August 20, 2019

I cannot wait

I lost my job on July 9. I filed for unemployment and for Medicaid that same day. It is now August 20. I am still waiting on the health insurance coverage the Government insists by law I must have. I paid the $10 to "fast track" my application. 

I called the State today to check on the status. I was told FSSA was waiting on documents from me.

Me: "I sent them in July"

Her: "We received them August 7th".

Me: "I guess you are not waiting on documents after all"

Her: [snippy] "We process everything in the order it comes in"

Me: " I know yOu only work there and do not process the paperwork, but don't you think that is ridiculous to take that long?"

Her: [really snippy] "We process thousands of applications, it can take 45 days".

Me: "I'm diabetic I'm out of medicine Monday, what am I supposed to do?"

Her: "We have other programs that might be able to help you"

Me:"Won't that require an application too that goes through the processing center?"

Her: [tired of me] "You will just have to go to the hospital or pay out of pocket. Thanks for calling FSSA".

Me: [unsaid] I can't go to the hospital I don't have insurance because I'm waiting on you to process an application from July 9th. And if I had the money, you dolt, I wouldn't be applying for the crappy Healthy Indiana Plan.

I can't wait until the Democrats consign us all to Government-run health plans. [sarcasm].

August 19, 2019

Casino winnings

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn’t want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house. He screamed at the professor:
“You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my money I’ll kill him!”
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”

August 18, 2019

I need more coffee

Thunder boomers rolled through in the night. Power was knocked out for a bit. One bolt of lightning snapped close by and I think a transformer was hit. An electric one on a telephone pole, not from the movies.

Some friends came over last evening. Cards and too many sugary snacks were the entertainment for the evening.

Yes, my life really is as boring as this blog makes it sound.

August 16, 2019

Road Rage on Memory Lane

Another wasted week is inching closer to the dustbin of history. The Cubs choked like a fat guy at a taco eating contest.* Preseason football moves forward, boring everyone with bad product and soporific play.

The weather is typical late summer fare.

Politics. I ain't going there on this Friday.

I made a coffee cake for breakfast. That was good.

The Grandgirl has her first soccer game tomorrow. I'll go out this afternoon and practice with her. She cannot stop bending and grabbing the ball to keep it from me. It cracks me up every time. See, even four year olds understand Eurosport is dumb. You have hands, use them.

As far as I know we have no plans for the weekend. At some point I need to trim the weeds that make up the yard.

The wife found a coupon from the cruise line for a free photo book. I started putting together a spread of pictures from our cruise earlier this year last night. Come on over and I'll show the pictures when the book goes printed and shipped. There is nothing more entertaining than looking at someone else's vacation photos. **

That experience is worse than preseason football and almost as bad as watching soccer.

Have a great Friday.

*Too soon?
**Sarcasm

August 15, 2019

Toxic masculinity and all of that

Apparently I resorted to jokes when I had no other content in the early days of this time waster. Here is one from August of '05:

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much to bite them..............."

August 14, 2019

Dear Democrats

Keep it up.

Continue telling half the country they are racist hate-filled white Supremicists just because they disagree with you politically and or economically.

Keep on that path

You will get even more Trump.

When you tell us there is no middle ground, we must toe the line or else, there is just enough perversion in the American, especially Southern and Midwestern culture, to say "we will take 'what else' for $1,000, Alex".

Keep it up.

August 13, 2019

My new favorite

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

Ripped from the headlines

I think it smells a bit fishy

https://www.foxnews.com/health/vaginal-steaming-second-degree-burn-woman

August 12, 2019

By the time I got to Woodstock

I watched a PBS documentary yesterday about tne legendary Woodstock concert. I was seven when tne concert took place, so I have no memory of it. I have seen the movie several times ( I own a DVD copy). I dig the music.

It might have been three days of peace love and music, but the old man in me views it differently than I did at 17. Typical Lefties, the hippies showed up expecting free stuff. They crashed the gates and trampled the fences. Most did not bother with tickets. Finally, no other alternative available the promoters gave up trying to collect tickets. The promoters lost everything financially.

The kids showed up without food or in many cases money to purchase food. They came without shelter.

Worse, the attendees left behind tons of garbage and refuse.

Over the years, estimated attendance has ballooned from 300,000 to pushing 500,00 by some estimates. Like a Trump Inaugaration, people's memory seems to inflate the crowd size.

By the time Hendrix was butchering the National Anthem Monday morning, the crowd had shrunk to tens of thousands instead of hundreds of thousands.

Some of the hippie stuff cracks me up. Shouting "no more rain" was pointless. Did anyone really believe Mother Nature cared she was inconveniencing a bunch of stinky hippies?  Please don't eat the brown acid, indeed.

August 11, 2019

Mystery solved

Remember that scene in the movie Shane where the gunfighter grabs an axe and helps Joe tear out an old stump? My Saturday was just like that, except Alan Ladd didn't help me. I cleared out an old stump single-handed. I did it the old fashioned way, with maul and axe and wedge. Sure, I know there are stump grinders out there but they take money. My back and sweat are free. The stump from the ash in my side yard that was destroyed by bugs is gone. The spot is filled, leveled, and grass seed is planted. 

Before I went into the one -time only stump removal business I washed the wife's SUV. I watered the flowers. I picked weeds from the garden. 

Later in the afternoon I moved some furniture for the wife, including a dresser and big computer armoir. 

I can't figure out why my back and shoulders are sore this morning. 

August 9, 2019

Friday Fish Fry

It is Friday. Too bad it isn't payday. One of those isn't coming soon. I do have some good prospects in the works. I have a tentative offer, but at more than 30% below the wages I have earned in recent years. In fact, the rate is akin to what I was making back in the 1990s. It beats unemployment, but I cannot live long-term on it. After my bills there will be nothing left for stuff like...food. Since the job will require travel, a second job is hard to find to supplement my income. Boo hoo for me, I know. The other positions are not at quite the offer stage, but the salary is higher. Too bad I am most qualified for the low-paying job. I am sure they are low-balling me because they know I need a job.

Here is a post that explains the whole gun control debate clearly and succinctly. You should read it. Really. Go read it. Especially you anonymous commenters of the liberal bent.

As far as I know we have no weekend plans. Beginning next week the granddaughter starts soccer. There is nothing funnier than watching four-year-olds trying to do sports. It is like watching clowns herd cats. I have been out practicing with her in the backyard. I am not sure if she likes kicking the ball, but I know she digs her black and pink cleats.

Since I have some time on my hands, I have been looking for entertainment. Nothing on my Kindle has grabbed my attention for the past week or so, but one series on TV has. Yellowstone has become my new favorite show. I spent last weekend catching up on Season 1 and am now caught up on Season 2. The show is set on a modern cattle ranch and can best be described as Dynasty and Dallas meet the Godfather -- with horses. The whole cast is filled with characters you love to hate, starting with Kevin Costner who is great as the patriarch.

I see you have developed that glazed eye look I have come to recognize from my wife when I am telling her a particularly interesting historical fact or sports trivia. She looks at me until I'm done talking. She refrains, from love and politeness, from telling me she does not care. But I know that to her I sound just like a Charlie Brown teacher when I go to the interesting tidbit spiel:

"Did you know, Napolean....whaaa, whaaaaa, whaa, wha, whaaaa...100 days."

You can relate, am I right?

Have a great Friday.

August 8, 2019

And You Were There

It was hot in the Mess Hall on August 9, 1974 at Ransburg Boy Scout Reservation. The wooden screen door slammed as teens and adults filed in, mostly somber.

I was not completely sure of what was going on, but my budding love of history alerted me to the significance. The President of the United States was about to resign. The little TV (16 inch?) sat on a cart near the serving line. The volume was turned high. The black and white picture was snowy. The Camp Director messed with the rabbit ears.

In the Watergate scandal real crimes took place. There was a cover up. Politicians and journalists learned a lesson. Those in the press imagined they had the power to dictate political leadership. Politicians found a way to undo elections.

 I cannot say America is better for it.

Do something, part 19

I sit here impatiently this morning. I'm tapping my foot. I am fidgeting in anticipation. Where are you Anonymous? I am waiting on your screeching comment on the actions of the mass murderer in SoCal last night.

It must be Trumps fault. It must be my fault. We should blame the white guy culture. Mysogonic thought is likely involved. If only we had "common sense" gun laws and background checks, none of this would happen. Five innocents would be alive.

Oh wait, it was an angry Hispanic wielding a knife.

Oh my, what if it had a black plastic handle?

Did you know anyone can buy a knife at WalMart? Did you know you can get them at gun shows? There is no required psychology test before you are licensed to own a knife? You are not even required to have permission from the Government to carry a knife. Children have access to knives. Why do people need more than one knife? I have at least 10, the police should keep a list and watch me closely, I guess.

Or, perhaps humans are just evil. Some are crazy. When those traits combine terrible things happen.

August 7, 2019

Apartment for Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
“Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 – it had never been occupied;
#2 – there was plenty of heat; and
#3 – it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 – it had been previously occupied,
#2 – there wasn’t any heat, and #3 – it was entirely too large.”
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

“Dear Sir,
#1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

August 6, 2019

Do something

The horrific mass shootings of recent weeks sickens me. I pray for the families of the victims.

It is the perverted response from the politicians that nauseates me the most. Does every event have to be used to score political points? No matter how you feel about the President, he is no more to blame for the actions of the shooters than Obama was for the baseball field shootings of Republican Congressmen.

In the era of everyone gets a trophy self-esteem boosting, we have lost sight that we are all responsible for our own actions.

In the wake of the shootings people are crying "do something". Just what "something" would have prevented these tragedies? If you ban plastic rifles, those intent on murder will use wood-stocked guns that work the very same way. Which of these guys, none whom had a record, would have failed any background check?

One of the shootings took place in California, home of tough gun laws. Fifty-two were shot in Chicago last weekend. Chicago has tough gun laws. Which law would have prevent this?

If the answer is to punish the innocent for the crimes of others, you need a different starting point.

I have no answers. I have no solutions. It is a culture thing. Today, everybody wants to be famous. They want to be YouTube and Facebook stars. They want everyone to read their blog. The truth is no further away than the mirror.

Quit publicizing the killers.

Stop using human tragedy as a political platform.

August 5, 2019

Superstition

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. “9:30 okay?”

George said, “Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, but he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30. George again said, “Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.
“Okay, for 9:30 next Sunday?” one of the foursome asked. George said, “Sure if I’m ten minutes late…”

Another golfer jumped in. “Wait a minute, you always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.”
George said, “Well, that’s true, I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.”
“What if she’s lying on her back?”

George said, “That’s when I’m ten minutes late!”

August 4, 2019

You know that day destroys the night

The Hitler Youth that run the Homeowners Association here in the neighborhood have been on letter writing campaign ever since they were hired a year or so ago.  I have received threatening missives regarding my mailbox post color, my trash can placement, and algae growing on the side of the house. I should admit it is really multiple letters. I painted my mailbox post to the appropriate color last summer. 

Seig Heil mofos.

I finally moved my trash cans so they can no longer be seen, even though they could only be seen from exactly one part of the street if you looked for them from the neighbor's driveway. 

Seig Heil mofos.

I first got the algae letter last November. They were not happy, nor too cooperative, when I told them there was no way I was going to have high pressure water sprayed on (and thus under) my siding in the dang winter. I got another couple of written admonitions this spring. You may recall we about 18 straight weekends of rain. Then the weather turned nice and I forgot about it except when I mowed.

Then I lost my job. 

I got the "clean it by Friday or we're gonna sue" letter early last week. I called the nice firm that runs things to explain I am out of work and got a real sympathetic "too bad have it done by Friday" in response. 

I had tried the spray on chemicals before without success. I power washed it myself only to see the green return in a month or so previously. So I called professionals and paid to get it done right. I even have a guarantee. 

I was told by a neighbor who is on the neighborhood board the company they hired to manage the day to day operations gets paid for every letter they send. They are owned by a lawyer, so he gets costs and legal fees if they get to sue. the previous board signed the management contract so they cannot get out of it for five years. 

Seig Heil mofos.

Yeah, I don't know why the line spacing changed and I don't know how to fix it. 

August 2, 2019

When I am in charge

There is no doubt the world would be a better place if I were given the authority I deserve. When I am Emperor of Terra Firma and King of the Oceans, common sense and moral goodness shall be the order of the day.

Certainly the people who leave their kids to cook inside of hot cars will get their just desserts. Sure it is a tragedy, sure it is an accident, but they killed those children the same as if they shot the kids. I'm not buying into the whole "my brain tricked me into thinking I left the kids at daycare" BS either. Parenting is a full time occupation and you NEVER forget about your kids.

And the dang rabbit that somehow gets through the fence around my little garden to eat my 'maters-- you'll get yours too.

Now I feel a little like Elmer Fudd. Yeah if you are under 30 you have no clue who that is because all good cartoons are offensive to someone. Besides there is a little know codicil to the Faber College Constitution* that not only gives the Dean emergency powers, but demands that every cartoon be about a princess or empowered girl (or person who identifies as a girl).

I seems the near-perfect weather, warm with low humidity, will continue through the weekend. I am good with that.

I'm about done chugging my second cup of java, I better get busy doing nothing. Maybe I'll do everyone a favor and take a shower.


*no one under about 40 gets that reference either.

July 31, 2019

Date Night

We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner & theatre that evening we turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. “He is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me and it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She’d better not crap in the vegetable garden again!”

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

July 30, 2019

Money for Nothing

Monday, Monday, Monday!  Oh. Tuesday. Never mind. Here I was all set to offer up some enthusiasm for a new week, but it just rings hollow when it is a Tuesday.

Where the heck did Monday get to anyway?

The herd o' Commies know as Democrat Presidential Candidates will be debating tonight and tomorrow. Each will vie to see who can take the most money from you and I and our grandkids to give to other people. Some of the top Dems think it is a just fantastic idea to punish people with one skin color by taking heir money and giving it to people with a different skin color.

I know how that sounds, but I am assured by the people who constantly tell me they are way smart that that is not racist at all. In fact it is racist of me to hate the idea of reparations.

Yes, people who never owned slaves are expected to pay people who never were slaves. Good news, other people of color like Hispanics, Asians, or Native Americans get to pay one select group too!

Don't fret, since we will no longer have borders everybody is gonna get somethin'.  Don't pay any attention to the guy pulling levers behind that curtain labeled "Venezuela".  All of those other countries who tried the whole Jacobin thing just didn't do it right. Today's crop of geniuses like AOC won't screw it up. Besides, there will likely be special summer camps where the recalcitrant Adam Smithers like me can get re-educated, get our minds right.

I'm gonna hate it when the leftists take over. I like good toilet paper and the levellers seem to always have a shortage of toilet paper. Oh, and luxuries like bread. And meat.

Gee, it is gonna be great.

July 29, 2019

Blanket Party

A wife comes home late one night, arriving early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi, Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.”

July 28, 2019

Not feeling it today.

It looks to be a great day here in God's country. Temperatures are in the low 70s as I type and humidity levels remain low for July.

I mowed he lawn yesterday. If the weed killer I sprayed earlier in the week would kick in the yard wouldn't look too bad. Well the front yard anyway. The back is a mess. To get it looking great is going to take money; starting with a dump truck load of mulch.

In other news, I don't have any. The Cubs choked yet another game. Football is stretching out and training camps are up and running.

Fall will be here soon and these warm summer days will be but a memory. This post will still be forgettable, though.

July 27, 2019

A bubble of my own making

4:17. Aye em. Sigh. I slipped on the khaki shorts and the green  Columbia T-shirt I wore yesterday. I pulled the bedroom door closed softly and bumbled down the stairs. Meds were duly swallowed while the Keurig peed coffee into my favorite cup. Back upstairs I settled into my leather desk chair, leaned back and propped my feet on the right corner of the desk. I told the Echo to play music I like, and she is. I've never tried that command before. I read some news and political blogs and here we are, caught up on my day so far in minute detail. Ho hum, ho hum.

I'm suffering through a bit of he old ennui these days. I am just coasting along in life. I can't get riled up about politics. The other side has taken positions I find so outlandish I think it must be a secret joke I am just not in on. No one can really be so crazy to think getting rid of air travel is reasonable. The snowflake environment where politicians are actually looking to ban speech they don't like is so foreign I cannot fathom it. Didn't their moms tell them all about sticks and stones and words when they were kids? I will not even get into the unworkable economic policies and the concept of erasing borders and national identity. Doesn't anyone care about the national debt? A difference in opinion isn't hate and it sure isn't instant racism.

"Imagine" was just a song for goodness sake.

I went for a long walk yesterday and just listened to music. I usually tune in to history podcasts or sometimes an audiobook. I found it soothing to do something different. I didn't want to think at all. I watched a Christmas RomCom on the Hallmark Channel last night. WTH? I really think I've lost it. I just don't want to do anything. I chalk it up to mild depression, summertime blues, no money flu and the road woes of the damn Cubs.

On the plus side it gives me the ability to write lots of meaningless words of complaint here.

Aren't you glad you stopped by on this fine Saturday?


July 26, 2019

Easy summer pasta salad

I spent a good chunk of yesterday doing yard work. I am a little stiff this morning.

I had a 'mater from my garden for breakfast this morning. The plants are ripening slowly this year. They better hurry up, the way things are going those plants may be supplying our food pretty soon.

I'm getting worried about the job situation. I've had one interview. Nothing else looks promising in the near-term. I've even applied for factory worker jobs. I fear it is like last time, I can't get hired for lower paying jobs because they know I will leave as soon as something better comes along.

That's enough of the poor me stuff.

We continue to have a spate of perfect summer weather. I can't believe some schools start already next week, most the week after. Kids go into early June before break and head back in late July.or the beginning of August. That is not much time off to be a kid.

Some of my fondest memories are from the long summer months on vacation from school.

On the other hand I was just complaining yesterday that kids are getting dumber.

The grandkids are on vacation so the wife is not working. We might head off to watch the Colts practice today. It don't cost nuthin'.

I guess you did not care for my Great Battles Cliff Notes post. I was thought I might make that a regular feature. I may have to reconsider my plans.

July 25, 2019

Get off my lawn

The digital clock ticked to 4:38 and I rolled out of bed. Sigh. It is OK, I'll nap this afternoon.

Speaking off clocks, a friend of ours who works in a middle school was telling us the school system was removing all of the analog clocks from the school buildings. You know what I mean, the standard 12-1-2-3-4 configuration on a round face. The reason is none of the kids can tell time on a clock.

I wish this was the set up for a joke. Sadly, it is just true.

Today's fast food generation cannot count change either. On the other hand, I'm  sure that struggling high schooler who just took my order at Arby's is wondering why that old geezer refuses to use a debit card like a normal person.

Still, I cannot help but think we are getting dumber. More information is available than ever before, and we are raising a generation that only consumes in Twtter-sized bites.

July 24, 2019

Now back to what you really like

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. “Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.” “Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you got an F in sex!”

July 23, 2019

Soldats! Je suis content de vous

The French were outnumbered on the day of the battle.

Napoleon used that to his advantage. He occupied the heights of Pratzen and his right flank was anchored on the road to Vienna.

Tsar Alexander I of Russia and Emperor Francis of Austria wanted to attack immediately. The Austrians had been humiliated for almost a decade by Bonaparte, dating to his victories in Italy. He had just forced them into a humiliating defeat at Ulm and captured Vienna a few months previous.

Napoleon had 72,000 men and 157 canon, the Allies about `85,000 men and nearly twice the artillery -- 318 guns.

The French weakened their right flank opening the road south toward Vienna and fell back from the top of the ridge in apparent retreat in the face of the Allies' strength. At the insistence of the Russian and Austrian nobles, the Allies attacked toward the clear weak spot on the right of the French line.

It was December 1, 1805. Bonaparte had baited the trap. He told his Generals that "if the Russians leave the Pratzen Heights to attack the right flank, they are defeated".

The Russians and Austrians launched a massive attack on the weakened French Right. Napoleon had ordered Davout's III Corp to force march from Vienna to shore up the right flank in anticipation of the battle. Arriving just in time after a forced march of 68 miles in 48 hours,

As the battle raged on the southern end of the battlefield, the Tsar believed one last thrust would settle the matter. He called the Russian IV Corp from the Pratzen Heights to help crush the French resistance. This is the rash act Napoleon had waited for.  Marshall Soult with 16,000 hardened veterans struck hard at the unsuspecting Allied Center. Bonaparte told Soult "One sharp blow and the war is over". The French also launched into the Austrian and Russian left flank.

Fighting raged from about 7:30 AM through 4:00 PM. Combined French infantry and cavalry finally rolled up the Russian right and center. Napoleon then sent these forces on a two pronged attack to support his beleaguered right flank.

General panic struck the Allied army and it abandoned the field in a full rout.

Casualties were enormous. The Allies lost about 36,000 from an army of 82,000 (killed, wounded, missing, and captured). The French lost about 9,000. The French captured 180 guns.

Tsar Alexander was quoted saying "We are babes in the hands of a giant".

The Austrians and Russians signed the treaty of Pressburg on December 27. The French controlled nearly the entire mainland European Continent. The Holy Roman Empire was ended after nearly 1,000 years.

Austerlitz is arguably Napoleon's greatest victory.

July 22, 2019

A matter of priorities

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $2,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”

July 21, 2019

Mystery Sunday

In the background Otis is on the dock wasting time. I'm leaning back in my desk chair, feet propped on the corner of the desk. My ancient iPad is propped on my belly. A mug of hot coffee is just in reach of left hand. I pause and wonder "just what the heck is a real estate novelist anyway"?

July 20, 2019

Hitchhiking on Memory Lane

I moseyed out to the little garden to give the plants a big drink before the heat really cranks up this morning. I brought in one little tomato. I planted late so I should not be surprised the fruit is slow to ripen.

I got along pretty well baby sitting yesterday. There was a bout forty minutes of crying, but the baby was asleep.

Nope, I'm not above a cheap joke.

I was reading old stuff from my archives the other day. I was hunting something, OK? Anyway, guess what? It was hot in past Julys too!

Think on this, in February the wind chill was -25F. Yesterday, the heat index was 105F. If my history major math is correct...carry the one...that is a 130 swing in temperature in just a few months. I've said it before, Man's adaptability is amazing. That is just one reason why we are the top predator. We can hunt our food , grow our food, eat nearly anything, survive extreme heat and cold, live in environments as diverse as swamps and tundra. And we are smart enough to invent furnaces and air conditioners.

Sorry, animals will have equal rights when they invent agriculture.

I digress. From what, I am not sure.

We are off to our friends' to sit in the pool sipping beer and smoking fine hand-rolled stogies this afternoon. Well that is what I will be doing. The wife will gossip. Everyone will relax and have some great laughs.

Ain't that what life is about?

I may have some short term problems, but the Good Lord has blessed me in so many ways.

I hope you have a great Saturday.

July 19, 2019

Even my jalapeƱo peppers think its too hot

It is hot. I bet it is at your house too.

I'm babysitting later today. As in the grand baby. The wife is taking our granddaughter to the pool to join with a thousand other people looking to cool off. I will take care of the baby. Inside. Where it is air conditioned. It should be fun. The baby doesn't like me much. She starts crying within a couple of minutes when I pick her up.

She must be a liberal. She is around me two minutes and starts whining and crying.

Badda boomp.

Seriously, unless I am feeding her, she cries when I pick her up. Either she will get used to me or it will be a long afternoon for both of us. We will just cry until we fall asleep. I don't know who will take care of the baby after that happens...

I know, you didn't come here for this drivel. You want jokes. You want Friday Music.

Sure you do.

Honest, I know these things


A nice summer tune.

Have a great Friday

July 17, 2019

Posted in the evening ‘cause it might not be safe for work

A manager of a failing branch of one company has to lay off one of his top paid employees to cut cost. As he is analyzing the recent annual reviews, he is realizing that it comes down to his two favorites, Mary and Jack. He spends hours looking back at the last five years these two have worked on his team. Both were hired the same month, have identical education and work experience. They are also both crucial to his team. It’s an incredibly tough decision to make and he decides that, if he can’t make it by the time he goes to bed, he will have to fire the first one he sees at the water cooler the next morning.
He is at the office bright and early, after a sleepless night, when he sees Mary walk into the office with bags under her eyes, hair in disarray and heading straight for the water cooler.
He meets her there and while she is filling her cup with water, he says sadly: “I have really bad news, I have to lay you or Jack off.”

Mary, looking at him through the slits in her eyes, takes a big gulp of water and says: “I am afraid you will have to jack off. I have a terrible hangover.”

July 16, 2019

Last week

From my daughters back porch 

I have enough sunset pics to make it a regular feature.

I dig sunset and sunrise

Maybe Barry can wash the car too

Barry is stopping by for a few days to leave a little wet spot on the streets and rapidly-browning front yards. It is OK, despite the very wet and long-lingering spring, it has been very dry and summer-like of late. Frankly I'm tired of watering the garden and flowers. Barry can do it for a day or three.

The "America is great, let's change everything about it" crowd is still in hysterics about Trump. The thing is, Donald could start parroting their political positions and the leftists would have issues with his stance. They hate him that much. We were supposed to be in a leftward trajectory forever after Obama. A bunch of rednecks went and ruined everything.

What do I know? Perhaps higher taxes, open borders and free stuff for everyone not a racist old white guy is a winning formula. On the other hand the Gracci begat the Empire, so you just never know. Say, how is your 401K doing?

July 15, 2019

We are not even pretending you can keep your plan if you like it

The granddaughter arrived this morning in ao great mood. At her insistence we moseyed out to look at her garden. We picked the second ripe tomato of the season. Like the first, it is a bit puny. Somewhere between a golf ball anda handball, it will get us about enough for a small sandwhich. I don't care. I love fresh garden 'maters. I have already harvested a half dozen jalapeƱos.  A couple of green peppers are growing and we will have dozens of cucumbers.

When oh when will the mythical "they" take away Trump's twitter account. Why hadn't he figured out the press will twist anything he writes to make him look bad.

When we were birthing kids, I took every name my wife liked and told her how the kids would abuse it on the playground--Nick the Dick, etc. Someone needs to do that with every tweet the Trumpster spits out. How can these words be used to make the President look bad?  Admittedly, the Orange One does not need much help to make his tweeter feed reflect badly.

I'm still trying to follow the Democrat logic with their absolute hysterics over the weekend ICE raids. The people targeted were illegals who have ACTIVE DEPORTATION ORDERS. This is not Jose here to make his family a better life by working at Subway or stapling shingles on a roof. These are people who had their day in court and were ordered to leave the country by a real judge in a real courtroom with attorneys provided by you and I. "Criminals" I think is the correct technical term.

Is fighting for criminals and open borders a winning issue for 2020?

July 14, 2019

Decisions, decisions

I will have the house to myself today.  The wife is heading off with our daughter and grandkids to have lunch with the female side of the wife's family. I'm not sure what I will do while they are in Purdueville. There is plenty I should do, like yard work, cleaning, or washing the car, for instance. There will also be be a ball game on. That Jack Reacher book needs to be read. Will I regret it if I skip that nap?  If you let those Zs get away you never get them back, it is a known fact. I could even take a walk or enjoy a cigar. Those last activities are better later in the evening as the heat of the day dissipates. I could go to a museum or walk in one of the wooded parks in the area. I could motor down to SoBro and see the boy's new place.  I could go to the store and get something for supper.

Yeah, the Cubs and a nap seem about right. Who knows, without my butt parked on it the couch might float away in a strange anti-gravity phenomenon. We must avoid that at all costs.

July 13, 2019

Words, lots of words.

It looks to be a great summer day here in central Indiana. Hot, not as humid as a few days ago.

I might have mentioned we converted my office into a room for the oldest granddaughter. The spare bedroom in the front of the house now has become a sort of all-purpose room. It has my desk but also a twin bed and a tv. I have never had a tv in my office. In two decades of working alone, I have eschewed the lure of a television. I have a "radio" I sometimes listen to, currently an Echo Dot.  The new den/office/bedroom has plenty of room. It is much larger than any of the other bedrooms outside of the Master Bedroom. Eventually, it is our intention to replace the old twin bed with a small hide-a-bed couch.

The view is different. The big willow is no longer just outside my window. I now overlook the front yard and the cul-de-sac. I can sit leaning back in my padded leather desk char, feet propped on a corner of my desk and watch the robins and cardinals flit among the branches of the maple in the front yard and tne neighbors heading to work. The old recliner moved in the corner.

You don't care a whit about any of this.

As far as I know we have no plans for the weekend. I think I'll go find an old movie to watch and then take a walk.

Have a great Saturday.

July 12, 2019

Long and boring, I will likely delete the damn thing ere the day is out

My internet friend Hey Teacher is in the land of pasta. He must be busy clicking to the old blog a few hundred times a day or somehow convinced his entire to tour to check me out: Italy ranks #2 behind the good old US of A in my visit metrics. How strange is that?

In other news...nothing.

I could discuss the weather. You have your own to contend with.

Politics. Nope. I have my opinion. You have yours. Mine are likely correct. Yours are certainly wrong if you disagree with mine. It really is that simple and there is no need to discuss it further.

----no, trust me, you are wrong.

My little garden is growing. I have picked five jalapenos. I picked a little pickle cucumber this morning that was not there two days ago. I have a green pepper that will be big enough by next weekend. I have one tomato that will  ripen by next week.  Dozens of green 'maters on the vines will not be far behind. By the beginning of August I will have tomatoes every day -- cherry, beefsteak, heirloom, and my favorite -- yellow. The dang cucumber is spreading all over the place and will strangle the bell pepper and jalapeno if I am not careful.

Life sucks. If it were not for my granddaughters I could easily just give up.

Fortunately, I was not wired that way.

The company lost a significant customer that comprised 90% of my territory. I guess after 2 years of negotiations the customer determined we were just too hard to work with (the negotiations predated my hire by more than 16 months) and found another supplier. The company decided there was no need for me if there was no business.  Losing 16 million in sales is never a good thing, even if I take no responsibility. Negotiations were being done well above my pay grade and the company did not heed my advise to compromise.

I am again in the market for a job. The margin for error is low this time.  I need something quick, fast, right now. At my ridiculously high previous salary.

But yeah, I will take anything in the short term.

July 11, 2019

Poor Aunt Mildred

My aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be just below your left breast’.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

July 10, 2019

Stopping on Red

A man was driving down the road when the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming curses in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Choose Life” license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

July 9, 2019

Relationship Advice

A woman asks her friend for advice on how to get her hubby interested again. Friend says, “Tonight meet him as he comes home dressed in saran wrap.” Woman does this and husband says “Damn, leftovers again.”

July 8, 2019

Why not?


In the  pantheon of great bands that comprised the British Invasion, the Kinks do not get their due.

Just the facts, Ma'am

The most recent WSJ poll has The Trumpster's approval rating at 47%. In spite of the constant barrage of negativity from the media. It seems Americans mostly like the Administrations policies.

Say, what was Obama's approval rating at this point in his first term?

In other news, while flipping through tne channels last night I learned there is a professional corn hole league. Stranger yet, the matches are televised.

Sure, I watched for a bit.

I switched a John Wayne movie during a commercial and never went back.

July 7, 2019

A day in the life

What a day yesterday. Hot and humid and busy. I woke early, brewed some coffee and futzed around on the interwebz. I watched a couple of old movies on the TV.

The clogged back gutters have needed cleaning out for months. The only problem is they are 25 or 30 above the ground. I tried to clamber over the roof from the front porch to the garage to the other side, but the roof is just too steep as I discovered while sliding down from the peak. I have a nice skin tear on the palm of my left hand to prove it.

I did what I should have: I borrowed my neighbor's ladder. Nasty muck was about an inch thick lining the entire gutter. By the time I was done I was drained. Temps were in he low 90s. The humidity was at 100% and my jeans and T-shirt were soaked with sweat and gutter gunk. I sprayed off the patio and ladder where the nasty crud dripped.

The evening wrapped with a block party. All of the neighbors pitched in for a dinner and settled in to watch an awesome fireworks display. We are not talking sparklers and fountains here, my neighbor sets off stuff just short of what communities and towns launch.

It was nice hanging out and talking with the neighbors. We met some new people and got to know some folks better. This is the best neighborhood we have ever lived. It harkens me to my youth in the sixties, where you knew everyone on the block.

A hot summer night. Cold beer. Good conversation. Lightening hugs winking as fireworks paint the night sky in exploding colors. Life is good.

The show over, the neighbors grabbed brooms and shovels to clean up the mess in the cul-de-sac. It is what neighbors do.

July 6, 2019

Dear Nike, another viewpoint

Your SJW stance may go over great with the Woke-types out in the greater metro-Portland area and the Left West Coast in general. The problem is I have yet to see an Antifa thug sporting a swoosh across his mask as he's beating reporters and smashing windows.

It is out here in flyover country and the suburbs your anti-American stance is not so well received. When you have lost my wife, one of the most apolitical people ever, you have a problem.

But then maybe I get it after all. Your America sucks message will certainly resonate with your Chinese suppliers and help you gain market share against rivals Adidas and Reebok with the Euro-weenies who have long held a Marsha, Marsha, Marsha complex against the upstart and rude Americans.

I'm not a big boycott guy. Nor do I march and protest. It is not my thing. I won't burn any perfectly good shirts. Nor will I throw shoes in the garbage. I already spent that money, getting rid of my stuff hurts you a nonce. I did return that pair of running walking shoes I grabbed on sale at Nordstrom Rack. Rest assured you will get no more of my hard-earned cash. That hurt Nordstrom, not you. But so it goes.

I'm just one old white guy in a little state in the middle of he country. Trust me, I am not alone in my disappointment.  A smart run company would remember that money sees no color, takes no political stance, accepts the cash of any willing consumer. But good for you, Nike, you proved you are Woke. I hope your share holders wake up and dump your stock.

July 5, 2019

Kaboom

Happy Friday.

I hope you had a great 4th Holiday and enjoyed the crash boom bang of some good fireworks.  We spent tn day at a pool party / cookout. The predicted rainy afternoon failed to materialize. It was a good day to be an American.

There was a seismic shift and resulting earthquake on the west coast.


Too soon?

Enjoy your day.

July 3, 2019

Beef Cadet

The frequent rains and long, long spring have kept us from doing a bunch of the normal yard work. In short, the house looks bad. Since most of my customers are on summer shutdown, I decided to take some time from work this week. Yesterday I hacked up the out of control lilac bushes. They are trimmed and look fairly even, but no one will mistake me for Edward Scissorhands. I set up my little fountain. I weeded a couple of the flower beds.

Lowes has bags of mulch on sale this week, so I will spread some mulch this morning before it starts raining again. Sigh. I am not sighing at the work, but rather the threat of rain every day for the next week. The Glorious Fourth looks increasingly wet, as does the block party scheduled for the cul-de-sac on Saturday. 

Now that my rage has settled, I guess we can admit Kaepernick's kneeling really was not about police brutality or starting a"conversation about race". He really was protesting America and the flag itself. The Castro shirt wasn't an accident nor ignorance. Those of you who supported his actions can kiss my rear too. BTW, those new Nikes I bought last week are heading back to tne store, no matter how comfortable they might be. I have not worn them yet and I'm not going to.

My coffee mug is down to the dregs. Have a great day.

July 2, 2019

Dear Nike

I have tried really hard not to swear these days. Nike pulling the Bestsy Ross Flag-themed shoes inspires this reaction from me:

Fuck Nike

Fuck Colin Kaepernick

If you disagree, well fuck you too.

If I had a hammer

The defendant was before the judge in court. The judge says “You have been charged with the murder of your wife by smashing her skull with a hammer until she was dead.”
A voice from the back of the court yells “You bastard!!!”
Next the judge says “You have also been charged with the death of your mother-in-law by smashing her skull with a hammer until she was dead.”
Again the voice from the back of the court yells “You’re a bastard!”
The judge looks towards the back of the court and says “If the man in the back can’t control himself I will have to ask him to leave.”

The man replies “I’m sorry judge, but I lived next to that bastard for 20 years and every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer he’d tell me he didn’t have one”

July 1, 2019

No Pressure

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?” asked the son.

“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best. Just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

June 30, 2019

Duck quacks don't echo



Hey! It is summer. That means reruns.

June 30, 2011

It would be cool if some bright young genius would find a way to insert a little code into Blogger that would allow me to type with an echo. You know, like the recording of Lou Gehrig when he says "Today...ay...ay...I consider myself..elf..elf..The luckiest man...an..an... alive...

Because today's post would be rife with that cool echo thingy. When I write "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on Earth" I too, like the Iron Man Gehrig, could have that awesome echo.

You see, today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth (OK, just pretend there is the echo thingy). Today is my 27th anniversary. Yep, 27 years. I verified the math on my calculator. The wife and I stood in the Methodist Church back on June 30, 1984 and we mutually pledged to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

Hold on, the Founding Fathers made that pledge. The wife and I pledged our love and marriage.

So far there has been a lot more health than sickness, and the poorer has far outweighed the richer. I will say this, the next time I get married there is going to be some kind of codicil in the vows about nookie. I'm just sayin'.

Seriously, my wife is a saint.  If you think I am irritating and obnoxious around here, you ought to try living with me. I am hard-headed, opinionated and find myself really amusing. There must be some redeeming qualities I fail to recognize when I look in the mirror, because the wife has stuck with me through a lot of thin and a little thick.

Woops, sorry about that. I just realized I forgot to turn off the imaginary echo thingy feature. Anyway, the whole point of this post is to tell you I am a lucky man.

Thinking back on the events of that warm June day in 1984, I have to question my wife's judgment. Not only did she agree to marry me, but she made the groomsmen wear light blue tuxedos. Clearly the woman has some flaws. But in all, I made a much better deal than she did.

I am a lucky man, indeed. But you have to admit I would be bordering on true greatness if I had an echo thingy for my blog. 


Oh, and duck soounds do produce an echo. 


Edit: it is now...ow...ow been 35 years...ears...ears...today

June 29, 2019

Cruel Summer

Oh, I could have gone with “Hot town summer in the city” as the title instead, but whatever. In any case it seems we will finally have a warm and sunny weekend. I say Woot and Huzzah. Some friends invited us to hang at their pool. It is supposed to be 90+ today so that will be great. It is good to have friends with nice stuff.

In other news, based on the debates, the Dems have gone full commie. If you like your insurance you can’t keep it. Open borders for all and let’s take money from you and me to give the immigrants benefits. Free stuff for everyone. Let’s out Venezuela Venezuela.  Does the Democratic Party realize “Imagine “ is a song, not a political platform? Have they studied history or economics? Have they even read the Constitution they each swore to uphold? I told you they were the modern Jacobins, complete with all the anger.

My Saturday coffee has finished percolating. Yes I’m going old school today. Perhaps a bit of java will mellow me out.

The sun is just creeping to the horizon and the view out the window is that subdued blue gray you see just before sunrise. The birds are already singing in the new day. Yes, I’m up early.

I hope you have a great Saturday. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, I have a special post already canned.

Edit:  I lost my charger for my decrepit iPad I, so I’m blogging from my phone for the past week. For some reason I am unable to comment on this or any other blog (hello Jean!). I’m sure it is 100% user error.

June 27, 2019

Did I post this before? I can’t remember

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”. She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She said: “No.”
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”
Consider everything here that is of original content copyrighted as of March 2005