Facts is Facts

In the pantheon of snack foods you have many categories. You have your Twinkies, HoHos, Dingdongs and Zingers. You have your salty snacks like chips and pretzels. Some poor misguided people will claim raisins and carrots and apple slices qualify as snacks. If you fall into this category you are delusional and need to get help.

As we continue the Holiday Weekend, we will be cooking out or entertaining friends. An understanding of snack foods and their hierarchy is in order. Today we will discuss the salty snacks.

There is no dispute the penultimate food is beef, followed by bacon. Cheetos finishes the triumvirate. King of snack foods, the Cheeto is light, fluffy and filled with artificial cheesy goodness. Slightly curved for a fun eating experience, the Cheeto can be consumed with beer, soda or even lemonade. Cheetos even has a cool spokesperson. Not far behind Cheetos is popcorn and pretzels. Chips in general and Cheese Nips round out the snack food top five.

Under the label Chips is a whole subcategory. Depending on your mood and total snack experience the ratings are hard to establish. Are you having dips, how do you rate the various flavors, where do rank Fritos? Are the a separate category all their own? Heck, some people even like bagel chips.

Now those crazy, kooky elves at Keebler have thrown a monkey wrench at us snacksters. They have combined salty snacks with crackers. The new Flip Sides product is quickly moving up the snack food ranks and may be a contender in the future. The pretzel/cheese cracker gives us the steadiness of a pretzel with the goody cheesiness of a Cheese Nip in one combination.

Flip Sides, Ruffles and sour cream and onion dip, Cheetos, popcorn, peanuts, I can see I am going to have a tough challenge ahead this weekend. I have cold beer in waiting. Good snacking lies ahead.

Dear Founding Fathers

Thank you

Balloons

Writing about the County Fair reminds me of times spent at various fairgrounds. In my teens I was a Boy Scout. Each year they had a "Scout Fair" that alternated between the Clinton and Boone County fairgrounds. The various Scout Troops and Cub Scout packs had booths showcasing aspects of scouting life. One troop may demonstrate knots and lashing, another physical fitness or first aid. Usually the boy Scout troops camped overnight.

One year when I was Senior Patrol Leader I returned to the campsite after visiting friends. We were at the Boone County fairgrounds. Nearby was a gas station. Some of the younger kids had gone to the gas station to buy candy, cokes, etc. while I was gone. A couple of the boys were hitting a balloon back and forth across the fire. It took me a few minutes to notice, but I finally asked where the got the balloon. One of the boys said they bought it at the gas station. There was a vending machine in the bathroom...

I nearly died laughing. The Scout Master thought it was funny too, but I was still in trouble for letting the kids leave the fairgrounds.

The County Fair

The county fair is underway and the little one is chomping at the bit to get there. He has already missed one night because of baseball. Carnies, elephant ears and flirting with the chicks -- summer life of a fourteen year old boy. I feel sorry for you city folks who do not have a county fair. It is the best place on earth to view the multitudes if trailer trash. Fat chicks with tattoos, mullet wearing guys in wife beaters, grandmas in halter tops, pregnant teens in midriff shirts, skanks in pajama bottoms and flip flops: it is like WalMart on steroids. The fair is a no man's land of teen fashion. The goths, the punks, the skaters and the preps all mingle in a week long social melee. Where do all these people come from? The midway game operators shouting for attention competes with the smell of fried dough, veggies, Italian sausage, body odor and livestock to give you sensory overload.

There is the tilt-a-whirl, the Ferris wheel, the bullet and zipper for thrown together, I hope they tightened all of the bolts, did they grease the bearings thrills. The little kids love the giant slide and laugh with delight as they "drive" the motorcycles and race cars round and round on the kiddie ride. It is always a hoot to stand near the exit of the crappy funhouse. You can hear the plaintive cry "I spent four tickets for that?" as the pre-teens race into line to go again. Sparks fly at the bumper cars and screams of delight battle the thump of rock music at the alligator roller coaster.

When I was a kid they used to have the mouse game at the fair. It was a spinning wheel divided into wedge-shaped colors. The operator would open this box and drop a mouse onto the wheel. The mouse would run to a hole and whatever color matched that hole won. You would place dollar bets on like-colored slots. It was mouse roulette, if you will. The prize was always cartons of cigarettes. There was the fishbowl game. They offered giant stuffed animal prizes because it was impossible to win, other than pure random dumb luck. Lots of kids spent lots of money trying to pick up cool prizes with the little crane. I never wasted much money on the games, when there was so much food and so many rides to enjoy.

Did your county fair have a demolition derby? Next to wrestling, there is nothing white trash enjoys more than watching their friends and neighbors crash into each other in an old car. At the county fair old guys flock to the harness racing, and the old ladies love the cutest baby contest at the grandstand. 4Hers show their prize-winning (fill in the blank) and farm animals. The churches, merchants and politicos give away free stuff. Yardsticks, bumper stickers and trinkets all seem cool until you carry them for about two minutes.

I am getting all teary-eyed with nostalgia here. A porkchop sandwich and grilled corn on the cob sounds pretty darn good. I think I am going to the fair tonight too. Which night is the demolition derby anyway?

Tuesday Grab Bag

Writers have likened life to a boxing match. If that were true, my fight would have been stopped several rounds ago. Really, I have plenty to be thankful for.

The wife and I spent our twenty-fourth anniversary at the ball park last night, watching the team lose in the first round of the tourney. The boys played OK, but were just over matched. We were the victims of too few hits, too many walks and too many errors. It was kind of like watching the Cubs lately. This is probably the best group of kids I have coached, at least in baseball. They were always joking and relaxed. No troublemakers in the dugout.

I have the middle passage of Close to the Edge (I get up/I get down) by Yes running through my head this morning. What earworm is sucking your brainwaves?

Did I mention the boy through a rod in car a few weeks ago? We are still looking for a good cheap used car. It seems they are either junks or out of our price range. The couple we found, the boy did not care for. I had to agree with him on one, the paint job was a hideous color. I won't say more, because maybe you have a car of that particular hue. I cannot afford to offend any readers these days. Plus, you know me -- Mr. Sensitive, always worrying about other people's feelings.

I get the feeling the ragheads are holding off any major moves until after the election. The last thing they want is another President that has no qualms about warring with them. They know the hippies hate violence. Time and dope will combine to dim the memory of 9/11. The hippies and foul commies are wondering why we are killing terrorist scum in Iraq and Afghanistan even now. A terrorist attack at this time will stir the Dims on an emotional level -- everything they do is based on emotion -- and force them to vote another Republican into office. The ragheads want 'dialog' and a malleable President, not death by bullets. They get down on their knees and pray to Mecca eleventeen times a day that Obamarama gets elected. "Make love not war" fits perfectly into the Muslim plans for world dhimitude because the only way they can win is if we let them. Vote accordingly.

Shoddy Customer Service

My daughter is the Maid of Honor in an upcoming wedding. Saturday night she hosted a combination Bridal Shower/Bachelorette Party at a local restaurant. The place was an fairly nice fondue-type place in the Castleton area of Indianapolis. The bill was over $500 (all the girls paid their own way).

As they were finishing, a waiter or busboy dropped a pot of hot cheese behind my daughter. She was splattered on her bare back by the burning cheese. The waiter scurried to pick up the dropped pot/utensils and disappeared. My daughter's friends applied ice and cold wet napkins to her back. A doctor was seated nearby and came over to offer assistance. The party asked for the manager on duty. Their own waiter dropped off the bill and made a hasty exit. After waiting for 15 minutes or more, the party went to the hostess station and again asked for a manager. The hostess returned to say he was not available. The waiter did not apologize, no one from the restaurant asked her if she was OK, nothing.

In today's litigious society what kind of moron who owns or manages a business would not rush to her side and do all in their power to make sure she was not seriously injured? Any decent manager would have offered desert, drinks or at least an "I am sorry, is there anything we can do to make up for this accident?".

I am livid. My daughter only received first degree burns, but it could have been much worse. Only my daughter's plaintive "Please don't Daddy" keeps me from calling (or going in person) to discuss this incident with the General Manager today. Accidents happen, but an apology is on order. I am not the suing kind, and no serious harm was done, but next time we/she/the restaurant may not be so lucky. I bet the owner/General Manager would like to know about this incident.

Eat Me, Shell Oil

I have long been an advocate for the oil companies. If you look at the profit margins, not the raw profit numbers, the companies are on the low end of profitability. The Government makes more money from a gallon of gas than Big Oil.

I am fed up with the pricing policies. Can anyone explain how gas can be $3.93/gal at 11:00 pm on a Thursday and $4.19/gal on Friday morning? Did the price per barrel go up that much overnight? I guess the local gas station has a direct pipeline to Arabia. Worse, every gas station in town, regardless of brand, charges the exact same price! This happens every week. I expect this week gas will take a huge leap on Wednesday, so they can take advantage of anyone traveling over the Holiday.

I am all for business. Profitability is good. But I have to admit the Standard Oil monopoly was broken up for a good reason. Is there collusion? I don't know, but something smells like day-old trout around here.

A viable third party candidate

If you are like me, this Presidential election again represents a choice of bad and really bad candidates. I had resigned myself to voting for McCain and then going home and washing my voting hand in peroxide and tomato juice, just to remove the stink. Now, we have a real candidate. A third party nominee has appeared. I think you will agree this is the right man for the job.

Picture of a big lily in front of my house

We payed the last regular league baseball game yesterday and won 13-3. We finished the season 7-4. I had hope to win one half of the games, so not too bad. Considering at one point we were 2-4, the boys really rallied. We finished in third place. The league tourney starts tomorrow. We got a bad draw, but we will see. They are capable of beating anyone if they play smart and hard.

Next up is All-star tryouts for the boy. He has played all-stars since he was 8. Last year was the first year since he was 8 that he was not a starter. This year it is going to be tough, only 5 kids per school district will be allowed on the team per IHSAA Rules. The boy is a very good fielder, but the coach likes the big strong power hitting type. The boy is a slap hitter in the Ty Cobb mold. He always hits the ball, but rarely does he get more than a single. We shall see what happens. If he does not make it, he will be devastated. He is better than some of the other players, but they are strong hitters. The decision comes down to do you want a player who is a good defensive player and hits .400 or better (but does sometimes hit into double plays), or a player that either strikes out or hits a boomer (with a BA of about .200)? I know what I would choose. I know what this coach has done in the past. The coach is a big guy and looks down on the skinny small kids. This is the first year the IHSAA thing has been a factor.

I am not sure what is going on with my sleep patterns. I keep waking up early, and that makes me tired early...I fell asleep in the chair at 10:00 last night and as in bed by 10:30. I have not been to bed before eleven PM in years.

If the rain holds off I will likely have to mow the yard and work in the flower beds today. Come on rain...

F-ing Cubs.

Weekend Funny

This week's cartoon is dedicated, in the nicest way, to Dragon. Go and wish her well.

Friday Five

The Friday Five feature was missing last week. The howls of complaint would have drowned out a herd of wolves in heat. I bet I got 20-25 comments of complaint. What? You in the back, your arm waving frantically in the air, what are you saying? The comments? Oh, I must have, uh, deleted them or something. That's it, I lost them when I remodeled the place...

OK look, putting together the Friday Five takes a long time and a bit of effort. The least you can do is play along and pretend you enjoy it. Think of it like that Birthday Party your Mom put together for you when you were 10. It was lame, but you loved her for trying.

This is post 1714. Number one was March 22, 2005. That is an average of three posts every two days. Your average columnists posts two or three times a week. Coming up with that much content is difficult, so enough of your whining. You are going to sit down and play along and pretend this is the most wonderful, cool, and exciting thing you have encountered on the 'net in a long time. Is...that...clear?

Now play:

1. See the curtains hanging in the window
In the evening on a Friday night
A little light a-shining through the window
Lets me know every thing's all right
Summer breeze, makes me feel fine
Blowing through the jasmine in my mind
Summer breeze, makes me feel fine
Blowing through the jasmine in my mind

2.Hot summer streets
And the pavements are burning
I sit around
Trying to smile
But the air is so heavy and dry
Strange voices are saying
What did they say
Things I can't understand
It's too close for comfort
This heat has got right out of hand
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Now you've gone

3.Cool town, evening in the city
Dressing so fine and looking so pretty
Cool cat, looking for a kitty
Gonna look in every corner of the city
Till I'm wheezing like a bus stop
Running up the stairs, gonna meet you on the rooftop
But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come-on come-on and dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be alright
And babe, don't you know it's a pity
That the days can't be like the nights
In the summer, in the city
In the summer, in the city

4. I'm a gonna raise a fuss
I'm a gonna raise a holler
about a workin' all summer
just to try to earn a dollar
ev'ry time I call my Baby
try to get a date
my Boss says
No dice, Son,you gotta work late
Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do
but there ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues.

5.It happened one summer
It happened one time
It happened forever
For a short time
A place for a moment
An end to dream
Forever I loved you
Forever it seemed
One summer never ends
One summer never began
It keeps me standing still
It takes all my will
And then suddenly
Last summer

bonus: The summer wind, came blowin in - from across the sea
It lingered there, so warm and fair - to walk with me
All summer long, we sang a song - and strolled on golden sand
Two sweethearts, and the summer wind

Sigh...I have made it easier this week. There is a theme. The title of the song can be found in the lyrics. All I need is the title and artist. Can you name anymore "summer" songs?

I think I will leave you with this gem to float in your brain all weekend:

Some people are jerks

My daughter works as a waitress at a country club. She is paid reasonably well. All of her customers are well to do. Most are wonderful people, some are rich assholes. She was telling us about a jerk she dealt with the other day. He is a drunk and a asswipe to boot. After the table of nine or ten ordered their drinks the drunk went to the bathroom. As my daughter was delivering the tray of drinks, this Bozo slipped behind her and scared her, making her drop the entire tray of drinks. She was pissed because the drinks got all over her, she was embarrassed and it made her look bad. Luckily, her supervisor saw the whole thing. Beyond being an alcoholic drunk jerk, what would make a person act this way, or to think it was funny?

In part two of "why would people do this?" we saw a female at WalMart last night covered in tattoos. If someone wants to do that, good for them. I am an open minded person. It was the subject matter I found strange. Why would a woman want a full frontal naked woman tattooed the length of her upper arm? It was very good work, but boobs and pubes on your bicep, and you are a woman? All of her 'art' was of the black line variety -- no color-- and from a distance she looked like she was covered in bruises or maybe dirt. Really strange.

We hit the mall for a brief period last night. I was sitting, watching the people go by. This guy was fiddling with his phone and started broadcasting classic rock from an Internet stream. His phone was turned up pretty loud and everyone was giving him dirty looks. The phone guy finally discovered how to turn it down. Oh wait, the phone guy was me. Never mind, there is no issue here.

Another example of the need to be armed

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on
his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely.

Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball
bat, and a gun.

He hands the man the gun. "Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto
your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down.
When he falls down, this little dog is specially trained to bite him on the
balls until he's incapacitated." "Great plan," says the man. "But what's the
gun for?" "If I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

Guns Guns Guns

The Supremes got one right. And I do not mean Diana Ross' backups. Tell me now how this decision would be different if Gore or Kerry or Hildabeast Or Obama makes the nominations for Supreme Court vacancies. I am not a fan of McCain, but we need to elect him to make sure the Court rules on Constitution, not fashion.

Questions

If you had seen the Flying Nun hovering overhead, her big floppy hat (cornette?) providing the necessary lift, would you have looked up her skirt?

Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?

Goldbloom is working on her own "Bucket List". You know, things she wants to do before she kicks the bucket. I have said it before, I have been fortunate to visit a lot of places in the Western World. So I will turn idea a little sideways and list some of the cool things I have already done that might be on other people's "Bucket List". In no particular order:

1. I have seen and put my foot in all of the Great Lakes.
2. I have visited Washington DC and the associated sites.
3. I have climbed the stairs of the Eiffel Tower and seen Cathedral Notre Dame in Paris(not impressive compared to other Cathedrals in Europe).
4. I have ridden the Bullet Trains in France and Germany.
5. I have visited almost every major Battlefield in the US, especially Civil War sites. I saw Bufford Pusser's Stick.
6. I have travelled the Columbia River Gorge (one of the most beautiful places on Earth)and seen the devastating beauty of Mt St. Helens.
7. I have seen one of the bats used by Ruth and I have seen the Cubs play in Wrigley. I have seen a triple play.
8. I saw the birth of each of my children.
9. I have gazed upon the pieces of the Parthenon and real Egyptian Mummies and touched the Rosetta Stone while in the British Museum.
10. I have swam in the Pacific, Atlantic and Caribbean Seas as well as the Gulf of Mexico.
11. I have visited the Austrian Alps and the resort towns around the lakes -- especially the Wolfgangsee. While drinking along the lake in St. Gilgen, I swore I would never leave.
12. I have visited (just visited) the red light districts of Amsterdam and Hamburg. I have been to a Playboy Club.
13. I have jumped from a perfectly functional airplane.
14. I have been to Disneyland and Disneyworld.
15. I have been to the Indy 500, when it really was the Greatest Spectacle in Racing.
16. I have smoked a Cuban cigar and I have gone streaking and skinny dipping. I have been in a fistfight.
17. I have driven at very high speeds on the Autobahn in Germany.
18. I have visited the Alamo, The Golden Gate Bridge and the Arch in St. Louis.
19. I became an Eagle Scout, I graduated both High School and College
20. I have experienced the perfect kiss and known the love of a good woman.

I do not really need a "bucket List". I have lived a pretty good life.

Stuff you do not care about

We had baseball games on Friday, Sunday and last night. We won all three. Two of the teams we beat had beaten us badly (10 run rule) last week. Last night's game was a thriller. We started off badly, going three up and three down in the top of the inning. Then we gave up four runs in the bottom of the first. We fought back to within one run and had bases loaded in the 5th when the kid on third got caught stealing home on a passed ball after I told him not to run. This was unfortunate as my best hitters were up. We gave them a few more runs in the bottom of the fifth. Things looked grim as we entered the seventh and final inning. My number 7,8, and 9 hitters were up and we were down two. We started the inning with an out, a strikeout and a walk. The top of the order came up with two outs. Hit batter, walk, and a new pitcher entered the game. Another hit was followed by another and some walks and we go into the bottom of the 7th ahead 8-6. My pitcher is out of innings and my remaining pitcher said his arm was sore, but he would try. He struck out the number 3,4,5 batters with just 11 pitches and the game was won. We are now 6-4 with two games left before the tourney. One of these games is against a winless team. The other is against an undefeated team. But because of rain etc., they have 5 games yet to play, so if all goes wrong for them we could end up in first or second in the league (not likely, but who knows?).

Messin around

I am working on a new template. Somehow I am unable to get comments to appear -- not holoscan nor blogger. Anyone who can help me please send me an email (hoosierboy62-at-hotmail.com) and I will send you the keys to the mysterious and scary template.

Uncivilizing Society

I am a casual guy. Most days I sport jeans or shorts and a T-shirt. The T-shirt usually offers free advertising to a shoe company. I never wear shoes or socks when in the house (and sometimes outside).

For most of my professional career I have worn business clothing. Until a year or so ago I wore a shirt and tie and usually a coat to visit customers. Most often I wore a suit. Until two years ago I almost always wore a white shirt. In recent months I have taken to wearing polo shirts or dress shirts emblazoned with the company logo instead of a suit or tie. I fit in better with customers and other sales types. For big meetings etc., I still wear at least a tie.

I tell you this as an admission that I am a contributor to the decline of western civilization. As our lives become more comfortable, as air conditioners sooth our hot summers with Arctic breeze in our cars, homes and offices, we have shed our coats and hats to casual Friday.

There was a time in our society when a decent man would not leave home without a coat or at least a vest. Men of all stripes wore coats, even laborers, while professional men wore ties. Take a look at pictures from the Civil War through the mid 1900's and you will see men always with coats. Professionals wore ties and coats into the 1990s. As I said, being an old dinosaur, I wore a suit until the last year or two for work.

Not so long ago a man would not dream of taking a date to dinner or the movies with out donning his best suit. Today. you see men in even the nicest restaurants open-collared. When last did you see a man with a hat, besides a baseball cap? Sometimes when I watch the old movies on TV, I look at the men and see class. Even the thugs of the Prohibition era sported nice clothes. The men gunned down and those gunning on February 14, 1929 all wore suits and ties. As did noted anarchists Sacco and Vanzetti. Charles Lindbergh wore a shirt and tie as he fell from the door of the Spirit of St. Louis upon landing in France. I think you can agree that Astaire, Sinatra and Stewart had an air of dignity and class in their fine clothes. There is no doubt that the great coaches of professional sports like Connie Mack, Lombardi, and Wooden all displayed a great deal more of professional class than the cut off sweatshirt worn by Belichick. I think this guy is right in his battle for civilized sartorial wear. He has ordered fedoras and custom fitted suits.

A part of me wants to blame JFK for his refusal to wear a hat on Inauguration Day, or the filthy hippies of the 1960s for the baseness of modern civilization. I know we are creatures of comfort. That indeed is the mark of a civilized man. Is not the march of civilization the effort to make life more comfortable? Is echewing ties just a continuation of moving from the damp fields to a cave to a house? Is it really different from the advancements made in clothing from loin cloths to itchy woollens to modern cottons? Do you really want the feel of rough-tanned leather on your nether regions? Is it rationalization, or is my barefoot stride across the carpet a step backward to the days man emerged from the jungles and forests to build cities and towns?

As I type away I am barefoot and wearing a Nike T-shirt. On the morrow I will don a polo shirt and Dockers for a visit with a customer. As I dress I will glance at my suit, I will skip my wingtips for more casual footwear and head for the door. Comfort will reign supreme over class. It will be one more day we are little less civilized.

Conversations with a teenager

The boy is having a Stouffer's Mac and Cheese TV Dinner and I am enjoying Banquet's finest Mexican meal. I tell him that when I was his age I had to cook my mac and cheese frozen dinner in the oven and that it took about 45 minutes.

Boy: Whaaaat?
Me: Yep, you had to plan lunch in advance.
Boy: Why didn't you use the microwave.
Me: We did not have one. It was not invented.
Boy: Dude, that is lame. walks away in disgust

Just for Freddie

This is what I would write, if I had talent

Bane always entertains me, some days I think we are kindred souls. This post? Well I can only say "what he said". Only he said it better than I could. But boy, those are my thoughts about this piece o' crap blog.

Bearded Clam

RIP George Carlin. You made me laugh, you made me think.

Weekend Funny

Weekend update

I woke up early this morning, six am again. I am not sure what is up with that. I must be getting old. The next thing you know I will be eating supper at 4:30 and hitting the cafeteria circuit. Oh no, I hate bingo.

The baseball team won last night 9-1. We are now 4-4. I was glad to see the boys recover from our humiliating loss in the last game (16-2?). The boy played fine, he struggled at the plate, but put the ball in play every time. Speaking of baseball, I want to tell you a funny story. I am not making fun of this kid, I just think it is funny. This is the stuff you have to deal with when you coach kids.

I have a boy on my team who is not very good. In fact he is by far the worse player on the team (probably in the whole league). He has not played baseball for several years. To put it in perspective it was quite possible a Clinton was President the last time he played. I admire his courage to play now, but with 13-15 year olds, on a regular diamond, it is kind of dangerous to have someone with no clue playing. But he tries hard. Since day one this kid has bugged me to pitch. At this point most of the good pitchers have been playing for 8-9 years and pitching for at least five or six years at least. We have lead-offs and steals and you have to know what you are doing. Anyway I gave in to his pestering and let him throw a few balls to me from the mound the other day before the game. In more than 30 pitches from both the wind up and the stretch, he threw ONE strike. Most pitches were so wild I could not reach them or stop them. I should point out I am a former catcher. So we go back to the dugout. He asks if he is going to get to pitch later in the game. I tell him I have some really good pitchers and that he should really concentrate on hitting and fielding. I tell him 14 is pretty late to learn how to pitch. He says he understands, but do I think he will get to pitch later on in the season. I am brutal honest and tell him there is no chance he will pitch this year. He asks if he should keep practicing pitching at home. I just sigh and tell him absolutely. I am sure I have not done the story justice, but if you could see how truly lacking in even the most basic fundamentals this guy is...Last night he did not run with bases loaded. A ground ball was hit. He ran a few steps to second but came back to first because, and I quote, "If I ran I would have been out." I still have to tell him which is right and left fields. Life is an adventure.

I have a copy of Full Metal Jacket gifted me for Father's Day waiting to be put into the DVD player this morning. Go forth and and enjoy your weekend.

weekend funny

Dr. Dickhead

As most of you know I work from home. That is why you get a taste of my personal wit and charm on a semi-regular basis here. The wife is a teacher's aid and is home during the summer. I have to be honest and admit having her and the kids home really screws up my routine. When it is just me at home I do what I want when I want. If I want lunch at 10:00 in the morning, I do it. If I want to take a small break and watch pygmy sex videos with my hand on the old trucker clock, well I indulge. I take a shower when the mood hits. This is often after watching pygmy sex videos. Anyway, you get the point. They all have their own agenda and it sometimes interferes with mine.

I never turn on the TV during the day. I sometimes listen to music, but not always. Being an old fart, I prefer to use the main computer with the 17 inch monitor as opposed to my laptop. This computer is in the living room. The wife sometimes turns on the TV and watches the crap that is on in the afternoon. Usually this means some decorating show, but sometimes she turns on Captain Obvious -- Dr. Phil. How this windbag ever got a Doctorate is beyond me. I can only imagine the attention needy psychosis that drives people to air their problems to him on TV.

I really like his usual advise. You have to stop being abusive. Ya think? Beating your kids with a sand filled hose is just wrong. No kidding? He offers this bit of wisdom Jim, you cannot punch your wife, it is just not acceptable, Or how about I am willing to roll up my sleeves and get down in the trenches to help you, but you have to realize screwing the babysitter in front of the six year old has to stop.Or maybe Look here, high heels and makeup are not an issue in themselves, it when you pair them with a lace jockstrap and cup that draws some unwanted attention and ridicule, Joe.

Do we really need to be told that Mom, Dad, your daughter wears all black clothes. She has spiked hair and a dozen tattoos. She screams at night 'f(bleep)ck me Satan'. Whether or not she is keeping her room clean enough may not be your biggest issue as parents.

When Dr. Dickhead is not pushing the obvious, he is listening to insane people spin their tales. I am concerned my daughter is a harlot, a fallen woman. she is always wanting to go over to the neighbor's pool and swimming with that boy next door. She wears this slinky two piece swimsuit. I am concerned she may not keep her Chasity pledge in such sinful surroundings. Well how old is this boy asks the genius Doctor. Just one year older than my Susie. A tearful Mom confesses she even saw the kids kiss once. Oh, and little Susie is 7 years old.

Where do they get these people, all of them? I mean the people being counseled, the producers, the good Doctor himself, the people who watch this crap, where do they come from? Are they really allowed to vote?

You really got me now

The joke is on me, and I am man enough to admit it. I throw up a tongue-in-cheek post chastising my faithful readers and then fail to post anything for a few days. All I can say is that the overwhelming need to earn a paycheck kept me from the keyboard. Hell, I did not read any of your blogs either. So get out your Dymo LT-100H and tag me with a hypocrite label. I stand here with my head only slightly bowed asking a semi-heartfelt apology. That is the best you are going to get. Look at it this way; I got up at 6:00 am to post this.

Your abuse is worth it, 'cause I am awesome. By neglecting you it looks as if I am going to increase business at my third largest customer by some 40%. I will become their sole source. I will get a price increase to boot. We are talking multi-million account here peeps. More business at a higher price. If I get the contract signed it will be a real coup. Who is the pussy now?

Do chastise mean what I think it do?

Look, far be it from me to kick my loyal readers. Some of you are doing your job. It is the rest of you. I have lost 20-30 readers a day in the last month or two. Some of you might blame it on content. Well Fuck you too. Is it the weather or because it is summer? I refuse to accept you have something better to do.

Look, here are the facts. You should be clicking this sight 3-5 times a day. Minimum.I hate to bring out the big guns, but if you loved me you would.

Engineers -- who needs 'em

Monday is in my rear view mirror. Enough about that.

Due to the massive amounts of rain we have had in this area the baseball schedule is completely messed up. Last night we played a double header. Then we play Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday and Monday. They are kids, and they recover fast, but that is too much. We won the opening game of the double header and lost the second game. We are better than both teams. In the second game, we had one bad inning and the boys just kind of gave up after that. They were just tired. The boy went 4 for 7 for the evening. He drove in the winning run in game one with a walk-off single. For the night he had four hits, one walk and one strikeout. The team is now 3-3 for the season. We should have one or two losses at the most.

I had a great Father's Day, thanks for the well-wishes. I did not get laid though. I guess falling asleep at 10:30 in the chair had something to do with that. My daughter and her boyfriend were here and my Mom and Dad came down. Unfortunately the oldest boy had to work, and the youngest went with a friend to see the Red Sox in Cincy again. He is one spoiled kid (actually his friend's dad paid for the tix). We put some burgers on the grill and I whipped up some potato salad, macaroni salad and some deviled eggs. For desert I got out the ice cream freezer and made home-made ice cream. Oh, and I had a few beers too.

Finally, a word of note. I hope that sorry no good bastard who invented the star-shaped head on screws a ton of misery. I would like to kick that fucker right in the crotch with steel toed cowboy boots. Then I would ram a splintery two by four right up his ass. I would ream it around so the corners sheared off just like those cheap assed easy strip fasteners he designed. A pox on the car companies for putting those rotten bastards all over the car, making easy repairs become difficult and expensive. One example of an engineer fucking up a perfectly good system to justify his job. I hope you get the pox, nameless white-coated asshole.

It is only funny 'cause it is true

Sometimes less is more

Fate is a fickle bitch, letting you think life is good and fine. Then she sneaks up and whacks you in the back of the head with a baseball bat. The Greeks depicted Fate as a woman. I know why, she keeps you miserable so you remember who is in charge of your life. It is not you.

And Best wishes for a Happy Monday to you.

Happy Father's Day

If you wives do not know what to get your husband for Father's day, I can help. He does not want a tie. He has no desire for a BBQ Set. He does not need a pen or pencil, nor another golf shirt. The kids can give him that stuff. He just wants to get laid. Trust me on this.

Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there. Here is a virtual beer on me:

Pygmy sex videos

Man, I bet you pervs get pissed when you click here looking for pygmy sex and get this bullshit. You know about 4-5 of you click this site every day looking for pygmy sex. Just what are you looking for, what do you expect to find? Good news for me. I am number one on Google if you are searching for pygmy sex!

The boy, the wife and I went to Cincinnati to see the Red Sox take on the Reds last night. I was thrilled -- Johnny Bench threw out the first pitch! He was my childhood hero. The boy got to see his beloved Red Sox in action, even though they lost. And after the game was an awesome fireworks show. Did I mention I dig fireworks? The Fourth of July is my favorite holiday.In all, a great evening. Beer, peanuts, hot dog and baseball, what more could you want in entertainment?

Meanwhile (cue the voice of Ted Baxter from the Superfriends), it rained buckets again here at home. The oldest boy said it was a monsoon. His clothes and shoes ware completely soaked from working in the rain. He said he has never worked so hard in his life. I guess gamblers do not like walking in the rain and took great use of the valet parking at the casino. He was not yet home when I went to bed, I hope he made some good tips.

I guess I offended a fine veteran yesterday with my sarcastic rant about suing on behalf of German and Italian POWs. That was not my intention. It was sarcasm. Sorry.

No cartoon today, I bet you did not even notice. Thanks for your continued support.

Just thinking here boss

If I was a lawyer, I think I would be off to the EU to find me some Italian and Germans that spent time in Camp Atterbury and other POW camps here in the US. A class action suit on behalf of the victims and the surviving families just might be in order. After all, these poor people were likely conscripts and we held them prisoner with out recourse to their civil rights granted by the US Constitution. I think about a Million each is a good place to start...

One more time...Big oil makes around four or five CENTS per gallon of gas they sell. Certain members of Congress believe that is outrageous and want to punish the oil companies. The Federal Government makes EIGHTEEN CENTS for every gallon of gas sold. When are we going to punish those responsible for that kick in the consumer ass?

I really believe McCain is the lessor of evils in the next election, but every time he opens his mouth I want to vote for him less.

Can someone explain to me how every politician decries our dependence on foreign oil, yet prices have been souring for months and we still have not seen an emergency energy bill from anyone that would open up the oil-rich areas of this country for drilling? Why not?

I am really beginning to believe we are doomed as a nation, a great experiment destroyed from within. That thought depresses me. Even more depressing is the great number of people who cannot see it.

If you are not reading this guy, you should be. he will be added to the blogroll the next time I am in the old template.

It is finally Friday

What a week. I had a most unproductive trip. I got up early Wednesday to drive 3-1/2 hours to meet with a customer. I sat in the lobby for nearly 1-1/2 hours waiting on the buyer before I said the hell with it and left. I guess she was busy or in a meeting. I left messages on her phone. I told her voice mail I could come back later that day or the next morning. To date I have no phone call, no e-mail or any explanation (or apology)from her. Thursday morning my next appointment called to say he could not meet with me. So I drove home. Two days, meals, hotel and $4.19 gas for nothing. I love my life. As an added bonus, Wednesday and Thursday were absolutely beautiful -- no rain. To cap the week, the boy and I are going with a customer to see the Reds/Red Sox game tonight. My boy loves the Red Sox. It looks to be a virtual lock for heavy rain. The South is in a drought and we are having monsoons in the Midwest.

BTW, words fail me to describe the tragedy of those young men at the Boy Scout camp struck by a tornado. Remind me to tell you about a similar experience I once had while camping with Boy Scouts (without the tragic loss of life). You know, it occurs to me that we have seen storms, tornadoes and flooding since the first of the month in Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois and Indiana that rivals Hurricane Katrina. But you do not see the same 'help me' attitude. There is no blaming of Bush and you can damn sure bet the victims of these storms will not be screaming for more aid three years from now. I am just sayin'.

In the spirit of the week, here is this weeks Friday Five lyric contest. The first song has been an earworm in my head for about ten days now.

1. C'mon you little fighter
No need to get uptighter
C'mon you little fighter
And get back up again.

It's raining again
Oh no, my love's at an end.
Oh no, it's raining again
Too bad I'm losing a friend.
Oh!Oh!

2.I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you laughing
I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain

3.Theres a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet memory will die
Killer on the road, yeah

4. They call it stormy monday
But tuesdays just as bad.
They call it stormy monday
But tuesdays just as bad.
Lord, and wednesdays worse
And thursdays all so sad

5.Long as I remember
The rain been comin' down.
Clouds of myst'ry pourin'
Confusion on the ground.
Good men through the ages,
Tryin' to find the sun;
And I wonder, Still I wonder,
Who'll stop the rain.

bonus:Only love
Can make it rain
The way the beach
Is kissed by the sea
Only love
Can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers
Layin' in the fields

Dear Democratic Party

Government does not create wealth. It does not create jobs. It does not produce any goods that can be exchanged for wealth. Maybe I should make this simpler. The government can print and coin money, but it can only get money from you and I. It can only get it from us by taking it. The Government (Federal, State and Local) gets our money through fees and taxes. Businesses may pay taxes, but they pass that cost on to the consumers who purchase their goods and services. We, as individual pay those taxes too, indirectly. These are basic facts. If you cannot, or will not, grasp the truth of this matter you are an idiot and you should have your reproductive organs removed so that you can stop diluting our species. Lets put your buddy Darwin and his theories to the test, OK?

Mr. Democrat, if you raise taxes on a particular business that business will pass that tax burden on to his customers to maintain a certain level of acceptable profit. Business do not exist to lose money. If they do lose money they cease to exist. If you increase taxes on, oh let us say the oil companies, then the price of the goods and services produced by the oil companies goes up. Let me make it even simpler -- if you raise taxes on the oil companies the price of gas will go up.

Mr. Democrat, if you continue to expand the role of Government you will need more taxes to pay for these services. Expanding give aways costs the taxpayers more money. If I have to pay for universal health care, my costs will increase. If you want more of something -- give it away, people will take advantage of it. If you have to fork over 15 or 20 bucks to see a doctor, you might suffer through the symptoms of a minor cold. If you could go see your physician for free you will take advantage and go.

Mr. Democrat, only about 1/3 of us are paying taxes. If you increase those taxes the same 2/3 are going to have to pay more. I cannot afford to pay for more government. I want you to provide for my safety (military/police/fire). Provide for infrastructure (roads etc.) and help out (on a temporary basis)those who need a helping hand. Unemployment , welfare, disaster relief are all OK, in limited doses. Why are we still pumping money into New Orleans after all these years? Enough already.

Mr. Democrat, quit promising to give me stuff others have paid for. Promise you will give less. Promise to fix the Social Security nightmare that is looming. Protect us from terrorism. Let the businesses drill for own oil, build Nuke plants for energy and construct refineries. Get rid of the two dozen different gas formulas. No more subsidies for corn, or sugar or any other industry. Businesses and farms should make it on their own. We will all prosper.

The President cannot make the simplest of laws. He cannot creat a single job. He does not have the power to stop climate change (real or imaginary). So, if you are voting for a candidate based on his promise to give you a high paying job, or that he will cool the sun, you should see the first paragraph. No, you should just kill yourself, you are a waste of good oxygen.

This stuff is not so hard to understand. Hell I got a 'D' in college Econ.

It is Tuesday, it is still raining

I have not done the quiz thing for about two years, but I liked this one. OK, I liked it because I scored well. I stole it from Cappy. The quiz title is a joke, because I did not pay attention in high school. I was a jackass in those days as compared to the asshole I am now. High school was ridiculously easy. Honestly , I bet I took home a book less than 2 dozen times in four years. I got a shitty education in return. Not all of my teachers were bad. They just had low expectations for all of us.

You paid attention during 97% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

Do you deserve your high school diploma?
Create a Quiz

Thanks for the kind comments about my family. I know I am a lucky man.

And this is for YOU: Best of luck with your new life. Change is hard, but things always work out as they are supposed to.

Monday Morning Blues

I had a productive Sunday. Let me rephrase that, I had a productive Sunday Afternoon. The wife and daughter escaped to a wedding shower, and yes, I did ask them if they got clean upon their return. I will not be the one that lets the classic jokes die. While they were gone, I baked the wife a birthday cake. I got the flooded Escort running and brought it home. I walked back to get my car and drove it home. I did some basic troubleshooting on the non-working hot tub (oh shit, I have a cake in the oven!). One motor/pump working, one not. I threw a load of towels in the washer. I took a shower. I threw same load of now clean towels into the dryer. I dozed while watching the end of Ivanhoe. I iced the cake. Took the wife and kids to a steak dinner. Came home folded towels and ate a piece of cake. I watched a combination of the Cubs game/some design show the wife likes/Vision Quest. Returned videos to the rental place with a scant three minutes to spare before closing time. I scratched the giant 'S' on my chest and hit the sheets.

And so it goes

Wow. It finally stopped raining around noon yesterday. In all we got over eight inches of rain in about 12 hours. That makes the total for the last week in the neighborhood of 16-18 inches. Over to the west, near Goldbloom's house, got really pounded too. About 1-1/2 hours after yesterday's post the oldest boy headed off to work and drove through a puddle. This puddle was up to my knees when I went to push his stalled car from the water. This was about two blocks away. Now the car will not start. It gives a Huh when you turn the key. Since I know about as much about cars as I do quantum physics, I guess I will have to have it towed. I hope it is just new plugs and points, and not life-threatening. That little Escort is on its last legs and I really do not want to spend much more on it. We spent about $2000 last summer in repairs. We only paid $3500 for it to begin with. I am just not in any position to buy a new car right now. The boy, he is OK after I smacked him in the head and broke both knees with a baseball bat. In my mind. Actually, I just smiled and told him not to worry, these things happen.

I finally got around to opening my cell phone bill for last month (it is due this week)and for some reason the bastards have started charging me for internet usage on my Treo. I am supposed to have unlimited use for a flat fee. The charges are over $200! Now I have to fight about that. Contrary to the perception, I do not enjoy getting pissed and fighting with assholes.

In all, yesterday was a pretty crummy day.

Noah, call your office

Holy crap, is it ever going to stop raining? I have come to believe lightening and thunder is the natural state of things. I do not have any firm statistics, but I bet we have been drenched with more than a foot of rain in the last 5 days. Some of the areas just west of here have more than 8 inches in the last 12 hours, and I suspect we got close to that. the lake that was once my side yard can attest to the saturated ground. The Big Blue River was out of its banks more than a quarter mile before last night's deluge.

My oldest son started a new job last night. He will be valet parking cars at the casino that is scheduled to open here in the hometown. They had a trial run for the gaming commission and local dignitaries last night. The big opening is scheduled for next week. he pulled in almost $60 in tips, plus $8.50/hour. Not a bad summer job. He says he is going to keep working at Pizza Hut as well.

The youngest has been asked to play with the high school baseball team in the their summer league (at least some of the games). He is an incoming freshman, so he is pretty excited. He will likely not get much playing time, but it is still pretty cool. His first game was scheduled for today, but given the weather, it looks doubtful. Babe Ruth league games were cancelled for last night due to flooded fields, so I expect he will be out of luck tomorrow for the regular games.as well (this is his regular league where he mainly plays).

Tomorrow is the wife's birthday. She will be x years old. I am not an idiot people, she may not read this, but she may discover it someday.

Weekend Funny

The Longest Day

I originally published this on June 6, 2005. It is still appropriate.

Monday, June 06, 2005

"The most difficult and complicated operation ever to take place"
The above quote is by Winston Churchill. Joseph Stalin said
"The history of war does not know of an undertaking comparable to it for breadth of conception, grandeur of scale, and mastery of execution."

June 6, 1944. Not many under the age of 40, or maybe even 60, know the importance of this date. D-Day. The assault on Normandy, an operation that has never been equaled in the anals of history. The landing location was kept a secret, the Hun was stunned to the very core. Yet it was a close thing. Read the fine history of D-Day by Stephen Ambrose. Did you think Private Ryan was graphic? Read the words of the men at Utah, Gold, Juno, and Omaha beaches.

Nearly 175,000 Canadians, British, and Americans landed on D-day, at a cost of more than 10,000 casualties. We do not know for sure. It was only after several days of fighting that role calls were made, paperwork completed. Over 6,600 Americans were casualties, over 2,000 of those were on Omaha Beach and 2,500 were from the Airborne troops. These men sacrificed to save the world from the likes of Hitler. They freed Europe and saved France from its own traitorous Vichy Government.

"As the first men jumped, they crumpled and flopped into the water. Then order was lost. It seemed to the men that the only way to get ashore was to dive head first in and swim clear of the fire that was striking the boats. But, as they hit the water, their heavy equipment dragged them down and soon they were struggling to keep afloat. Some were hit in the water and wounded. Some drowned then and there... But some moved safely through the bullet fire to the sand and then, finding they could not hold there, went back in to the water and used it as cover, only their heads sticking out. Those who survived kept moving with the tide, sheltering at times behind underwater obstacles and in this way they finally made their landings.

Within ten minutes of the ramps being lowered, Company A had become inert, leaderless and almost incapable of action. Every officer and Sergeant had been killed or wounded... It had become a struggle for survival and rescue. The men in the water pushed wounded men ashore, and those who had reached the sands crawled back into the water pulling others to land to save them from drowning, in many cases only to see the rescued men wounded again or to be hit themselves. Within twenty minutes of striking the beach Company A had ceased to be an assault company and had become a forlorn little rescue party bent upon survival and the saving of lives."

Official Unit Report, Company A, 116th Infantry, 29th Division.


On the backs of these men and the rest of the "Greatest Generation" that we owe our freedom today. Thank God for them in your payers tonight.

Friday Five

We are doing the Friday Five early this week, as June 6 is a date I set aside for a serious post.

My Internet twin Supergurl showed me last week this little contest is not nearly so easy as I had believed. But being a lazy and unimaginative cuss, I will continue for at least one more week. This week I have searched out the lyrics to some of the worst songs of the Seventies. These babies should fill you with nostalgia for polyester shirts and bell bottoms. These are the songs you heard on your transistor radio, and loved to hate. There is no disco, only pure pop of the sweetest, most saccharine kind. try not to puke on your keyboard enjoy:

1. Goodbye to you, my trusted friend.
We've known each other since we're nine or ten.
Together we climbed hills or trees.
Learned of love and ABC's,
skinned our hearts and skinned our knees.
Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die,
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Pretty girls are everywhere.
When you see them I'll be there.

2. In the heat of a summer night
In the land of the dollar bill
When the town of Chicago died
And they talk about it still

When a man named Al Capone
Tried to make that town his own
And he called his gang to war
With the forces of the law

3. See the tree, how big it's grown
But friend, it hasn't been too long, it wasn't big
I laughed at her and she go mad
The first day that she planted it, was just a twig
Then the first snow came
And she ran up to brush the snow away so it wouldn't die
Came running in, all excited
Slipped and almost hurt herself and I laughed till I cried
She was always young at heart, kind of dumb and kind of smart
And I loved her so

4.Muskrat susie, muskrat sam
Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land
And they shimmy
And sammys so skinny

sorry, I have stop here and be sick...

5. I rode my bicycle past your window last night
I roller skated to your door at daylight
It almost seems like you're avoiding me
I'm okay alone, but you got something I need

bonus: Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
gonna grab some afternoon delight.
My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right.
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day.
And you know the night is always gonna be there any way.

That, my friends is the worst pop song ever recorded. I have set new hand speed records changing the station when that tripe hits the airwaves. You cannot beat the sentiment, but the song makes we want to shove ice picks in my ears -- dull ones. Every time I have heard that song is wasted minutes from my life I can never get back. Worse, it is the kind of horrid tune that easily becomes an earworm. I must turn on some real classic rock to burn the sound of that musical abortion from my brainpan.

Melancholy Man

Wow, what a cutielanche I was gifted by Erica, I think she sent every peep from Sheepshead Bay Brooklyn over here. Hey, all youse guys keep comin' back. We may talk funny out here in flyover country, but I can offer you some history, some politics, an occasional good cartoon, a slice of my mundane life and some occasional humor. In other words you never know what you will find here, exept a heavy dose of mediocrity. I really know how to sell it, eh?

I am off this morning to the Second City. We will see how the old back holds up. Driving seems to be the only thing that really bothers me still. I am delivering you this pathetic post through the super sekrit blogger schedule post feature. I have used it to do the last few Friday Five posts. If you care, this weeks post is already done, and will be published on Thursday. Do not get confused and knock off for the weekend a day early! Anyway this week we will feature absolutely revolting and horrible songs from the 1970s. Bring your barf bags and play along.

Rain

The rain provides an uneven back beat on the living room skylight. Raindrops jump as they land on the glass patio table. I hear an occasional metallic ping as stray drops fall down the fireplace chimney. Lightning flashes in the twilight. It is nearly eleven in the morning. God bowls a gutter ball of thunder in the distance. I look out the window at the flowers bouncing in the wind. A 'you have new mail' pops on my screen. Work beckons. The 'fridge hums in the kitchen, the computer whirs near my feet. A dozen items occupy my brain. The rain comes down heavier now, almost a downpour as thunder again booms in the distance, felt more than heard. Each minute of rain decreases the chances of playing baseball tonight. The team needs the rest anyway, tonight's scheduled contest will be the fourth in five days. Rain is a steady pounding now. The thunder almost constant. The grass I mowed yesterday is a vibrant green. I hear the water cascading from the downspouts. There is little wind. Softer now, the rain is a steady shower. the thunder sounds like fireworks in the distance and I know I am blessed.

I need your help

I come before you today, my favorite stained and faded Cubs hat in hand. I need your help and support to battle a curse, a disease that a afflicts millions of men. This disease attacks regardless of race or religion. It attacks your very limbs. Please lend your support for a new organization I have created:

BUARAH

Bloggers United Against Receding Ankle Hair

I am one of the legion of males afflicted with this misery. I have tried the creams, the lotions, everything. I even tried the spray hair I saw on a late night infomercial, but it made my ankles look like I had on a pair of permanent black socks. I have considered transplants, but at my age I have concerns about taking any hair from my head. Plus, I do not want my ankle hair growing long like some kind of freak human Clydesdale. Finding hair from other parts of my body that only grow short -- well that is too creepy to even consider.

What causes this horrible curse? Nobody knows. Some think it is caused by dress socks. Others claim the culprit is the steel-toed boots I wear to kick hippies. Can we blame the hightop Chuck Taylors of my misspent youth? Maybe it was those horrid tube socks from the 1980's. Maybe it is just genetics. With your help, we will create the most modern testing lab. We will have at least two test stands devoted entirely to kicking hippies with steel-toed boots: one for the ass, one for the crotch.

Until BUARAH, this condition, this affliction, this embarrassing situation was kept hidden by socks and long pants. Scientists and doctors are afraid to confront the problem. But with your help we can fight this disease. We can come out from behind our socks and proudly proclaim, I am a man. I have ankle hair.

We will overcome. Thank you in advance for your emotional support and financial contributions.

BUARAH!

Insert Title Here

Insert post here.

update weather
drop a funny/sarcastic line or pun here
talk about politics
linkage to worthy blogger
plead for more hits
promise more later

end on high note

Facing reality

I accepted the fact long ago I am not a great writer. When it comes to poetry I have even less skill. But I do know what I like, and I usually like Jean's poetry. The one she posted here is one of my favorite poems ever.

Is it funny? Is it sad? Is it art? Is it life? It is one of those things you read and then say "I wish I had written that".

Weekend Funny

Rockin' Friday

This is for you supergurl. Check out the bass line about four minutes in. This is some great party music.



Makes me want to crack open a beer. A friend of mine told me a great story. He lived near the high school and they often found trash and empty beer cans etc. near their shed. One morning while they were eating breakfast before school his mom looked out the window. She said there were a bunch of boys out by the shed and that they must be really poor. My friend asked why she thought they were poor. His mom said "because they are all sharing the same cigarette". This song reminds me of that too, for some reason.

I watched the Movie Dazed and Confused last night. I swear they could have filmed my life in high school for that movie.

Friday Five

Is there a theme this week? I don't think so, but maybe you can find the deep hidden relationship in these five songs. Things are not so easy this week. Here are the first five six tunes spit out by my iPod on shuffle:

1. I'm just mad about Fourteen
Fourteen's mad about me
I'm just mad about Fourteen
She's just mad about me Mellow Yellow by Donovan -- supergurl

2.Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun Time by Pink Floyd -- supergurl

3. All the lonely people
Where do they all come from ?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong ? Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles -- Big Dick

4.Well, she wrote me a letter
Said she couldn't live without me no mo'.
Listen mister can't you see I got to get back
To my baby once a-mo'--anyway... The Letter by the Boxtops -- Jerry

5. Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed Kashmir by Led Zeppelin --ReyB

bonus: Did you see any action? Did you make any friends?
Would you like some affection? Before I leave again.

I've been walking behind you, since you've been able to see.
There's never been any reason, for you to think about me.

Did you have any bad dreams, did you break any glass?
Would you be my companion, is there even a chance?

You've been talking in circles, since I've been able to cry.

There's never been any reason, for ever telling me why, yea, yea. Never been any reason by Head East -- Big Dick
I have seen this band a few times, most of you who live in the midwest probably caught their act in the '70's.

October 1993

The day my youngest came home from the hospital

How about a little bread and cheese...

I am looking for the Zapruder film of the company outing two weeks ago. There just had to be another person involved. Did another driver hit me from the grassy knoll area of the track? Two weeks of pain. Two weeks of wincing with every sneeze and twist of my torso.

Actually, the pulled muscle in my back felt much better over the weekend. I think I overdid things a bit and I am paying for it now. I also believe the soft pillow top mattress on my bed is a contributing factor. Until Sunday I was sleeping on the couch. The worsening of my injury coincides with moving to the bed. Of course I am a slow learner and stubborn mule, so I have tried the bed every night since. I moved to the couch in the middle of the night and we will see how things are later in the day.

That is my boo f-ing hoo poor me post for today. As if any of you really care...

More reasons to vote for Obama

So, if a Conservative or Republican (let us say Dan Quayle or GW for instance)had claimed his Uncle fought in WWII and helped liberate Auschwitz do you think the press would laugh it off as a 'mistake'? FYI, Auschwitz is in Poland and was liberated by the Soviets. Obama has made this claim twice (once it was an Uncle, once his Grandfather). We all know if a Repub made this claim he would be portrayed in the media as either an outright liar, or an ignorant fuck. This is no different than Hillery's claim of landing under sniper fire in the Balkans. These worthless pieces of shit will say anything, make up any lie, pander to the ignorant just to get elected. What makes a person that power-hungry? Why would you vote for him?

Seriously, someone please list five reasons I should vote for Obama. What do you people see in him?

Why you should vote for Obama

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Things are not going so well in our nation. We need change. By the most objective standards the politicians have micro-managed the war in Iraq. The situation is quickly becoming lose/lose. Iran is growing in power and influence every day. The price of energy is careening out of control. If it continues, our economy will be left in shambles. The falling dollar is causing upturn in inflation, and the price of basic food is rising sharply. In the most prosperous nation on Earth we have too many hungry, too many with no hope, no future. It is time for a change.

Do you think we should talk more to those who hate us, to try and understand their point of view? Do you believe, like Jimmy Carter, that Iran is reasonable, and we should try diplomacy not threats? Is the real answer to world peace found in narrowing the gap between the rich and poor, the haves and have nots?

Are the banks and real estate speculators to blame for the high foreclosure rate and uneven money supply? Should the Government bail out those 'swindled' into bad mortgages and high interest?

Obama and the Socialist left of the Democratic Party believe the answer is more. More money, more taxes, more Government. A Congresswoman from California believes the answer to high gas prices is to "socialize" (and by that she means nationalize) the oil industry. Obama believes we should not be "allowed" to drive certain types of vehicles and the Government should determine the temperature we keep our house. Some faceless bureaucrat will determine what is comfortable. Mr. Obama thinks profit is bad and the companies that make too much should be punished. Both Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama think the Government should determine how and where private companies should do research and reinvest profits. I bet they believe the economy would run better if the Government determined what industry should produce and when it should do it. They could direct what crops should be planted and how many acres of corn or wheat would be grown to ensure no shortages. Is there not enough rice? Force the farmers to grow more next year. This will keep the prices low and supply at adequate levels.

Too many children are not learning. The government should demand accountability from the schools. Schools that do not make the grade should lose funding. Students should be allowed to go to better, more successful public schools (of course addressing the mind-boggling arcane custom of tenure would do more to get rid of bad teachers and improve education than any number of standardized tests and billions of dollars). We need to get children educated. Add preschool. Make Kindergarten full day. Some parents are not teaching their kids numbers and colors and preparing them for school and life, we will do it.

Are sick of rich SOBs like Bill Gates, Paris Hilton, and those CEOs making hundreds of millions of dollars? Do you believe athletes should not be allowed to make so much money?

Here are some suggestions that will fix the problems outlined above:

A heavy progressive or graduated income tax.

Abolition of all right of inheritance.

Centralization of credit in the hands of the State, by means of a national bank with State capital and an exclusive monopoly.

Centralization of the means of communication and transport in the hands of the State.

Extension of factories and instruments of production owned by the State; the bringing into cultivation of waste-lands, and the improvement of the soil generally in accordance with a common plan.

Combination of agriculture with manufacturing industries; gradual abolition of the distinction between town and country, by a more equable distribution of the population over the country.

Free education for all children in public schools. Abolition of children's factory labour in its present form. Combination of education with industrial production.

Does this sound reasonable to you? Do you believe these actions will restore America to prosperity, improve our image in the world, end hunger and poverty? If you think so, then you are not alone. In fact, a book was written in Germany some 160 years ago called Manifest der Kommunistischen Partei. it was written by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels and detailed and promted these very ideas.

Those statements are seven of the ten planks of the Communist Manifesto. Take a look at Cuba, Zimbabwe, Russia, and Venezuala. Do you like the way the Government handled the floods in Miramar (Burma)? Think the economy in South Africa is booming? Do you believe the Government of Angola or Mongolia or North Korea set good examples of efficiency? These are all Socialist/Communist nations. Do you see a track record of success anywhere communism is found? Has it ever worked? Do you notice that with Socialism comes a loss of freedom in every case? China has found economic success only by opening their markets to Capitalism.

Go ahead, vote for the Democrats. Put Obama in office, elect Hillary. Let them take over the oil companies, prices may come down, but nary a drop of oil will be found. Farms may produce, but we will have rationing and lines for basic necessities. Put the Feds in charge of health care, and you will wait years for elective surgery. Let some bureaucrat determine if you need that new knee, or that tonsillectomy. What incentive would drug companies have to spend years finding cures and relief for common ailments when the profits are confiscated by the government.

Go down to your local licence branch, if you think it is a model of efficiency, vote for Obama. Pray for the rest of us.

Lest We Forget

weekend funny

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" Peggy Sue's
mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yes," says Peggy Sues mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Weekend Funny

Friday Five

Here we are, the Friday before Memorial Day. Can we all say long weekend -- Hooray. For those of you who have to work, well, it sucks to be you. The rest of us will be cooking out, drinking beer and hopefully enjoying some warm weather.

Baseball season finally started last night. For once maybe my team will not suck. The boy did not play real well. He has been great in practice. He walked and struck out (Opening day -- one hour scrimmage games that do not count). He fielded a ground ball at second for an easy out at first -- only he threw it to the dugout. Arrgghh.

Time for the Friday Five lyric contest. Are you in the right state of mind? Remember we need the title and artist for credit. No cheating by using search engines.

1. In Birmingham they love the governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth Sweet Home Alabama by Lynrd Skynrd -- Rey B

2.Gotta get down to it
Soldiers are cutting us down
Should have been done long ago.
What if you knew her
And found her dead on the ground
How can you run when you know? Ohio by Neil Young (CSNY) -- Dick

3.I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps
To find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap
These little town blues
Are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it New York New York as sung by Frank Sinatra and others --Freddie

4.all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day California Dreamin' by the Mommas and the Pappas -- Rey B

5.And the devil jumped upon a hickory stump and said: "Boy let me tell you what:
"I bet you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too.
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.
"Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy, but give the devil his due:
"I bet a fiddle of gold against your soul, 'cos I think I'm better than you." The Devil went down to Georgia by CDB -- Freddie

bonus:

I saw her stangin' on her front lawn
Just twirlin' her baton
Me and her went for a ride sir
And ten innocent people died

From the town of Lincoln Nebraska
Aith a sawed-off .410 on my lap
Through to the badlands of Wyoming
I killed everything in my path Nebraska by the Boss -- Tom

double bonus -- what is the theme of this week's lyric contest?

nothing

I am as empty as the gas tank on a sports car that cries for premium. Maybe tomorrow.

Its my job

I am off to see a customer I do not like, to talk about his unending bitches and complaints. This guy will always have an issue. Even worse, I do not get sales credit for dealing with this putz. Some days I love my job. Oh, and it is a two hour drive each way.

Viewmaster slides of life

High gray clouds crabwalk across the sky. Drops of rain from last night's showers make an uneven backbeat in the downspout. The coffeemaker growls in accompaniment as I hunt and peck at the keyboard. A cardinal calls his mate from the fence as a shaft of sunlight stabs through the May morning. It remains unseasonably cold and wet. We have had rain 16 of the last 20 days. As I type I am composing two emails in my mind. One for a customer explaining why I have still not submitted the quote due last Friday. Another is for the powers that be demanding the cost information I need. I am a master at multi-tasking. Always the middleman, it is my lot in life to please no one.

Shock Jocks laugh away on the radio, barely heard. As I pour the coffee into my stoneware mug I pop a little chocolate donut in my mouth. They always remind me of John Belushi and his SNL skit. In spite of my efforts, I worry about the details of life. Bills, work, to-do lists, and how I am going to manage baseball practice tonight. I can neither throw nor hit the baseball. A rabbit sits beside my African grasses. The yard needs mowed and I want to plant tomatoes. The lights on the modem flash uncaring orange and green signals confirming I am communicating with the outside world. The letters on the monitor shout their need for attention. Are you listening?

Bad things

Here is a list of bad things that can happen to a marginally good person with a torn muscle in his lower back:

Springtime allergies (sneezes) This is the #1 bad thing -- ever
Burritos (draw your own conclusions)
coughing
hiccups
alarm clocks going off after the first good night of sleep in four days
slamming doors
funny movies and TV shows

Here are some I have not experienced but would be also very painful:

snakes in the living room
roller coaster rides
scary movies
getting goosed
getting snuck up on (is that even proper English?)and hearing Boo!
riding a tilt-a-whirl
eating sweet potatoes. They will not hurt my back, I just hate them.
surfing
entering a sack race
bobbing for apples
going to the batting cage
acrobatics class
riding a four wheeler in rough terrain
water skiing
alligators in the tub
jumping rope
practicing as a lineman with the Indianapolis Colts
running a marathon
trying to see if I can duplicate the positions from the Kama Sutra
pulling weeds
throwing ice cubes at the fucking doves sitting on my roof (not that I would do that)
picking cotton
bowling
toe touches
flamenco dancing
fire walking
waxing the car
playing Jai Alai

A sore back is a pain in the ass

I broke down and went to the hospital this afternoon. After four days of pain, four days of walking in a slow shuffle listing to the right, four days of sleeping upright in a chair, four days of ice and heating pads in a failed effort of self healing, I finally sought professional help for my back pain. I am not a big fan of doctors, but things were not getting better -- in fact they were getting worse. You have no idea what it took to get me to get medical help.

So I got a shot in my right ass cheek for the pain. I got a shot in my left ass cheek to relax the muscles. I also got a prescription for pills to do the same. My back is still sore, but at least now it is a minor irritant instead of all consuming. The doctor said I was to lay down and forbid anyone but me to have the remote for the next few days. A damn fine plan, I think. The nurse said my ass was gonna hurt from the shots. She looked at my wife and said I might need the shots rubbed. The wife denies this comment was directed to her and said I could rub my own ass. See how I am babied around here? Any volunteers to massage my shots?