from my house. I was a little surprised to see the Democrats campaign here. There has only been one Democrat win an office in the city or county in about 12 years. A couple of elections ago the Dims did not even offer a candidate.

The boy and I were in the yard tossing a baseball and I asked him if he wanted to go see the President speak. He asked which President. I told him President Clinton.

"He is not the President".

Well, he is an ex-President. I told him I have never seen a President, current or sitting.

He held the ball and looked at me for a second. "I would not mind seeing a President, I guess", he said, "but not him -- not Bill Clinton".

I am not a complete failure as a parent after all.

Weekend Funny

Sweet Dreams

I had some weird dreams last night. I do not often dream, and I rarely sleep long enough at a stretch to get into REM sleep. In these dreams I was studying a certain kind of ball bearing assembly. There was an engineering question I was trying to solve, but it was fuzzy and indistinct what I was analyzing.

I am not an engineer, but at one time in my career I would have told you I was among the top four or five experts in the world when discussing certain, specific bearings and their application. Just about everyone in that industry would have agreed. I worked with one engineer colleague for more than a year who thought I was a degreed engineer. I bet he was disappointed in his engineering education, when I knew more than him with my history degree! On more than one occasion I have been contacted by my competitors to come and work for them. This is not braggadocio, it is fact. Over time one can only whore out to a certain number of companies and peddle the same products to the same people without losing credibility. "No really, this time the product I am offering is the best..."

Now I sell different bearings in different applications. I have not thought of the old products in a long time. Can any of you amateur Psych majors do a little dream analysis for me? Why am I dreaming of detailed assembly drawings and trying to answer application issues about ball bearings in my dreams? Why am I worrying about the radius of a groove cut into the corner of a bearing? Why am I dreaming about blueprints? I want to dream about nookie, or beer, or baseball, not effing ball bearings.

Weekend Funny

Hello Blogworld

I am back from my marathon customer visit yesterday. We were to do a pre-production run of 200 pieces. It should have taken a couple hours. I left home at 5:30 am. I returned at 10:15 pm. There were production line problems, our widgets ran fine. I love my job.

I am going to take advantage of a beautiful Friday to bring back a feature from long ago -- the Friday quiz. I am going to also do what bloggers do best -- steal other blogger's ideas. Some weeks ago Dragon put up a song lyric quiz. I did not answer because the songs sucked (just kidding, Dragon Lady. Maybe) and I did not know the answers (because the songs sucked).

Anyway here is this week's quiz. See if you can name the artist and song. Throw in the album if you like. And no fair googling or using a search engine to find the answers. This is a test of your musical knowledge. The songs are from the 60's, 70's and 80's. All were played on the radio.

1.Battleships confide in me and tell me where you are,
Shining, flying, purple wolfhound, show me where you are,
Lost in summer, morning, winter, travel very far,
Lost in musing circumstances, that's just where you are. Yours is no Disgrace by Yes -- Punko

2.Okay, if that's the way it must be, okay
I guess I'll go on home, its late
There'll be tomorrow night, but wait!
What do I see?
Is she walking back to me? Oh Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison -- Freddie

3.Said - said - said: I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown,
Oba - obaserving the 'ypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet.
Good friends we have, oh, good friends we've lost
Along the way.
In this great future, you can't forget your past;
So dry your tears, I seh. No Woman, No Cry by Bob Marley -- Supergirl

4.If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat Behind Blue Eyes by The Who -- Richmond

5.Over and over.
Ah, my mind's such a sweet thing.
I want to do everything.
What a beautiful feeling Crimson and Clover by Tommy James --Jerry

6.So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
...We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here by Pink Floyd --Freddie

7.Doctor please, some more of these
Outside the door, she took four more
What a drag it is getting old Mother's little Helper by the Rolling Stones -- Jerry

8.Stepped into a church I passed along the way
Well, I get down on my knees and I pretend to pray.
You know the preacher likes the cold
He knows I'm gonna stay. California Dreamin' by the Mamas and Papas -- Richmond

9.Six o' clock
In the morning I feel pretty good
So I dropped into the luxury of the Lords
Fighting dragons and crossing swords
With the people against the hordes who came to conquer

Seven o'clock
In the morning here it comes I taste the warning
And I'm so amazed I'm here today
Seeing things so clear this way
In the car and on my way to Stonehenge

hint: You will gnash your teeth and go to Church when you see this answer.

Answer: Cathedral by Crosby, Stills and Nash

This one is really really hard unless you are from Central Indiana, but it was a national #1 hit:

10.Wooow, hey
Mmm mmm mmm mmm

You can have your Cajun queens
Down in New Orleans
And take the movie stars
Who drive impress me more cars

Take your high class show and tell
Don`t need no modern day Jezebel
All I want, ain`t no lie
Check it out, Leroy
They breeze by I wish I had Girl by Henry Lee Summer -- Dragon

and an easy bonus:

Sitting on a park bench
eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot running down his nose
greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Drying in the cold sun
Watching as the frilly panties run.
Feeling like a dead duck
spitting out pieces of his broken luck. Aqualung by Jethro Tull Freddie

Not politically correct...

> It was a terrible nightmare, the most horrible one you could imagine. In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo - and it was that same color. Black. No, no, God no, it can't be!! I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!
>
> That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled."
>
> "It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual whore and on top of that with a M exican boyfriend. Sonofa#@$%!!!! Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!
>
> Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo...I'm Bald!!!
>
> The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap.. Any job." Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
>
> I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere .
>
> Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
>
> At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary?
>
> Hillary or Barack?
>
> Sonofa@#$% Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but PLEASE don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!!

wash rinse repeat

I should post something. All I have is boring minutiae of my life. See yesterday's post.

Not satisfied? That is what she said...

Alright, ask me a question, give me a topic.

Go Cubs

Consider this a really pithy, humorous post.

Work and absolutely beautiful weather prohibit me from actually making an effort.

What is bugging me today

I was in that fuzzy period between deep sleep and awake when I had the most brilliant flash of ironic insight. It was a terrifically humorous observation. I jumped from bed. In the moments after taking a piss and getting the wife an aspirin the thought receded on the outgoing tide of sleep. Like waves on the sand, the imagery recedes. Now the genius of my observation is mere trash on the beach, discarded rubbers, beer cans and broken shells of memory. My thoughts are soggy bits of half-burned driftwood and empty Cheetos bags. The damn seagull screech of reality interrupts my thought processes. I have spent the last couple of hours trying to get it back to no avail. I know it had something to do with Biblical names...

The wife says I cannot wash down my bacon with a Slimfast shake. She says it will defeat the purpose. Instead I had some bacon and OJ and a Dr Pepper along with a bowl of Sugar Pops. No milk. I refuse to give in to the political correctness of the minions of health at The Kellogg Company of Battle Creek, Michigan -- The Best to You Each Morning, Kellogg's. Today's Corn Pops look the same, taste the same, even the box is similar to the tasty breakfast cereal I enjoyed as a kid. Some health Nazi or marking fool mandated that cereal should not reflect a sugar content so now we have Corn Pops instead of Sugar Pops, Honey Smacks instead of Sugar Smacks and Super Golden Crisp instead of Super Sugar Crisp. They even call the mascot 'Honey Bear' instead of 'Sugar Bear'! Jeepers. Anyway, I hardly ever eat cereal and I guess I will have to start my regimen of healthy diet eating on Monday. I will enjoy a Slimfast shake in the morning followed by a sensible lunch and dinner. Or maybe not.

Danica Patrick finally lived up to five years of hype and won a race. Now let us see if she can do it again, or at least finish in the top ten in points before we anoint her GODDESS of ALL RACING.

Is the NBA over yet?

If you sent the blurry picture of a baseball game to my cell phone last night would you please ID yourself and let me know the point of sending the picture. I don't get it.

Doves. They are dumb, loud, stubborn, and not worth the effort to kill and eat. I will kill that bastard if it does not cease sitting outside my window at the crack of dawn (Who the fuck is Dawn and why is her crack exposed anyway?) making that whoo-oop hooo call over and over and over and over and.....@^%$^**&%$#@ birds.

Speaking of birds, the wife and I were watching Iron Chef yesterday. One of the dishes was fried squab (pigeon?) and the chef instructed the diners to bite off the back of the head and suck out the brains. He showed them how to hold the beak just so. He also fried up some tripe. It used to be people ate tripe and pigs feet and souse (head cheese) and brains and sweetbreads and blood sausage and such because they had to use the whole animal. It was an economical decision. Now the rich and decadent go for the entrails and brains as a delicacy. What next -- an appetizer of deep fried pig ears and chicken beaks served with leach and blood salsa, followed by roasted haunch of field mouse (free range) and seasoned with dandelion curry, served with wild rice tossed with toe-jam infused butter and accompanied by a rich salad consisting of field greens, pink yak-milk cheese and fried catfish tails in a warm dressing of cow butt swipes? I think I'll stick with bacon and hamburger and steak.

Oh, if I can get 80 or 90 of you to visit, or one of you to click here 80 or 90 times I will hit 70K visits. That is more visits than people who live in my county. Thanks for your continued support. Why you come here, I don't know. What you are looking for is an even greater mystery (except for the dozen or so hits every day looking for pygmy sex -- mostly those are from middle eastern countries). I do appreciate it.

Weekend Funny

History lessons

We have all heard the famous quote about those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. I will not reproduce it here because it is a load of crap. History does not repeat. We can learn some valuable lessons from the study of history that can be applied to modern situations though. Human nature does not change.

233 years ago today there was a group of hard working citizens. They loved their country. Their Government did not love them back. It stomped on individual liberty. It imposed burdensome taxes and regulations. The final straw was when they tried to confiscate the citizen's guns and ammunition. On April 19, 1775 The British Army marched to the towns of Lexington and Concord to seize weapons and powder. There, citizen soldiers stood up to the Government. "No more". they said.

By the rude bridge that arched the flood,
Their flag to April's breeze unfurled;
Here once the embattled farmers stood;
And fired the shot heard round the world.
--Emerson

In those brief moments of violence and death a nation was born. Our Sixteenth President said it best:

[O]ur fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

It is ironic that the day we pay our taxes falls so close to the anniversary of the start of the Revolutionary War. A rebellion fought primarily over taxation and the overreach of Government. Take time today to give thanks you were born in the United States of America. Thank God your forefathers had the courage to fight for the freedoms we enjoy today. Reflect on the sacrifices made by the Armed Forces since in wars that have allowed the peoples of the world to drink from the cup of liberty and freedom.

God Bless America

A letter to one of my favorite bloggers

I rarely comment on other's blogs. I think if I have nothing to contribute why bother? You, for some reason, compel me to comment. Unfortunately, I never can find the words to say what I want to convey. You have a real talent for writing. You need to take pride in the life you have. You are a good Mom. I can think of no higher compliment. I am not presumptuous enough to offer any advice. You should live each day to the fullest. It took me a long time, but I finally discovered that if you spend every day concentrating on what is wrong with your life you miss out on what is right and good. I have to repeat that mantra often, but I am far happier when I keep that in mind.

Yawn

There was a minor earthquake in the area this morning (5.4 rs). It was about on the magnitude of a really strong peal of thunder, only it lasted about 10 or 20 seconds. You know the kind of thunder I am talking about if you live in the Midwest. It shakes the house, rattles the windows and such. The whole thing was no big deal, just strong enough to wake me up. After the earthquake the wife moved some very heavy candlesticks and a brick on the shelf above my side of the bed. What is up with that?

Anyway, in typical fashion, the local news went crazy with wall to wall coverage. They even pre-empted the Today Show to extend the coverage of the earthquake. Keep in mind, there was NO DAMAGE, NO INJURIES, and many people (including my son) did not even wake up. The news (every Indy channel) took calls and read emails from viewers telling about their "experience". Each account was the same -- "the walls shook and the windows rattled". What kind of loser speed dials the local TV station to tell his story? This is the biggest non-event since the blizzards that did not happen this winter.

In other exciting news I went to a concert last night. There were no guitar solos, pyrotechnics or roadies. It was a combo Eighth Grade/ High School band concert. It was only slightly less thrilling than the Earthquake 2008. The good news is this is my very last band concert. The boy is dropping band after this year. I wonder if that will make the local news?

Start your day off right

I used to say there was no better way to start the day than by getting a little nookie. It has been so long since that happened I will leave the truth of that statement to be judged by others more fortunate.

I can say with assertive authority that a serving of bacon each morning goes a long way to ensuring a happy start to the workday.

A few Cheetos in the afternoon can help keep up your waning spirits as well.

You are welcome.

Vacation Pictures

Have you found yourself in a situation that made you ridiculously uncomfortable? In the olden days, before cell phones, before most of us had computers in our house, when I was a young Hoosierboy fresh from college, when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, I worked as a management trainee at an injection molder of plastics. As such, I spent time with the white-collar types that inhabited the front office. In fact, I was the backup for almost every position. I did scheduling, payroll, customer service, shipping paperwork, etc. I also spent time in various supervisory positions on the shop floor. Whenever there was nothing else to do, I worked in the shipping/warehouse department as unofficial assistant manager.

In this duty I received the list of shipments for the day, then as the shipments were ready I went to the office and detailed the weight, number of cartons and pallets so the lady who prepared the shipping documents could type the Bill of Lading, Packing Lists, etc. These are all mundane tasks that occur in manufacturing plants and warehouses every day.

The lady who did the this paperwork was a semi-attractive blond in her middle to late thirties. She always struck me as a nice, if not too bright, person. One spring she went on a Caribbean vacation with her husband. I filled in for her while she was gone. Upon her return I went to other duties. For some reason one of my colleagues went to get the list of daily shipments that Monday morning. I was busy all day shrink wrapping, preparing shipments, etc. Jeff gave me the paperwork to take up front to get the Bill of ladings done. I asked why he could not do it, I was busy. He just laughed and said I should go. He said I should ask Donna to see the pictures from her vacation, if she did not offer.

I sat down next to Donna's desk and gave her the pertinent info. As I was about to leave the office (this office was shared by three women) Donna asked if I had seen her vacation pictures. She handed me the packet. The first was a picture of the resort and the beach. Beautiful. The rest were of her in various poses, some with her husband and some not. In each of these pictures, she was either topless or completely naked. They had gone to a nudie resort.

I was 25. These were pictures of a naked chick with a nice rack. What is the proper etiquette? Does one rush through the pictures, or study each in detail? How long is too much when staring at naked boobies and bush? Keep in mind, she was not showing these images for shock value; in her mind she was just sharing pictures from a great vacation. Her Tetons and Grand Canyon pictures were a little different than mine.

The pictures laid on her desk for about a week. Every guy in the shipping department got a chance to take up the shipping info. Guys share like that. I was never able to look at her the same.

Graphic Pygmy Sex Video

Have you noticed we are not hearing so much about Global Warming anymore? Now the buzzword is "Climate Change". That way the prophets of gloom and doom will be right, no matter what happens. Clearly, what is important is we do all we can to cripple capitalism and promote a new age green way of living. I find it interesting that every solution to limit climate change involves more government regulation and more control over our lives by a few individuals.

Maybe I am just paranoid.

Don't you wish you were me?

I took an early lunch today to go to the store. I wanted to throw a roast into the crock pot for supper. There were only two lanes open at the grocery; the express lane and a regular lane. The store is not busy. The lady in line in front of me is an acquaintance of my wife's. I know her only well enough to say hello. Just after I get into line a stereotypical white trash woman/girl shoves in behind me. You know the type -- a peroxide blond with about two inches of black roots, early twenties, mouth breathing, gum smacking, nose pierced, overweight loudmouth. She is talking on her cell phone. The conversation involves how drunk she was last night. I am not eavesdropping. She is talking loud enough for the whole store to hear. I start to put my things on the belt. In front of me, the checkout girl discovers that one of the jars is leaking. They send the sack boy to get a replacement. The lady gives me an apologetic look. I am not concerned, these things happen.

"They only have one fucking lane open, can you believe it?", shouts the trash. "I hate this fucking store. Oh,my God, this old bitch in line is taking, like, forever. What is that fucking bitch doing? Come on! Unfuckingbelievable." says this epitome of lady-like breeding.

We all turn to give her the stare. She is oblivious. As I finally begin to check out, she is still complaining to her friend about how long it is taking. Every other word from her mouth is a cuss word. In a flash of inspiration I decide I will write a check, just to piss her off more. I am about to affix my signature when I hear her say "Oh Christ, he is writing a fucking check, come on dude". I quickly void the check and tell the checkout girl, sorry, I want to write this over to get some cash. The checkout girl starts laughing. I write very slowly. The trash behind me is about to stroke. I ask for my $25.00 in tens and fives and ones. The checkout girl very deliberately counts the money. I stand there a few moments longer to put the cash in my wallet, put my checkbook and pen in my coat pocket and store my receipt in the bag. Only then do I move away. Childish? -- you bet. Worth every minute? ditto. It is the little victories over the assholes that make life worth living.

I wonder if the bank would take a check written with Roman Numerals? That would really slow down things next time. How do you write $17.98 anyway?

$ XVII. XCVIII?

View from my windsheild Volume XIV

These clouds looked fake yesterday afternoon. This was taken just a few miles from where I was born and raised. It was also very close to where Jerry lives. It is a little flat around there.

Blogging 101

Today's lesson -- things that seem funny as hell at 1:30 am, may not seem so amusing in the cold light of day. Brain filters are a good thing. Use them.

Crazy

Crazy -- that is my life lately. Not Patsy Cline Crazy, but padded room hysterics crazy. The weirdness of life continues to envelope me in its warm protective arms, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I feel safe. I keep looking over my shoulder for Nurse Ratchett. Questions, questions: do I scratch the same spot on my arm repeatedly until it bleeds or do I bounce around the room like Daffy Duck shouting whoohoo, whoohoo? Maybe I should manifest my festering psychosis by sitting in the chair twitching and drooling while insisting I only watch Law and Order reruns? That may be best since that show is on at least one cable channel 24/7. Hell, for all I know it is the rest of you who are the lunatics and I am the sane one. Is it a bad sign when Syd Barrett lyrics start to make sense? Some days I swear I can hear the synapses sizzling as they short out, the smoke and sound echoing in my cranium. Ponder on that imagery for a while, gophers.

How do I reconcile the long, well researched post on the price of oil and the falling dollar that generates a mere whisper of discussion? My fiction is worse than I imagine -- crickets offer louder applause. That is OK, I can take it. I understand -- boring just ain't in. But when I smack the keys at random, enter a few space bars and hits on the return key, I generate the most comments in months. It is all crazy I tell you. or maybe I am just a fucking genius. Blame it on the orange juice. Or maybe the vodka I water it with. Just kidding. Maybe. Look, some bloggers offer you free panties, I can only retaliate by letting you see the train wreck that masquerades as rational thought patterns. Welcome to my brain peoples.

Against my better judgement I will be coaching a baseball team again this year. The foul weather has delayed tryouts and hence the start of the season. The boy is chomping at the bit to get going (or is the right word 'champing'? I know nothing about horses or bits or bridals). There is going to be a real shortage of pitching and catchers in this years' draft. The card draw to determine drafting order will be key. A coach always has to take his own kid first in the draft. Since mine is not a pitcher I am always at a disadvantage. Some teams are getting their second pitcher before I get my first. edit: I know, but this is the crap you get if you want me to post anything at all.


Freeze warnings out for tonight. The neighbor's Magnolia is almost hitting full bloom. I am ready for some warm weather. I am going to hit the library tomorrow. I feel the need to digest a little Hemingway. I might try on a little Ivanhoe as well. There is a clear juxtaposition of styles for you. I suspect I do not have the patience to suffer through Scott any more. I have spent the last hour reading about Ivanhoe, which led me to Robin Hood and that took me to King Arthur. Damn research sucks me in every time.

It is now 1:45 am. I should be in bed. I know I am boring you, I am not real excited myself. Maybe this will help set the mood:

Right on the mark

If you read nothing else today, read this post:

click this link now

Learn Something Monday

I was surfing through the channels yesterday and landed for a minute on Fox Sports Midwest. There was a documentary on about a baseball player who played for the Washington Senators. Click this link. The man hailed from Dana, Indiana (tiny Dana was also the birthplace of Ernie Pyle). His promising baseball career was cut short by WWII. He won several medals and was shot down over Austria in 1944.

After the war, he fought to get back into baseball. He finally got his chance with the Senators. He was primarily a batting practice pitcher, but he did finally get into a game. Oh, he lost his right leg below the knee when he crashed his plane.

Even Jerks can be right about some things

I love history. If you have visited here any length of time you know that. But history is full of periods and subjects and disciplines. There is ancient history, Asian history, art history, American History, European History, Political History, Military History, blah, blah, blah. One era I have never really enjoyed in the history of the Middle Ages. Feudalism, serfs, snooooze...As a history major in College I took one course in that subject. The professor was a retired member of the faculty and was quite good, probably because he had been teaching the subject for about 60 years, or maybe because he was alive in the middle ages. The required text was big and brown and weighed about 6 pounds. More significantly, it cost well over $100.00. That was a steep price in the early 1980s. My copy was stolen from under my desk the second day of class during lecture. I know who took it, but I could not prove it. I made it through (with an A) by paying real close attention and borrowing the text from a guy down the hall. My appreciation of the history of the Middle Ages did not improve.

Years later I had a boss who was a complete dick. He was the worse boss I have ever had. For example, he thought his salesmen should read from a script when they visited customers. You cannot imagine the laughs this got at the sales meeting. Anyway, he was always talking about this novel set in the Middle Ages. He knew I loved history and thought I would enjoy it. I avoided the tome for two reasons: He recommended it, and it was about the Middle Ages. The book was The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett. It details the lives and fortunes of those building a cathedral. I know, snooze city. I fianlly broke down and bought the paperback version.

Trust me, this is one terrific book. In fact, you owe me big time because I am spending my Sunday telling you about this book instead of reading the last twenty pages. I will not say more. Do not let the subject or time period keep you from reading this novel. Read it, you will thank me later.

RIP Petunia

About a year ago the wife was gifted a pink petunia in a hand decorated pot. I am not sure if it was a gift for teacher appreciation day or an end of school token or what. That pink Petunia sat in the kitchen window through the spring. Summer saw it grow and bloom. We moved to this house in the fall and it sat on the kitchen counter and thrived.

Winter was tough, the blooms dried up and one of the 'branches' withered and died. I nursed it through the cold, faithfully watering and talking to it each morning as I made the coffee. The last few months saw the plant struggle with life. After one long trip I berated the wife for not giving old Petunia some water. She said I should just throw that old dead thing away. I pointed out that it was still green, that she would bloom again come spring. The very heavy travels of the last two weeks took their toll. Maybe it was lack of water, maybe it was old age, perhaps the plant missed the soothing melody of my voice, but I think the Petunia has died. I tried doses of glorious water, a little fertilizer to no avail -- no form of life support has brought color to the brown lifeless stem. I think I will have to pull the plug. Goodbye old friend.

Fjfngjeitlbkshyspg

Wm,bmfghryufmgljalo, nhduhjfhf jfjfj hyythfodo';kldjjjar.

hshjtle;j999ehfn'jd'psdjasdj
sjgkgkigdsp
kfkfk
kkskprptirqj


hahahaha

You title the story

As I waited in construction traffic yesterday at the I -65 to I -80 west ramp I looked around me. The sky to the North was an impossibly perfect shade of blue. It was the blue you see in your mind when you close your eyes and remember the carefree days of childhood summer. Not a cloud marred the sky over the distant lake. You know which lake.

Not so long ago as you neared this part of NW Indiana near Gary the sky would have a faint yellow tinge. The air would smell of chemicals and the rotten egg odor of sulfur from the refineries and steel mills.

I rember the trips we made in the early 1970s to visit my only aunt and uncle in Western Illinois. The stretch from Gary to the Illinois line was a time of misery, of watering eyes, of choking smells. Those of you who lived and worked in Hammond, Whiting, Gary, or Griffith probably did not notice the air like a traveler from a Central Indiana farm town.

Today the air is clean and fine. Is this a function of environmental awareness or the decline of the US steel industry?

Missed opportunities

Sometimes I wish I had a camera implanted in my head so you could see the things I see in my travels.

For instance, today while traveling northbound on the recently completed Intetstate 355 (North/South Tollway) I passed a car in the right lane. The car was going maybe 50 mph. It was a 1970s era Cadillac. Emblazoned across the rear window was the phrase " ELVIS LIVES".

Not only would I have loved to take tha picture, I would like to spend an hour in conversation with the driver. That, my friends, is the faith of a true fanatic.

Wednesday Wanderings

Not blogging last week was kind of nice. You have no idea how close I came to just walking away from this hobby obsession. I felt no compulsion to post, at no time was I plotting and writing entries in my head. Then yesterday it all seemed natural again. One post late Monday followed by two on Tuesday. Here we are on Wednesday and again I have nothing -- so far. Where does that leave us? Writing and reading blogs has started to take up hours rather than minutes in my life. As we move into the summer months indulge me if I post a little less often and visit your blogs a little less frequently.

The good news is I tried this before and became more prolific than ever. You never know...

We are Family

I try hard to protect my anonymity. On the other hand I enjoy seeing pictures of other bloggers and their families. It makes them real. It makes me know them a just a little beyond the electronic world we all inhabit. I have posted a few pictures of me in the past. Here is one of my wife, daughter and youngest son (the oldest boy is at college and was not with us). The little one, as you can see is not so little any more. He is now taller than his sister and his mom. Excuse the quality, it was taken with the camera phone. View it while you can.

Big Oil sucks, vote Obama

Every time I fill up the vehicle I cringe at the prices at the gas pump. I detailed the reason for the escalating gas prices about a month ago. When I see the profits of the oil companies for a moment I am upset. But if you look at the profits as a percentage of sales, rather than a raw number, the profit levels are not out of line compared to other major companies. Also, remember that the local, state, and Federal Governments all tax your gas as a percentage. This means the higher the price -- the higher the tax. Depending where you live, the price of a gallon of gas is increased by 30% or more because of taxes. Why are there no protests and outrage at the tax windfall for the Government?

If you are really appalled at the profits of the oil companies you should try and get a little back. Invest in Exxon or BP, get a little dividend, reclaim your share of the price at the pump. In fact, if you have a 401K -- you probably are benefiting from the big profits. Perhaps you would rather NO company made any money? That would be a disaster for your planned retirement.

Obama tells me approximately every 15 minutes he is going to put a windfall tax on Big Oil. Even the ghost of Richard Nixon and price controls thinks that is a bad idea. Punish Big Oil, make them pay, control the price at the pump. That will get those effers. Do you really think ANY company pays taxes? They are in business to make a profit and they will pass that tax on to you me and our neighbors. Read Obama's website. He is going to force us to drive smaller cars, he is going to make the auto companies build more fuel efficient cars, he is going to make them convert to a more green automobile. And the Government is going to help pay for it! Yay! Government pays.

Well folks, just like I tried to explain to a city councilman some time ago when he wanted to build a new bridge, I do not think we need it and I do not want to pay for it. He told me we only have to pay 20% of the cost, the Feds will pay the rest! Guess which party he belonged to? I tried to patiently explain that the Federal Government (or State or local) does nothing to produce revenue -- they take it from those who do produce like me and you. I will be paying for the bridge. He gave me a look like I was just too dumb, and walked away.

Anyway, Obama wants to get the Government involved and add a bunch of new regulations, but he does not mention the best way to gain independence from foreign oil producers. That is to drill our own oil reserves in Alaska and off the coasts of Florida and Texas. You see, the Cubans and the Chinese are drilling there. But to appease the Greenies we are letting someone else take oil just off our shores.

Really, if you think this guy would make a good President, you should go to his web site and get edumacated. If you think the economy sucks now, wait until he implements his policies.

Ok, already

I went to the store to get some rolls and cheese. Mac and Cheese goes perfect with ham loaf. I threw the groceries in the back seat and buckled in. I looked out the side window and there was a big old yellow jacket perched on the mirror. He was looking in the window at me with that pissed-off look bees usually have. I pulled out of the parking space and the bee stung the mirror. As I pulled out on the street, he manoeuvred himself so he was facing the wind. At twenty he was hanging tough, I imagined his little bee tongue was hanging out lapping the breeze like a hound dog in a pickup truck. At thirty his wings were fluttering and I am sure he was imagining the tales of the speed he 'flew'. In his little bee mind he was already scoring with the ladies. At forty he fell off. C'est la vie.

The boy made it back from DC, he had a great time. He could not get the digital camera to work, but he did take about 250 pictures and a couple of videos on his camera phone. He went swimming over the weekend. He took his best friends with him -- his iPod and his cell phone. Why he put them in the pocket of his swim trunks is a mystery only understood by a teenager (one of his best buddies ruined his cell phone also by going into the Atlantic with the phone in his pocket). Did I mention ALL of his Washington pictures were on his phone? I used the hair dryer on them and left both sitting for a few days. The iPod actually works, but there is no longer a back light. The phone just makes a humming noise. I think it is shot. We have a couple of upgrades coming, so we can replace the phone free. But if anyone knows how to recover the pictures please let me know in the comments. The pictures were saved to the phone, not the sim card. He is pretty upset the pictures may be lost.

I did not go too ballistic, he is usually pretty responsible. Even as a little kid he took very good care of his toys. He did not break them or abuse them. He must have got that from his mother. I was not very good to my toys. Tonka trucks indestructible -- Ha, Otter and I would laugh as pieces fell to the curb. We would stage elaborate wrecks and pile ups with our Hot Wheels. We would beat them with hammers and soak them in lighter fluid or gas for that special effect. Too bad there was no video, our 'crashes' were special.

so sorry

No time. No desire. No ideas. no posts.

Let me be your personal banker

Sunday evening I went to the ATM to withdraw some cash. I put in my pin and selected the amount. The mahine made its whirring noise and began to count cash. After a bit it told me my transaction was denied. I was not sure if I had asked for more than my daily limit or if there was a problem with the machine, so when it askedif I wanted another transaction, I asked for a smaller amount. I was notified the machine could not dispense cash at that time. No problem, these things happen. Later that evening the wife was checking the balance and my account was debited the $500 anyway! After a couple of phone calls we got this cleaned up on Monday.

Fast forward to Tuesday evening. I am in a strange city traveling. I still have to get some cash. I go to the ATM and request $200. Click whir and one twenty comes out. A few seconds later two more are dispensed. Another appears followed by lots of machine noises That is it.The machine flashes 'out of order'. Great, I am in a strange city at an ATM that is not my bank and it only gave me part of my cash. How often do they balance the ATMs in a hotel lobby?

Fortunately, the receipt stated I only received $80. I bet you could hear my sigh of relief. I do not think I will use the ATM again for a while.

Super Tuesday

I hope your Monday went fine. Mine was OK. It looks as if the leaders of the Dimocrit Party are leaning on the Hildebeast to drop out and back B Hussein Obama. That will never happen. She thinks she can go to the convention and strongarm the delegates into voting for her. The good news is this protracted fight means both Obama and Clinton have to spend their war chests fighting each other. That means less money to fight McCain. The bad news is that means I have had to see at least one Clinton pollute the state of Indiana with their presence amost every day. And we have been inflicted with commercials as well from both candidates.

Usually the Indiana primary is held so late (May) that it is of no consequence. Coupled with our relatively small Electoral Vote, we are just ignored by the candidates. Not this year.

Weekend Funny

Here kitty, kitty...Look what we found..Aren't they cute?...Can we keep 'em...Please, please, puhleeeeeze?...Daddy?...Are you all tight?...Mommy, Daddy fell over again just like he does when he drinks his beer...

What is up with my brain? I cannot wake up on weekdays, yet every weekend my eyes pop open at an unGodly hour. Ok, I admit it -- I crack me up. I guess most of you did not find the T-shirt thing very funny. You have no idea how long it took to find the celebrity pictures. Oh, well, I entertained me, and that is what it is all about. I bet you thought I was supposed to be all about making Your day better. You have not been reading here long, huh?

A ton of travel is on the schedule for this week. Posting may be spotty. There will be a big, and I mean Huge, very special post here tomorrow. It would be best if you click on this website early and often. You do not want to miss out. A clikee every seven minutes or so would be about right.

I though my coffee maker was dying yesterday. It worked fine today though. The sky has a steel gray light this morning. I suspect we are in for a day of rain. The yard is soaked and the creeks and streams are already swollen from the heavy rains last week. If it keeps it up I will have to mow the lawn in early April. We have some of those giant decorative grasses. My Mom says I need to cut them back. How far? Do I just cut the tall part of the whole thing? How do I cut it? Will hedge trimmers work? Look at that: three separate ideas in one little paragraph. A clear example of poor writing and the dysfunctional ramblings of my brain. I am sorry to say a conversation with me is about as random. I think I am losing it.

The boy is off to DC tomorrow. We have to leave for the airport a little before four in the morning. After that I have a long day of driving in front of me. I probably should try to go to bed early this evening. That means I will have to skip my Sunday afternoon nap. Man, the sacrifices I make for my kids.

Here is a random fact about me -- I blog on a black, wooden chair. That means after a couple hours of reading your blogs, my ass gets tired of sitting. I guess that means your blogs are all a big pain in the ass! Hah! I crack me up, really I do.

Friday I watched The Song Remains the Same The Led Zeppelin movie chronicling their 1970's era concert in New York. The movie is interspersed with fantasy scenes. That is one band I would have liked to seen back in the day. I am sure a lot is lost in the transition to video, but wow. I first saw this flick back in the 1980's on VHS. The kids bought me the remastered version on DVD for Christmas. I will let you borrow it, just let me know. You have to send me a picture in a plain white T-shirt though. Yep, like a bulldog, I let nothing go. I know one other thing, this whole post stinks. Look back at the top -- life is a full circle, baby.

The Hoosierboy Army

Here is a famous Hoosier who could not wait to get his Fat in Indiana T-shirt. He wears it with pride:

This guy insisted he wear his in a movie. Watch for him to give fellow members of the Hoosierboy Army the high sign early in the third act:

These famous actresses are often seen sporting the sexy HB Honey Tank Top:

This hot Hollywood couple is seen wearing the Top Selling HB Signature Formal Shirt for her and the classic Fat in Indiana Tee for Men in this picture:

Have you ordered yours? All the cool people are wearing it!

I am so excited

I have decided to take this old blog to a new level. I have developed a semi-devoted following and in order to get my readership levels higher I need to do some advertising. In that spirit, I have introduced a new line of Fat in Indiana T Shirts. I know you will be proud to wear a shirt that proclaims to the world, I read Hoosierboy! Be the first on your block, in your school, at WalMart to be part of the Hoosierboy Army. What is really cool is you do not need to go to some fly-by-night dot com or hit a paypal button to get these shirts. I promise to make them available right in your town!

In keeping with my sooper sekrit identity, these shirts proclaim your allegiance to this site, while keeping our anonymity. Hoosierboy T-shirts will be hiding in plain sight. You will know when you see a fellow HBer, you will be in your own secret, mucho-exclusive club. A subtle nod, wave or high sign will seal the unspoken pact -- I read Fat in Indiana.

Here is the Men's version:

It is also available in the popular V-Neck:Ladies, I have not forgotten about you:

Maybe you prefer a Tank top shirt for summer wear:
And finally, I know some of you hot ladies have a secret crush on the old Hoosierboy. What better way to live out your fantasies than by putting my clothing line right on your most erotic girl parts. Just for you, there is a line of Fat in Indiana undies. These are emblazoned with the same super secret non-viewable image found on our T-Shirts. You can sleep with your man, and HB at the same time! Your love life will never be the same:

This exclusive line of clothing can be found at WalMart, K-Mart, Walgreens or at most major department stores. I can also ship direct, Just send $29.95 (cash only) to me and I will ship a preworn, autographed shirt to you.

Do not miss out. Order now, supplies may be limited. Hurry, if you buy in the next week or two a special three pack can be yours.

Support the Hoosierboy, order now!

As a special bonus, send me a picture wearing your Fat in Indiana T-shirt and I will post it. You are part of the Hoosierboy Army!

For Sieg

1602

I wish I had something to say today. I have no anecdotes, stories, opinions, rants, lies or bullshit to fling in your direction. Some of you may think that a good thing. I have one last picture/cartoon for weekend funnies. I think it is the best of all. Should I go ahead and publish it?

Preparations

No, not the H kind.

The boy is getting ready for a school trip to DC next week. I have to have him at the airport by 4:45 in the am Monday. He will hit the sights of the Nation's Capital and return Wednesday evening. Arlington, Mount Vernon, the White House, the Mall, the Capitol, the Pentagon, the Smithsonian, and a dinner cruise along the Potomac are all on tap. The cherry trees might even be in bloom if the weather warms a bit. He is excited about the trip. He will be bummed when he returns and realizes he spent half of his spring break actually learning something. Education and knowledge sometimes sneaks right up on you when you least expect it.

I know he will be safe, but a little prayer that the terrorist stay away next week might be in order. That very idea is a sad commentary on the world of today, isn't it?

Say it ain't so...

I am low today. My faith in humanity is crushed. I will no longer trust in anyone.

Read this.

I am shocked. Words cannot express my complete dismay to find out a Clinton lied about something. I had so much respect for the entire family prior to this. What next, will we discover Bill cheated on her?

I going to hide my belts and shoelaces. I am officially on suicide watch...

Imagine

Let us envision a scenario where the current economic fuzziness continues down the path of a true recession. The dollar keeps dropping, inflation slices through the marketplace on the back of rising oil and food prices, and consumers lose confidence. As factory orders drop, layoffs hit the local factories. Unemployment surges to levels we have seen in this country for a generation. What if 6,8,10% unemployment hits your community?

What if you were a young American struggling to provide for your family and the local parts plant begins a series of layoffs? The plant does the right thing, laying of the newly hired first. What if you were out of work and the next guy on the line who had been there a month or a year longer kept his job? What if the still employed worker was an illegal alien, or maybe just working on a green card?

I am thinking the beatings the old-time Steelworkers put on scabs at the Homestead Strike could be mild in comparison.

I am certainly not advocating such recourse, merely pointing out that I have spent my life around manufacturing and I could see such things happening.

Weekend Funny

Probably not appropriate for Easter.

Weekend Funny

Insanity

Lately I have taken great delight in totally fucking with the minds of strangers. I will see a person at places like the grocery, the library, the video store or WalMart and I will give them a wave or greet them with a hearty "Hey, how are you"? It puts them in an uncomfortable position of having to acknowledge me. Of course the stranger has no more idea of my identity than I theirs. They spend the next several minutes trying to figure out who I am and how they know me. I did this several times on my trips last week. There is a nice old lady in Davenport, Iowa still trying to identify the middle aged guy at the steak place. I left a guy dumbfounded at the library last night.

What is amusing is that 99 times out of 100 the stranger will greet me back. Many times they have a confused look on their face, but they offer a cheerful "What's going on" or "Hi" or at least a nod.

At this stage in my life I have to look for thrills where I can get them. By the way, How's it goin'?

One April Morning

He opened his eyes and for a moment and did not know where he was. It was the grey twilight of predawn. The dew was heavy and there was a thin veil of fog drifting from the river. He heard the snap of twigs and the hard breath as someone blew on the previous nights embers. A few more huffs and he heard the pop of the wood as the fire caught hold of the kindling.

He rolled from his blanket and made his way through the thick underbrush behind the camp. He unbuttoned his fly and relieved himself. He pulled up his suspenders and buttoned the top button of his shirt. As he walked to the fires he picked up a few sticks for fuel. He stopped at his blankets and pulled on his jacket and wide brimmed hat. He shivered a little as the eastern sky grew pink. Jacob Hoffert offered a prayer of thanks for the new day.

Steeling himself, he reached for his haversack and moved toward the nearest fire. He saw Jonathon there. Jonathan was the last of his original mess. His pard Isaac had gotten bronchitis and was left behind 12 days ago. Seth had simply disappeared. Along with Jonathan, the four had been childhood friends back home. Jonathan had always been kind of a bully, teasing him about his size. As Jacob approached Jonathan said something to the man across the fire. The man turned to look at Jacob and rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. Jacob dropped the armful of wood next to the fire. "Watch it runt" said William Hazlett, who was even bigger than Jonathan. As Jacob squatted next to the fire the wind changed, blowing the smoke from the green wood into his face. Jacob tipped his canteen into the lidded coffee boiler and set it near the flames. Matthew Walker joined the others around the fire. He stirred the embers and knocked a large piece of wood into Jacob's mug, knocking it over. "Hoffert, you are just a Jonas" Walker said, shaking his head.

Jacob reached deep into his haversack and found a cotton poke. In it was a handful of coffee beans he had roasted the previous evening. He had taken the beans and placed them in his rubber blanket, then pounded them into rough grounds with his rifle butt. He righted his cup, added some more of his precious water and dropped in a scant handful of coffee. Jacob noticed the others' envious looks and reluctantly offered the bag. He knew these men, who treated him so badly, would not hesitate to use his whole stash. When the poke was returned, only a thumbwidth of coffee remained in the bottom of the bag.

Walker placed a skillet on the embers and began slicing some salt pork. Jonathon was breaking hard tack into pieces to fry in the grease of the pork. In the distance they heard the sentries fire off the charges from the night before. A few more shots sounded up and down the line. They all looked toward the Southwest as a few shouts were heard, but the call was too far off to make out the words. Motion and more shouts were moving up the line as the firing began to grow heavier than merely the pickets clearing their Springfield rifles. The firing grew into a steady roar as the sound of the long roll was heard. More and more drums took up the call. The soldiers snatched up their accoutrements as their own drummer beat his skins. The officers echoed the shout of "Fall In" as the men raced to the stacked arms, breakfast forgotten.

The bullets began to crash through the branches as the men fell into a rough line before the stacked muskets. "Take arms" was followed by a hasty "load" as the shouts and shots of the Rebel soldiers became clear to their right and front. At the far left of the line --the 'short' end -- Jacob felt the First Sergeant at the left end of K Company move in line next to him. Everyone was loading in haste as the men in butternut erupted from the treeline 30 yards away. They stopped in a rough line and fired a volley. Half of Jacob's own C Company and all of K Company turned and ran. Jacob hastily brought his rifle to full cock and fired a shot without aiming. He turned and ran towards the ridge behind him. The hungry Southerners stopped to loot the camp and pluck the burning bacon from the fire.

The company reformed and fell back to the treeline. A clearing was before them. The armies stood toe to toe, the shots buzzing through the trees and undergrowth like a swarm of hornets around their nest. Jacob fired. His shoulder ached and his face and mouth were black from the powder as he bit into the cartridges. Constant curses and shouts of "dress center" and "close up" came from behind him with numbing regularity as his comrades bled and died in the line. After a few hours there was a lull in the fighting. The shots and killing did not stop, it just became less heavy. Ammunition was brought forward and Jacob took a drink from the brackish water in his nearly-empty canteen. He could see the Rebels rolling artillery into place across the clearing. The sound of battle was so loud he was nearly deaf. He heard a thump like a dropped melon and saw Matthew Walker's head explode in a red mist.

Suddenly the late morning was split with a mass barrage of cannon shot and shell. Branches fell from overhead killing the lieutenant. Pieces of wood flew from the trees as parts of bodies erupted in fountains of blood. The smoke hid the carnage as Jacob Hoffert loaded and fired, loaded and fired. The big guns spurted flame as if the gates of Hell were opening, men died calling for their mother and a few crawled to the rear and hopeful safety. With a blood curdling yell a wave of men in grey and butternut uniforms erupted from among the canon. With bayonets fixed they charged the Union line in the treeline. Jacob Hoffert felt a stinging blow across his side as he was grazed by a musket ball. He did not notice the blood crusting his head from a falling chunk of wood, blasted down by the case shot of the Confederate guns.

The line fell back again. This time to the river. A short heavy officer with a dark beard directed him into line with other troops he did not know. Units were mixed, makeshift regiments formed from individual companies and soldiers. Jacob was hungry and thirsty. As darkness fell, the firing to the front slowed and finally ceased. He fell into a restless sleep born from exhaustion. Suddenly the night sky blazed in red as the gunboats in the river began firing on the Confederate lines.

A body dropped down beside him, it was Jonathan. "God, I am glad to see you" Jonathan said. "I thought we were all gonners". Jacob Hoffert could only nod his head in the dark. He hurt all over and the pain in his skull only seem to intensify the burning crease on his side. Jonathan handed him a damp piece of hardtack. It had a bitter taste, from mud or blood, he did not want to know.

"What happened?" he asked his childhood friend. "The Rebs were supposed to be in Corinth."

"I guess they was here instead. They must of not got the message". deadpanned Jonathan.

"And where is here?" Jacob spoke the words so softly he was barely heard.

"Well the sign on that little white church back by camp said Shiloh Meeting House. I guess that is where we is". Jonathan looked at his scrawny friend, sighed and rolled his eyes.

Happy Spring

It is 12:05 am, the first day of spring. Friday is a Holiday, so I might just knock off early today. I already know what I will be having for dinner -- beef and noodles, my most favorite meal ever. The wife has promised to make a chocolate cake. I deserve it.

It is my Birthday. 46...I don't mind saying. I never thought I would make 25.