Now back to what you really like

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. “Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.

“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”

“Why not?” demanded Jenny.

“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”

Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”

“Why not?” demanded Jenny.

“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”

“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”

“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.” “Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”

Jenny replied, “Because you got an F in sex!”

Soldats! Je suis content de vous

The French were outnumbered on the day of the battle.

Napoleon used that to his advantage. He occupied the heights of Pratzen and his right flank was anchored on the road to Vienna.

Tsar Alexander I of Russia and Emperor Francis of Austria wanted to attack immediately. The Austrians had been humiliated for almost a decade by Bonaparte, dating to his victories in Italy. He had just forced them into a humiliating defeat at Ulm and captured Vienna a few months previous.

Napoleon had 72,000 men and 157 canon, the Allies about `85,000 men and nearly twice the artillery -- 318 guns.

The French weakened their right flank opening the road south toward Vienna and fell back from the top of the ridge in apparent retreat in the face of the Allies' strength. At the insistence of the Russian and Austrian nobles, the Allies attacked toward the clear weak spot on the right of the French line.

It was December 1, 1805. Bonaparte had baited the trap. He told his Generals that "if the Russians leave the Pratzen Heights to attack the right flank, they are defeated".

The Russians and Austrians launched a massive attack on the weakened French Right. Napoleon had ordered Davout's III Corp to force march from Vienna to shore up the right flank in anticipation of the battle. Arriving just in time after a forced march of 68 miles in 48 hours,

As the battle raged on the southern end of the battlefield, the Tsar believed one last thrust would settle the matter. He called the Russian IV Corp from the Pratzen Heights to help crush the French resistance. This is the rash act Napoleon had waited for.  Marshall Soult with 16,000 hardened veterans struck hard at the unsuspecting Allied Center. Bonaparte told Soult "One sharp blow and the war is over". The French also launched into the Austrian and Russian left flank.

Fighting raged from about 7:30 AM through 4:00 PM. Combined French infantry and cavalry finally rolled up the Russian right and center. Napoleon then sent these forces on a two pronged attack to support his beleaguered right flank.

General panic struck the Allied army and it abandoned the field in a full rout.

Casualties were enormous. The Allies lost about 36,000 from an army of 82,000 (killed, wounded, missing, and captured). The French lost about 9,000. The French captured 180 guns.

Tsar Alexander was quoted saying "We are babes in the hands of a giant".

The Austrians and Russians signed the treaty of Pressburg on December 27. The French controlled nearly the entire mainland European Continent. The Holy Roman Empire was ended after nearly 1,000 years.

Austerlitz is arguably Napoleon's greatest victory.

A matter of priorities

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $2,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting a new kitchen.”

Mystery Sunday

In the background Otis is on the dock wasting time. I'm leaning back in my desk chair, feet propped on the corner of the desk. My ancient iPad is propped on my belly. A mug of hot coffee is just in reach of left hand. I pause and wonder "just what the heck is a real estate novelist anyway"?

Hitchhiking on Memory Lane

I moseyed out to the little garden to give the plants a big drink before the heat really cranks up this morning. I brought in one little tomato. I planted late so I should not be surprised the fruit is slow to ripen.

I got along pretty well baby sitting yesterday. There was a bout forty minutes of crying, but the baby was asleep.

Nope, I'm not above a cheap joke.

I was reading old stuff from my archives the other day. I was hunting something, OK? Anyway, guess what? It was hot in past Julys too!

Think on this, in February the wind chill was -25F. Yesterday, the heat index was 105F. If my history major math is correct...carry the one...that is a 130 swing in temperature in just a few months. I've said it before, Man's adaptability is amazing. That is just one reason why we are the top predator. We can hunt our food , grow our food, eat nearly anything, survive extreme heat and cold, live in environments as diverse as swamps and tundra. And we are smart enough to invent furnaces and air conditioners.

Sorry, animals will have equal rights when they invent agriculture.

I digress. From what, I am not sure.

We are off to our friends' to sit in the pool sipping beer and smoking fine hand-rolled stogies this afternoon. Well that is what I will be doing. The wife will gossip. Everyone will relax and have some great laughs.

Ain't that what life is about?

I may have some short term problems, but the Good Lord has blessed me in so many ways.

I hope you have a great Saturday.

Even my jalapeño peppers think its too hot

It is hot. I bet it is at your house too.

I'm babysitting later today. As in the grand baby. The wife is taking our granddaughter to the pool to join with a thousand other people looking to cool off. I will take care of the baby. Inside. Where it is air conditioned. It should be fun. The baby doesn't like me much. She starts crying within a couple of minutes when I pick her up.

She must be a liberal. She is around me two minutes and starts whining and crying.

Badda boomp.

Seriously, unless I am feeding her, she cries when I pick her up. Either she will get used to me or it will be a long afternoon for both of us. We will just cry until we fall asleep. I don't know who will take care of the baby after that happens...

I know, you didn't come here for this drivel. You want jokes. You want Friday Music.

Sure you do.

Honest, I know these things

A nice summer tune.

Have a great Friday

Places I would rather be

Author Photo

Posted in the evening ‘cause it might not be safe for work

A manager of a failing branch of one company has to lay off one of his top paid employees to cut cost. As he is analyzing the recent annual reviews, he is realizing that it comes down to his two favorites, Mary and Jack. He spends hours looking back at the last five years these two have worked on his team. Both were hired the same month, have identical education and work experience. They are also both crucial to his team. It’s an incredibly tough decision to make and he decides that, if he can’t make it by the time he goes to bed, he will have to fire the first one he sees at the water cooler the next morning.

He is at the office bright and early, after a sleepless night, when he sees Mary walk into the office with bags under her eyes, hair in disarray and heading straight for the water cooler.

He meets her there and while she is filling her cup with water, he says sadly: “I have really bad news, I have to lay you or Jack off.”

Mary, looking at him through the slits in her eyes, takes a big gulp of water and says: “I am afraid you will have to jack off. I have a terrible hangover.”

Last week

From my daughters back porch 

I have enough sunset pics to make it a regular feature.

I dig sunset and sunrise

Maybe Barry can wash the car too

Barry is stopping by for a few days to leave a little wet spot on the streets and rapidly-browning front yards. It is OK, despite the very wet and long-lingering spring, it has been very dry and summer-like of late. Frankly I'm tired of watering the garden and flowers. Barry can do it for a day or three.

The "America is great, let's change everything about it" crowd is still in hysterics about Trump. The thing is, Donald could start parroting their political positions and the leftists would have issues with his stance. They hate him that much. We were supposed to be in a leftward trajectory forever after Obama. A bunch of rednecks went and ruined everything.

What do I know? Perhaps higher taxes, open borders and free stuff for everyone not a racist old white guy is a winning formula. On the other hand the Gracci begat the Empire, so you just never know. Say, how is your 401K doing?

We are not even pretending you can keep your plan if you like it

The granddaughter arrived this morning in ao great mood. At her insistence we moseyed out to look at her garden. We picked the second ripe tomato of the season. Like the first, it is a bit puny. Somewhere between a golf ball anda handball, it will get us about enough for a small sandwhich. I don't care. I love fresh garden 'maters. I have already harvested a half dozen jalapeños.  A couple of green peppers are growing and we will have dozens of cucumbers.

When oh when will the mythical "they" take away Trump's twitter account. Why hadn't he figured out the press will twist anything he writes to make him look bad.

When we were birthing kids, I took every name my wife liked and told her how the kids would abuse it on the playground--Nick the Dick, etc. Someone needs to do that with every tweet the Trumpster spits out. How can these words be used to make the President look bad?  Admittedly, the Orange One does not need much help to make his tweeter feed reflect badly.

I'm still trying to follow the Democrat logic with their absolute hysterics over the weekend ICE raids. The people targeted were illegals who have ACTIVE DEPORTATION ORDERS. This is not Jose here to make his family a better life by working at Subway or stapling shingles on a roof. These are people who had their day in court and were ordered to leave the country by a real judge in a real courtroom with attorneys provided by you and I. "Criminals" I think is the correct technical term.

Is fighting for criminals and open borders a winning issue for 2020?

Decisions, decisions

I will have the house to myself today.  The wife is heading off with our daughter and grandkids to have lunch with the female side of the wife's family. I'm not sure what I will do while they are in Purdueville. There is plenty I should do, like yard work, cleaning, or washing the car, for instance. There will also be be a ball game on. That Jack Reacher book needs to be read. Will I regret it if I skip that nap?  If you let those Zs get away you never get them back, it is a known fact. I could even take a walk or enjoy a cigar. Those last activities are better later in the evening as the heat of the day dissipates. I could go to a museum or walk in one of the wooded parks in the area. I could motor down to SoBro and see the boy's new place.  I could go to the store and get something for supper.

Yeah, the Cubs and a nap seem about right. Who knows, without my butt parked on it the couch might float away in a strange anti-gravity phenomenon. We must avoid that at all costs.

Words, lots of words.

It looks to be a great summer day here in central Indiana. Hot, not as humid as a few days ago.

I might have mentioned we converted my office into a room for the oldest granddaughter. The spare bedroom in the front of the house now has become a sort of all-purpose room. It has my desk but also a twin bed and a tv. I have never had a tv in my office. In two decades of working alone, I have eschewed the lure of a television. I have a "radio" I sometimes listen to, currently an Echo Dot.  The new den/office/bedroom has plenty of room. It is much larger than any of the other bedrooms outside of the Master Bedroom. Eventually, it is our intention to replace the old twin bed with a small hide-a-bed couch.

The view is different. The big willow is no longer just outside my window. I now overlook the front yard and the cul-de-sac. I can sit leaning back in my padded leather desk char, feet propped on a corner of my desk and watch the robins and cardinals flit among the branches of the maple in the front yard and tne neighbors heading to work. The old recliner moved in the corner.

You don't care a whit about any of this.

As far as I know we have no plans for the weekend. I think I'll go find an old movie to watch and then take a walk.

Have a great Saturday.

Long and boring, I will likely delete the damn thing ere the day is out

My internet friend Hey Teacher is in the land of pasta. He must be busy clicking to the old blog a few hundred times a day or somehow convinced his entire to tour to check me out: Italy ranks #2 behind the good old US of A in my visit metrics. How strange is that?

In other news...nothing.

I could discuss the weather. You have your own to contend with.

Politics. Nope. I have my opinion. You have yours. Mine are likely correct. Yours are certainly wrong if you disagree with mine. It really is that simple and there is no need to discuss it further.

----no, trust me, you are wrong.

My little garden is growing. I have picked five jalapenos. I picked a little pickle cucumber this morning that was not there two days ago. I have a green pepper that will be big enough by next weekend. I have one tomato that will  ripen by next week.  Dozens of green 'maters on the vines will not be far behind. By the beginning of August I will have tomatoes every day -- cherry, beefsteak, heirloom, and my favorite -- yellow. The dang cucumber is spreading all over the place and will strangle the bell pepper and jalapeno if I am not careful.

Life sucks. If it were not for my granddaughters I could easily just give up.

Fortunately, I was not wired that way.

The company lost a significant customer that comprised 90% of my territory. I guess after 2 years of negotiations the customer determined we were just too hard to work with (the negotiations predated my hire by more than 16 months) and found another supplier. The company decided there was no need for me if there was no business.  Losing 16 million in sales is never a good thing, even if I take no responsibility. Negotiations were being done well above my pay grade and the company did not heed my advise to compromise.

I am again in the market for a job. The margin for error is low this time.  I need something quick, fast, right now. At my ridiculously high previous salary.

But yeah, I will take anything in the short term.

Poor Aunt Mildred

My aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be just below your left breast’.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Stopping on Red

A man was driving down the road when the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming curses in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Choose Life” license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

Relationship Advice

A woman asks her friend for advice on how to get her hubby interested again. Friend says, “Tonight meet him as he comes home dressed in saran wrap.” Woman does this and husband says “Damn, leftovers again.”

Why not?

In the  pantheon of great bands that comprised the British Invasion, the Kinks do not get their due.

Just the facts, Ma'am

The most recent WSJ poll has The Trumpster's approval rating at 47%. In spite of the constant barrage of negativity from the media. It seems Americans mostly like the Administrations policies.

Say, what was Obama's approval rating at this point in his first term?

In other news, while flipping through tne channels last night I learned there is a professional corn hole league. Stranger yet, the matches are televised.

Sure, I watched for a bit.

I switched a John Wayne movie during a commercial and never went back.

A day in the life

What a day yesterday. Hot and humid and busy. I woke early, brewed some coffee and futzed around on the interwebz. I watched a couple of old movies on the TV.

The clogged back gutters have needed cleaning out for months. The only problem is they are 25 or 30 above the ground. I tried to clamber over the roof from the front porch to the garage to the other side, but the roof is just too steep as I discovered while sliding down from the peak. I have a nice skin tear on the palm of my left hand to prove it.

I did what I should have: I borrowed my neighbor's ladder. Nasty muck was about an inch thick lining the entire gutter. By the time I was done I was drained. Temps were in he low 90s. The humidity was at 100% and my jeans and T-shirt were soaked with sweat and gutter gunk. I sprayed off the patio and ladder where the nasty crud dripped.

The evening wrapped with a block party. All of the neighbors pitched in for a dinner and settled in to watch an awesome fireworks display. We are not talking sparklers and fountains here, my neighbor sets off stuff just short of what communities and towns launch.

It was nice hanging out and talking with the neighbors. We met some new people and got to know some folks better. This is the best neighborhood we have ever lived. It harkens me to my youth in the sixties, where you knew everyone on the block.

A hot summer night. Cold beer. Good conversation. Lightening hugs winking as fireworks paint the night sky in exploding colors. Life is good.

The show over, the neighbors grabbed brooms and shovels to clean up the mess in the cul-de-sac. It is what neighbors do.

Dear Nike, another viewpoint

Your SJW stance may go over great with the Woke-types out in the greater metro-Portland area and the Left West Coast in general. The problem is I have yet to see an Antifa thug sporting a swoosh across his mask as he's beating reporters and smashing windows.

It is out here in flyover country and the suburbs your anti-American stance is not so well received. When you have lost my wife, one of the most apolitical people ever, you have a problem.

But then maybe I get it after all. Your America sucks message will certainly resonate with your Chinese suppliers and help you gain market share against rivals Adidas and Reebok with the Euro-weenies who have long held a Marsha, Marsha, Marsha complex against the upstart and rude Americans.

I'm not a big boycott guy. Nor do I march and protest. It is not my thing. I won't burn any perfectly good shirts. Nor will I throw shoes in the garbage. I already spent that money, getting rid of my stuff hurts you a nonce. I did return that pair of running walking shoes I grabbed on sale at Nordstrom Rack. Rest assured you will get no more of my hard-earned cash. That hurt Nordstrom, not you. But so it goes.

I'm just one old white guy in a little state in the middle of he country. Trust me, I am not alone in my disappointment.  A smart run company would remember that money sees no color, takes no political stance, accepts the cash of any willing consumer. But good for you, Nike, you proved you are Woke. I hope your share holders wake up and dump your stock.

Kaboom

Happy Friday.

I hope you had a great 4th Holiday and enjoyed the crash boom bang of some good fireworks.  We spent tn day at a pool party / cookout. The predicted rainy afternoon failed to materialize. It was a good day to be an American.

There was a seismic shift and resulting earthquake on the west coast.

Too soon?

Enjoy your day.

Happy Independence Day

Lpetit Getty Images

Beef Cadet

The frequent rains and long, long spring have kept us from doing a bunch of the normal yard work. In short, the house looks bad. Since most of my customers are on summer shutdown, I decided to take some time from work this week. Yesterday I hacked up the out of control lilac bushes. They are trimmed and look fairly even, but no one will mistake me for Edward Scissorhands. I set up my little fountain. I weeded a couple of the flower beds.

Lowes has bags of mulch on sale this week, so I will spread some mulch this morning before it starts raining again. Sigh. I am not sighing at the work, but rather the threat of rain every day for the next week. The Glorious Fourth looks increasingly wet, as does the block party scheduled for the cul-de-sac on Saturday. 

Now that my rage has settled, I guess we can admit Kaepernick's kneeling really was not about police brutality or starting a"conversation about race". He really was protesting America and the flag itself. The Castro shirt wasn't an accident nor ignorance. Those of you who supported his actions can kiss my rear too. BTW, those new Nikes I bought last week are heading back to tne store, no matter how comfortable they might be. I have not worn them yet and I'm not going to.

My coffee mug is down to the dregs. Have a great day.

Dear Nike

I have tried really hard not to swear these days. Nike pulling the Bestsy Ross Flag-themed shoes inspires this reaction from me:

Fuck Nike

Fuck Colin Kaepernick

If you disagree, well fuck you too.

If I had a hammer

The defendant was before the judge in court. The judge says “You have been charged with the murder of your wife by smashing her skull with a hammer until she was dead.”

A voice from the back of the court yells “You bastard!!!”

Next the judge says “You have also been charged with the death of your mother-in-law by smashing her skull with a hammer until she was dead.”

Again the voice from the back of the court yells “You’re a bastard!”

The judge looks towards the back of the court and says “If the man in the back can’t control himself I will have to ask him to leave.”

The man replies “I’m sorry judge, but I lived next to that bastard for 20 years and every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer he’d tell me he didn’t have one”

No Pressure

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?” asked the son.

“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best. Just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

Duck quacks don't echo

Hey! It is summer. That means reruns.

June 30, 2011

It would be cool if some bright young genius would find a way to insert a little code into Blogger that would allow me to type with an echo. You know, like the recording of Lou Gehrig when he says "Today...ay...ay...I consider myself..elf..elf..The luckiest man...an..an... alive...

Because today's post would be rife with that cool echo thingy. When I write "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on Earth" I too, like the Iron Man Gehrig, could have that awesome echo.

You see, today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth (OK, just pretend there is the echo thingy). Today is my 27th anniversary. Yep, 27 years. I verified the math on my calculator. The wife and I stood in the Methodist Church back on June 30, 1984 and we mutually pledged to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

Hold on, the Founding Fathers made that pledge. The wife and I pledged our love and marriage.

So far there has been a lot more health than sickness, and the poorer has far outweighed the richer. I will say this, the next time I get married there is going to be some kind of codicil in the vows about nookie. I'm just sayin'.

Seriously, my wife is a saint.  If you think I am irritating and obnoxious around here, you ought to try living with me. I am hard-headed, opinionated and find myself really amusing. There must be some redeeming qualities I fail to recognize when I look in the mirror, because the wife has stuck with me through a lot of thin and a little thick.

Woops, sorry about that. I just realized I forgot to turn off the imaginary echo thingy feature. Anyway, the whole point of this post is to tell you I am a lucky man.

Thinking back on the events of that warm June day in 1984, I have to question my wife's judgment. Not only did she agree to marry me, but she made the groomsmen wear light blue tuxedos. Clearly the woman has some flaws. But in all, I made a much better deal than she did.

I am a lucky man, indeed. But you have to admit I would be bordering on true greatness if I had an echo thingy for my blog. 

Oh, and duck soounds do produce an echo. 


Edit: it is now...ow...ow been 35 years...ears...ears...today

Cruel Summer

Oh, I could have gone with “Hot town summer in the city” as the title instead, but whatever. In any case it seems we will finally have a warm and sunny weekend. I say Woot and Huzzah. Some friends invited us to hang at their pool. It is supposed to be 90+ today so that will be great. It is good to have friends with nice stuff.

In other news, based on the debates, the Dems have gone full commie. If you like your insurance you can’t keep it. Open borders for all and let’s take money from you and me to give the immigrants benefits. Free stuff for everyone. Let’s out Venezuela Venezuela.  Does the Democratic Party realize “Imagine “ is a song, not a political platform? Have they studied history or economics? Have they even read the Constitution they each swore to uphold? I told you they were the modern Jacobins, complete with all the anger.

My Saturday coffee has finished percolating. Yes I’m going old school today. Perhaps a bit of java will mellow me out.

The sun is just creeping to the horizon and the view out the window is that subdued blue gray you see just before sunrise. The birds are already singing in the new day. Yes, I’m up early.

I hope you have a great Saturday. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, I have a special post already canned.

Edit:  I lost my charger for my decrepit iPad I, so I’m blogging from my phone for the past week. For some reason I am unable to comment on this or any other blog (hello Jean!). I’m sure it is 100% user error.

Did I post this before? I can’t remember

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.

There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.

She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000!

The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”. She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.

One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She said: “No.”

The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”

At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”

Problems

Two buddies are at a bar, talking about their problems. “I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.

“That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”

What really happened to Willie Loman

I know why you are here

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”

The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”

A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night.

The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!”

Dred Scott and Plessy v Ferguson were precedent too

I’m sipping coffee while looking out the patio doors before heading to the shower and subsequently work. I have nothing of interest to report this morning.

Nothing new in the statement. It does move the politics down the page.

Have a great Monday

Hi Cynical

Happy Sunday. Sinatra is softly crooning in the background as I compose on the fly. Yes, blog fans, this waste of time is nearly always a stream-of-conscious effort. Outside of jokes, most everything is just my thoughts of the moment -- the politics, the fiction, the mundane. Yes, I know, the incoherence is a dead giveaway.

Let me see if I have the latest political brouhaha and evidence Trump is the Antichrist correct. A woman claims The Trumpster groped her in a department store in the mid-1990s. And she says she would not press charges because of migrant rapes at the border and that she wishes she had asked for Trump's tax returns. Huh?

Yes, that all seems perfectly sane. I'm surprised she didn't claim Brett Kavenaugh was waiting outside the dressing room curtain to grab some sloppy seconds.

Do you think these accusations have anything to do with the book the "victim" has just written?

There is even less evidence in this accusation than he insane child slavery pizza joint nonsense.

TDS is real. Get some help.

This whole thing is so clearly bunk. I can't believe I wasted ten minutes of a beautiful Sunday on it.

How about a palate cleanser?:

Random Saturday

I'm blogging from my front porch this morning. A squirrel sits on hind legs in the neighbor's driveway, alternately scolding me and staring. A cardinal sings in the maple in my front yard. The sky is heavy with cloud, it is only a matter of time before the rain resumes.

I cut the grass last night while there was a brief dry spell.

In my never-ending romp through history I come to many conclusions. George Rogers Clark does not get the credit for being an American hero he deserves. His brother is more well known, but the feats George accomplished in the Revolutionary War are the stuff of legend, and those of us who live in the Midwest have Clark to thank. It is quite possible the Revolutionary War could have ended with the United States borders ending at the Appalacians, if not for Clark.

I have been floating along for some months dabbling in the French Revolution as well. In a comparison that is more than surface deep, I see many parallels with today's Democrat Party. I previously compared the Democrats to the Levellers of 17th Century England and one wing of today's Democrat party still fits that bill.

But the increasingly shrill and militant arm is very akin to the Jacobin Party of Revolutionary France. No, they have not started rounding up their opponents for a trumble ride to the Place de la Revolution for a date with Madame Guillotine, but the efforts to silence anyone they disagree, their economic policies, their general intolerance and self-righteousness is Jacobian to the core. The good news is AOC is no Robespierre nor Danton; she is not that smart. Unfortunately, I see a very sans coulotte-like attitude among many of the twenty-somethings in America.

Holy Crap! I interrupt this "old man get of my lawn" diatribe. I reached down to grab my cup of coffee for a sip and there was a chipmunk sitting next to the cup. I'm not sure who jumped more. He scurried off in a panic leaving behind a small wet spot next to my coffee where he pissed himself in terror. I'm sure he is wondering what I'm doing out here.

I've rambled on enough. Go ahead, look up the Jacobins. Learn something.

No Joke

Literally, no joke today

I did get a haircut today, so I feel better, even if I still will not turn the heads of the ladies.

It is supposed to rain more later. I’m starting to feel like I live in Oregon without the scenery.

I wish I had something of more substance to offer you

I guess I should go back to jokes

Baby Airplanes

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy had been looking out of the window. He turned to his mother and asked,

“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother couldn’t think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” 

The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”

“Well,” said the flight attendant, “you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. “Have your mother explain that to you.”

The truth hurts

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, “What?”

Bad Day

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

Title, I have to remember to put a title

Happy Father’s Day to all you Dads out there.

It continues to rain here at the homestead. I’ve started gathering wood for my ark. Sheesh, I bet we have 2-3 inches of rain since late Friday night.

I think I’m still gonna throw some pork on the smoker late this morning. Let me know if you are coming over. I want to make enough potato salad.

I brew up a pot of coffee in my percolater this morning because why not?

Have a great Sunday

Who knew John Dean was still alive? G Gordon Liddy could still kick his ass

Surprise! It is raining. It will be yet another soggy weekend here in the Hoosierland. It is probably wet at your house too if you live outside of the southwest.

Normally, we have naught scheduled on the weekends. The wife and I could never be considered social butterflies. We are invited to two parties today! The girl across the street is graduating and our best (pretty much only) friends are having a 35th Anniversary party. Our Saturday is booked. Unfortunately both parties are at the same time

The Cubs got hammered again last night by the evil Dodgers. I do enjoy listening to the late ball games when I go to bed

Can anyone tell me what John “Watergate “ Dean had to offer regarding Trump and Russia, Russia, Russia? Dude was a criminal turncoat in the Nixon administration. He was a rat fink who only was redeemed in Democrat eyes because he helped bring down Nixon. He has since made a career going on cable and bashing Republicans. Dean hasn’t been involved in government since I was a little kid, what the hell does he know? Only the Democrats would call someone convicted of Lying to Congress to testify to ...Congress.

What next? Are the Democrats going to bring in an expert on the Tea Pot Dome Affair? Let’s rehash every Republican scandal we can find. Johnson was only saved from  impeachment by one vote, maybe the Senate can get a re-do on that one? WTH we are erasing our past anyway, why not.

Johnson’s crime was a reluctance to really punish the South for Slavery, so it would fit with the current political atmosphere.

Boy this blog is going to be prime evidence when the AOC Democrat thought police get in charge. Don’t believe me? The California Democrats have put a plank in their platform that not all speech should be protected by the First Amendment. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Do I need to explain again that the First Amendment exist to protect the most heinous speech? That is why it exists.

You probably wish I would just stick to posting old jokes.

Have a great Saturday

Friday Funny

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.” “He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”

The cabbie said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Bada boomp

A guy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.

“Excuse me,” said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the guy, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

Indeed

Another cowboy boot joke

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Margaret?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my new BOOTS!!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

Up where the sky is bright

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to the earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window I muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail!

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.

Socrates’ Smelly Socks

I had every intention of firing up the smoker today. It looks like the weather refuses to cooperate. In a surprising weekend twist it is raining. Sure, I can BBQ in the rain, but the smoker has to work harder. Plus, I don’t want to go out in the downpour to tend to it —adding wood, adjusting the smoke, etc.

Beyond that, I have nothing of interest to report.

How about one of my favorite tunes to mellow your Sunday?

Have a great day

Another completed loop through the heavens

Today is my lovely wife’s birthday she will be ... do you think I’m stupid? Don’t answer that. Do you think I’m so stupid as to spread her age all over the interwebz?  We had a moderate steak dinner last night for an early birthday dinner and I’m headed off to grab some donuts after I finish this post. The oldest granddaughter has s dance recital this evening so we needed to celebrate a day early. Watching four year olds dance is like watching goats attempting synchronized swimming. I know from experience it will be semi-organized chaos.

It looks like Trump’s tariff threat to Mexico worked. Mexico claims it will try to reduce the tide of illegals. I was wrong.

Like a lot of stuff Trump does, I don’t like the style but love the results. I agree with the vast majority of the administration’s policies.

It looks like another rainy weekend. It seems to always rain on the wife’s birthday

Picture gone

These boots were made for walkin

A lady went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him $200. Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

“Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

Why can’t we just get along?

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,”I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the Green Beret, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret’s boot and spit in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Green Beret asked. “This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?”

The Race

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!”

A tax is a tax no matter what you call it

Happy Saturday. It seems to be a fine day, albeit a bit cool. It will rain later. Of course it will.

The kitchen sink has developed a drip. Since the ground floor is open - the family room and kitchen are not separated by walls - I can hear the drip drip drip 💧 every few minutes. It looks like some plumbing is in my very near future.  Hooray for me.

In other news, nada. Things are boring. I could complain about stuff but who wants to read that?

To delve just a bit into politics, you do understand that the shipping country doesn’t pay a tariff? These import taxes on Chinese and now Mexican goods are not levied on the producing country. The tariff is paid when the goods enter the States. That means you and I are paying them through higher prices. The one proposed for Mexico will hurt right at the grocery store. Where do you think that early spring produce comes from?

Why do you think the Bostonians heaved that tea off the ships into the harbor? Because the tax was due if it came through customs. That is what customs is — tax collection. Border Control is a different function.

I know I’m in a minority in opposing these tariffs over here on the right. Maybe I should work for an American company and it won’t matter so much? Unfortunately I have spent my life selling parts for vehicles of all sorts, from ag to construction to forklift to big truck to autos and there is not one of those without an international presence. If you think a tariff will result in factories springing up in the heartland in the next few months you are spending too much time down at the local head shop. It doesn’t work that way.

The same politicians want more union jobs will throw so many roadblocks, regulations, and permits to actually build a factory that it takes years to get a new venture up and running. Oh, then the union does everything possible to keep jobs, not keep the employer profitable. Yeah, business exists to make money, not create jobs.

Exit soapbox.

How about a little music to mellow things out?

I hope you have a great Saturday

Home cooked meal

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook…."

It is Trump’s Fault

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister’s family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister’s pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, “Having children is an act of God!”

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said… “Snow and Rain are also ‘acts of God’, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!”

Remember

This post is dedicated to the brave men and women who died to keep me free

Wake up, he posted something

Yesterday turned out to be a decent day. I took my morning constitutional and read a bit after blogging. I helped the wife clean the house. It rained in the early afternoon. Our friends couldn't make it to play cards though.

We had a little BBQ for dinner and watched a fairly crappy not too funny comedy on Netflix. Ho hum, how the middle class spends a Saturday is boring.

Today? IDK. It is supposed to rain most of the day. Of course they said that about yesterday too. I'll probably read a little. Perhaps I'll pop an old Esther Williams DVD into the blueray if I can't find a suitable old movie on tv. There is an automobile race in the area. I won't go and since it is blacked out, I won't watch it either. I will probably catch part of the Cubbies though.

Ho hum, ho hum. My life is as boring as this blog.

The old man is snoring

With a Woot and Hooray a long weekend is finally here! It's gonna rain though. The media pointed out we have had rain or snow every single weekend for 14 straight weeks. Yes, that is why my backyard still needs a ton of work. Limbs and leaves still line the fence, weeds are springing up in the flower beds. The patio furniture is dirty and the granddaughter's playhouse is full of leaves and spider webs. The skies are darkening as I hunt and peck one-fingered on my iPad I keyboard. Yes, my backyard is as neglected as this blog.

Sorry 'bout that.

Sinatra is crooning in the background. The coffee is hot. Life is good.

We have no big plans for the weekend. Some friends might come over this evening for a little Euchre and dinner. There will be laughs and the easy relaxation of people who have been friends for more than 40 years.

Enjoy your Saturday.

And that is how it is done

The Governor signed a law allowing on-line Sports Books in Indiana.

I bet you will never catch me gambling.

I waited eight years for that?

The weather has been a little chilly for the season but I have hot water. Those cold showers explained why our great grandparents only bathed occasionally. I relived my old camping days as I heated water to wash dishes Sunday.

It is supposed to get warm starting tomorrow, but rain will settle in for the next five or six days. It looks like a damp holiday weekend

In other news, I don’t have any. This blog is holding on with bare life support

Rediscovering some classic rock

I find David Crosby's live version of his tune Triad from the CSN album Four Way Street to be haunting. I rediscovered the Jefferson Airplane version the other day:

While I have never been a devoted fan of the Airplane or Starship, I concede that Grace Slick can sing. She has pipes, baby. Take a listen to White Rabbit if you are too young to remember the psychedelic age. Look it up yourself, a little research is good for the soul.

Without sounding like the "Get off my lawn" old curmudgeon I'm becoming, I maintain they don't make rock music like this any more.  They don't make rock music any more. What is left of "old" rock and roll moved to country and is sleeping on the couch, eating Cheetos, smoking dope,  and occasionally making an appearance on a track or two of guitar-heavy chart toppers.

Meanwhile old codgers like me cling to the pathetic classic rock stations playing the same 50 songs from 40 or 50 years ago. Really, Elton John sang more than Rocket Man and there are more rock artists than Queen and Aerosmith.

Last night a BMW SUV pulled up next to me blasting bass-heavy rap music.

A Dead-Head sticker on a Caddilac indeed.

Life is great

I got up this morning and shuffled into the bathroom to get ready for work.  I grabbed a clean towel from the closet and turned on the sink faucet to shave. The water was cold as usual. It takes a minute or so for the hot water to reach upstairs. The water never got warm, in fact, it got colder.

Damn. Sigh.

I trotted downstairs and out to the garage. I could hear water dripping before I even turned on the light. Yep. The water heater was out. I turned off the water pipe leading to the heater. Crap and double crap.

I called off work then started pricing water heaters.

First, I don't understand the reluctance of a plumber to offer a general estimate. I get things might change once they get to the house, but a price estimate range is not unreasonable. I told three plumbers that if they cannot give me a rough estimate I would work with a plumber who would.

In other news, I am alive, I have a wife who loves me and wonderful grand kids  and kids.  I am blessed. I do have plenty to be thankful for. A cold shower might be good for me.

I intended to post a video, instead you get words

I have a few minutes before I head off to the office. A chilly morning will blossom later into a nice spring day. It will be enticingly on display out the floor to ceiling wall of windows just feet from my desk. Even warmer weather, and rain, are expected in the days to come.

I cut the lawn after work last evening. That, coupled with the fact that everything is in bloom outside, means allergies are kicking my butt this morning. The lilac bushes are starting to bloom. The smaller one by the gate is already in full flower. The whiff of lilacs slams you before you even open the gate. The two giant ones by the patio will be in flower by the weekend.

I guess Trump will have to pull an Obama and ship a few hundred million bucks or the Iranians will start misbehaving again. Somehow I don't think this President will play that old game. Somehow I also don't think he will be like Obama and apologize to the Mullahs if they attack one of our ships.

How 'bout those Cubs?

No GoT spoilers here

It is a chilly Monday here at the homestead. We went to my daughter's for a Mothers Day cookout. They provided the burgers, I made potato and pasta salads, deviled eggs, and a homemade peanut butter pie.

It rained all weekend. You can almost see the grass and weeds growing. The spring ants are doing their best to move into the dry house. I am fighting them off, streams of bug spray are mowing them down by the patio doors like fire from that GoT dragon.

Speaking of GoT, I'm not sure how blasts of flame makes stone walls explode, but it was cool. I'm not sure how the Packers will survive without Mr Rogers, though.

I have to get ready for work.  Have a great day.

To all you Moms out there

Happy Mother’s Day!



I miss you Mom

My, what short memories we have

Remember way back when the Obama justice department refused to turn over documents on just how guns got into Mexican cartel hands?

Remember when the treasury refused to come clean on how the IRS was attacking Americans with the “wrong” political beliefs?

Was that a Constitutional crisis?

Remember how one person lost the Presidency and her party launch a complete investigation over bogus political material?

Thanks for Nuthin’ Pal

Jon gets a new girlfriend and Ghost is sent packing

Dude rides a dragon a couple of times and his old pet is treated like that goldfish you won at the fair.

Oops- hope I didn’t spoil anything

no apology today for lack of posting

At about 11:30 this morning my daughter gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl. Everyone is doing fine.  The big sister is bursting with pride and excitement.

Life is good